July 2011 Moms
BoogieMonster629
member
Options
HTT: Spankings
BoogieMonster629
member
Hot Topic Tuesday, posts which may be controversial and are intended to get the board talking.
Tonights topic: Spankings/swats/taps - whatever you want to call it
How do you feel about it?
This discussion has been closed.
Re: HTT: Spankings
Im a fan of redirection in the young, timeouts in the late toddlers/preschoolers, & grounding in older kids.
I am also a fan of smacking a hand, swatting a butt, or a spanking in a situation where it would actually be beneficial.
IE- My inlaws have a woodstove, Camden went to touch it last year, we said no, he didnt listen after a few warnings we smacked his hand. He cried for a second, then never tried to touch the stove again. Much better than blistered fingertips I think.
Spanking: Never
Taps on the hand: maybe.. i have never been a mom so i don't know how i feel about that yet.
Not my style.
I'm not going to call CPS if I see a parent spank a child (assuming non-excessive), but I think there are better ways to discipline.
I was spanked 3 times as a child. Interestingly enough, each time was for a misunderstanding, and if my parents had bothered to take the time to sit down with me and talk about it instead of spanking out of reflex, it could have been avoided.
BFP #3 via cancelled IUI ~ C (2lb 3oz; HELLP) 5/16/11
BFP #4 via the natural (free!) way ~ E (8lb 11oz) 9/13/12
I was spanked, I didn't turn out all that bad. I think that there will be some situations that will warrant a swat or spanking, but not everything should be solved with one.
I believe in discipline when necessary for bad behavior and positive reinforcement when the child is behaving.
I don't however believe in hitting your child as a punishment when you are enraged. I think that sometimes people can take it too far. My mom used to bash my sister and my head together when we would fight because she would get so infuriated by it. DH's mom used to whip him with the belt when he tried to run away from a spanking. If you are feeling irrationally angry over something your child did, it's probably best to send them to time out so you both get time to chill out, instead of using physical punishment that you would regret later.
I should have added this, I never ever ever punish beyond an initial timeout if Im angry because people respond differently when angry than they do after theyve had time to cool off & think it over.
We'll see how this all works out for me when I have a 15 year old daughter though. Im already dreading it.
This is the kinda situation where i would find the smackin of the hand totally acceptable i think.
We definitely go for redirection and time outs, but when necessary we have and do swat or smack hands. Like pp said, especially in dangerous situations. DD had a thing with going after electrical outlets.
I know how quickly spanking can turn into something more. We were always smacked in the face for back talking and I pray to God that I don't revert to the same thing. I have a quick temper and it's important that discipline doesn't occur because of my temper, but because our children need to learn an actual lesson.
3 more miscarriages and finally a correct diagnosis (septate uterus) and a corrective uterine surgery later, our second blessing is here!
MH's father would beat him and his brother with a belt in full fits of rage. And he used the buckle end! He also rubbed half a bottle of shampoo in MH's brother's eyes when he was only 3 or 4. MH just told me all of this info about a month ago as I sat there listening and bawling my eyes out. These two little boys just doing what little kids do and being beaten like that. . . so incredibly sad. This man will never be babysitting for us.
We prefer redirection or time out with DD, however, I have swatted her on her bottom once. I felt horrible after, but she was about to run out into traffic and would not listen to me when I told her to stop. In that case I firmly believe a swat on the bottom is acceptable and necessary. I hope to never have to do it again, though.
I am hoping we are as lucky with #2 and can use the same methods, but I also know each child is different and we might not be so lucky.
I use the Supernannys techniques for a lot of things, sleep training (My favorite), timeouts, rewarding good behavior, taking a step back & seeing how my kids see me. Im glad that woman is on tv, I think she's made a me a better parent.
I will swat when it is needed. I can count how many times I was spanked on my hands. It was when something we did was really wrong. I don't agree when spanking is the main form of punishment.
I will not use time outs or do grounding when they are older.
I use redirection in my job, and will use that with my own kids also.
I'm all about a quick spank/hand swat whatever you want to call it to get kids' attention in a dangerous situation. For example, touching a stove.
Never in anger and in a rage. When I become that infuriated, off to their room until I figure out what to do about the situation.
I don't plan to spank in a rage or hours after the fact as in "You were naughty, go think about it and I'll spank you later." I never understood that.
