very confused step mother- very long

cfsinger

I dont usually do the whole posting thing, but I feel like I need to vent and also get some outside perspective.

here is some background information
my husband had a child with his girlfriend (off and on for about 4 years) from highschool. they broke up once Chase (their son) was born. The BM is a very controling and manipluative person, and has always walked all over my husband (Mike). Everyone (including Mikes parents) always think aww poor BM, she had a child when she was young, blah blah blah. The point is she always gets favored and had thoroughly screw Mike on their current custody agreement. (Her family basically denied Mike even seeing chase after he was born until mike signed the agreement, even though it was basically all in BM+ her families favor). But we have played along with this current agreement to the best of our ability, we try to get him when we are allowed, sometimes it works, sometimes not. Also, we just got married at the beginning of the year, just got an apartment 6 months ago, and are living stable steady lives on our own. She is currently married, but separated, engaged to a different man, has been engaged about 3 or 4 times since chase was born, and has never moved out from her parents house. So not only is there enough problems trying to get chase to listen to his elders and respect his MOTHER AND FATHER, she lives with NANA who gives chase  everything he wants and we know of times that her parents blatently tell chase not to listen to her.
The visitation is as follows- every other weekend, and usually everyother major holiday (each is listed out and specified though)
DH pays 320 a month for support and she just had us summonsed for a re-evaluation to get that increased because she needs another 300 a month to help pay for chases school (that DH and I a completly against and told her that every time she brought up putting him in it)

Current Problem
This year for Halloween its is our regular weekend with him, AND it even states in the agreement that halloween of even numbered years is ours. So once we tell her we have already bought his costume and getting things ready for halloween to be at our apartment this year, she freaks out. First she said its unsafe, it should be at her house, like its always been. She then tries to say, ok well this is my 4 week notice that Im taking him for my vacation time from the 29th through the 5th of november (just so that mike and I cant have him for the holiday) She is still trying to argue that she gave valid notice even though she told us on the 5th, and 4 weeks is 28 days so technically she can have him from the 2nd right? She is also saying that we are more than welcome to come over and go trick or treating like we did last year with them, but they are not leaving and neither is chase. We have already  gone to the sheriffs office to see what we can do that day when she refuses to give us chase, theres not much we can do to enforce the agreement, except call for an emergency custody hearing since she is not complying. But I am also confused as to why she isnt following the agreement that her own lawyers wrote to screw over mike, this is the first halloween in 5 years mike has EVER had, and shes trying to take it away.
ok so i need help with the halloween thing
but DH has also had enough of her dictating how the agreement is going to be interpreted, and is tired of her basically just doing what she wants with it. so he also filed for a summons to be given to her for a new custody agreement. This is the part i need help with, we have requested 50/50 custody. We live in the same town, no more than 15 minutes away from each other, so we think its fair for us to have him a week then he goes home for a week and just keep switching like that, he would go to the same school, it wouldnt affect him that much. We just thinks its fair because Mike has done nothing wrong, hes has always paid on time, always helped out when she needs it, he doesnt fight her over petty stuff he could easily win, and usually gives in when she requested something even if it takes some of our time. he isnt a bad father.

so doesnt it just seem fair that we would get more time??? Im starting to wonder now if a judge would actually give us 50/50, or if they would still just favor the BM?

SUwife

It sounds fair, but who knows what a judge would do.  I hope you have documented all the stuff she has done and when she has denied you visitation.  You really can't predict what a judge would do, but hopefully you would get more time and they scare her some to actually follow whatever order you end up with.

PlannedChaos

Ok, to address things you mentioned specifically, yes, you generally CAN get the sherriff to enforce the visitation order if it specifically says you are to have him at a given time. If you are concerned, then yes, go with the emergency court hearing, but it may end up making you look petty in the judge's eyes.  I guess it's a matter of picking your battles.

On he custody/visitation order, to say changing your SS's lifestyle from living with Grandparents and mom full time to being a week on/week off with you is no big deal is COMPLETELY unrealistic.  It would be a HUGE change for him.  I'm not saying don't do it, but be aware that is IS a big change, especially if he has a completely different set of rules and expectations in each home.

The judge is probably going to wonder why, all of the sudden within a year of getting married, this needs to change.  If it has gone on for a number of years with the existing agreement, the judge most likely will not see a reason to change the arrangement, and will instead think your DH is just trying to be petty since he is being asked to pay more child support.  SO - I guess I would look for more equitable ways to split the time, without changing your SS's living arrangements. 

J&A2008

I think the BM sounds unstable.  How many engagements?  Does she move in with these men?

 But, no one can really predict what the judge will decide.  It could come off sounding like your motivation is financial.  Why do you have a problem with his school?

 

sterfehr

We have a similar situation. We moved to the same city as SS a year and half ago and got married this past summer. We are using the courts to ease into changes gradually. We used to have him every other weekend and now we still have him every other weekend but DH picks him up from school on Thursday and drops him off Monday. SS is nine by the way. The courts (mediators here in NM) figured that would be a nice way to ease SS into us being here and getting used to seeing us more. We plan on going back to court this year and asking for more time, not 50/50 though, as this would be a big change for SS.

As far as the Halloween thing, I would check with the local sheriff's office. We've had that happen a couple of times too, where SS's mom wouldn't agree to follow the parenting plan and in the end we always just gave in because we figured it would be easier for SS than bringing a sherriff to his house to get him. Check with the sherriff's office and threaten her with that. As the date gets closer if she still hasn't given in, I would let it go, but definetly document it. Document everything to show how uncooperative she is next time you are in court.

 When these types of things happen I always end up feeling beaten down, but like the good person who did what was right for SS.