*eacerna*

redshoegirl

Thought I'd put this in a new post since it's not really on topic for the other one.

eacerna:

As much as I love my daughter, I don't think I can be a SAHM :-(.

I can understand this.

For a while, when I was really dreading returning to work, I thought I might want to SAH. But now that I've been back for a while...it's for the best. It's not that working is better than SAH in general or anything like that, but for me it's the right thing.

I love my boys - LOVE them - but I need the external accomplishments just for myself. As it is, I spend 2 days per week home with them right now and that's fantastic (I'll go back to work full time in May), but I wouldn't want to do it all the time. Ultimately, I need to work to be the best mama I can be for my boys, strange as that may sound!

lelekay

I agree.  I do look forward to days off from school to spend extra time with him, but I was already going stir-crazy/resentful/depressed in his third month right before I went back to work.  I adore him more than anything, but I need this for me.  It may not be true for everyone, but for me....I'm a better mama by working. 

MrsNJSwimmer

lelekay:

I agree.  I do look forward to days off from school to spend extra time with him, but I was already going stir-crazy/resentful/depressed in his third month right before I went back to work.  I adore him more than anything, but I need this for me.  It may not be true for everyone, but for me....I'm a better mama by working. 

this.  ditto. 

eacerna

redshoegirl:

I love my boys - LOVE them - but I need the external accomplishments just for myself. As it is, I spend 2 days per week home with them right now and that's fantastic (I'll go back to work full time in May), but I wouldn't want to do it all the time. Ultimately, I need to work to be the best mama I can be for my boys, strange as that may sound!

My thoughts EXACTLY! Glad I am not the only one who feels this way. I kinda feel guilty that I feel that way.

redshoegirl

eacerna:

Glad I am not the only one who feels this way. I kinda feel guilty that I feel that way.

I totally understand. There's a sort of insinuation in our culture that to be a great mother, you have to be totally self sacrificing, and not always in a positive way. If you don't give up everything, then you're sub-par. This is especially true of personal validation through achievements outside of child rearing.

Obviously my boys are of the utmost importance in my life, but that doesn't mean that they're the only thing in my life. I need to achieve things that are for me - JUST for me - in order to feel like I've reached my potential.

I don't think this is bad any more than finding being a SAHM fulfilling is bad - some women are wired for one and some are wired for the other.

I think it's kind of interesting that there tends to be a lot of judgment about SAHM vs working, mostly because no one ever questions a father's need or desire to work. If a man says he enjoys working because his career accomplishments make him feel proud and good about himself and his contributions to society and his family, no one questions it. But if a mother says the same thing? Yeeeah.

Married2MrWright

redshoegirl:

I think it's kind of interesting that there tends to be a lot of judgment about SAHM vs working, mostly because no one ever questions a father's need or desire to work. If a man says he enjoys working because his career accomplishments make him feel proud and good about himself and his contributions to society and his family, no one questions it. But if a mother says the same thing? Yeeeah.

Sadly, men get the opposite though...if they want to be a SAHD. They're automatically assumed to be "lazy" or less motivated, etc. Which is wierd, because it's certainly "good enough" for a woman to SAH, why not a man? My brother has been a SAHD for 8 years...his youngest is in third grade and the eldest is in eigth. He also had two foster daughters until January. He does the cooking, the cleaning, the homework, the soccer practices, scouts, groceries, etc. But it took him a LONG time overcome judgement from others...especially his inlaws. Strange because it was their daughter who was the one who wanted to go back to work after baby #2 but they still felt that the best choice was for one parent to be home, so my brother did it. It works for them. And it allowed my newphew to be homeschooled for a while when he really needed that. And now my brother just finished his BS in Psychology and is working on a PsyD and wants to specialize in men's issues and fatherhood, etc. for his patients. Pretty neat!

MauiWedding08

don't every feel bad for that!  I agree, I need to work out of the house for my own sanity and to appreciate the time I do have with my family.

SAH/work out of the house debate has a strange dynamic and like everything else it seems like everyone has unsolicited advice and opinions. 

A SAHM recently told me, well of course you would want to work you have so much education.  So then I was thinking, ummm does that mean that others like myself shouldn't stay home, or someone that has an entry level job can't equally enjoy her job and want to work?  I guess maybe she meant it's more financially feasible for me to work because she has mentioned she would barely break even after childcare if she returned to her part time admin job but she came off as judgmental and ill informed.

redshoegirl

Married2MrWright:

Sadly, men get the opposite though...if they want to be a SAHD. They're automatically assumed to be "lazy" or less motivated, etc.

True! It's so strange to me that there's a double sided double standard about this issue (or that it even is an issue lol). You'd think that by this time we'd be over the rigid gender stereotypes but we're not.