This. I respect a lot of PPs who have talked about the importance of using physical discipline WITHOUT anger. My parents' biggest regret in their parenting was spanking us when they were really pissed off, which inevitably escalated the spanking to near-abuse levels at times.
I've seen both my sister and brother use physical methods effectively. With my sister's kids, a swat on the butt after timeouts and warnings does the trick. It's not that she even applies that much force- it's just the act that produces the desired result. My brother and SIL decided to gently tug on the hairs on the back of my nephew's head when he doesn't listen to verbals or timeouts. I'd never heard of it, but it's very effective and my nephew definitely shapes up when he knows it's coming!
My final thought on the matter is that there are several degrees of physical discipline, and I think it's unfair to uniformly associate spanking with child abuse. There are certainly cases where that's true, but I think many parents use much milder forms of it to compliment other methods of discipline. And that's okay by me.
There are certainly situations where a physical response may be warranted. For example, swatting away the hand of a child reaching for a boiling pot of water. But I don't believe in hitting any living thing - animal, child, adult - as a standard form of discipline.
Even though I was spanked I don't see the value in it. I also think there's a risk of the parent hitting harder/more than intended if done in anger. And it strikes me as slightly hypocritical for a parent to spank a child and then tell that child not to hit other kids.
There are lots of choices for parents to reward good behavior and correct bad behavior that don't involve physical discipline.
Can we please check back in on this when you have a hormonal child? I dont see how redirections going to work on a teenager.
^^This literally broke my heart. I cannot imagine
FWIW, I don't practice spanking. For me, it's unnecessary, and I feel can easily get out of hand or be used far too much. I believe in consequences, but feel hitting your child can send a lot of mixed messages. I am a fan of the Love & Logic method, which involves lots of reinforcement, consequences (i.e. "timeout"), and ultimately teaching them to make a good choice.
That said, I was spanked as a child. I have a great relationship with my parents. It works for some people, and I don't have a problem with it as long as it's done properly... but it isn't for me.
My parents used to do that to us. I would try and find ways to sneak out of getting spanked, or I would layer up my underwear so it wouldn't hurt. I think once I even tried putting a book in my pants.
Another thing I don't like is telling the child to choose their punishment. Really, think about it, if your options are getting spanked or no tv/toys all day are you going to pick the longer term one or the quick spanking? I always picked spanking, it didn't teach me anything.
"Never Violence"
a story told by Astrid Lindgren
[Author of Pippi Longstocking]
"Above all, I believe that there should never be any violence." In 1978, Astrid Lindgren received the German Book Trade Peace Prize for her literary contributions. In acceptance, she told the following story.
"When I was about 20 years old, I met an old pastor's wife who told me that when she was young and had her first child, she didn't believe in striking children, although spanking kids with a switch pulled from a tree was standard punishment at the time. But one day when her son was four or five, he did something that she felt warranted a spanking - the first of his life. And she told him that he would have to go outside and find a switch for her to hit him with. The boy was gone a long time. And when he came back in, he was crying. He said to her, "Mama, I couldn't find a switch, but here's a rock that you can throw at me."
All of a sudden the mother understood how the situation felt from the child's point of view: that if my mother wants to hurt me, then it makes no difference what she does it with; she might as well do it with a stone. And the mother took the boy onto her lap and they both cried. Then she laid the rock on a shelf in the kitchen to remind herself forever: never violence. And that is something I think everyone should keep in mind. Because violence begins in the nursery - one can raise children into violence."
I think that too often we fail to feel situations "from the child's point of view," and that failure leads us to teach our children other than what we think we're teaching them.
hehehe...so does this mean that she should spank her teenager?
I'd have a hard time not laughing if I was to tell my 16 year to bend over my knee for a spanking...
D'oh...just re-read this, her saying that she will not use groundings when they are older. That was the only thing that kept me in line....the fear of my parents limiting my social life
BFP #3 via cancelled IUI ~ C (2lb 3oz; HELLP) 5/16/11
BFP #4 via the natural (free!) way ~ E (8lb 11oz) 9/13/12
This. I respect a lot of PPs who have talked about the importance of using physical discipline WITHOUT anger. My parents' biggest regret in their parenting was spanking us when they were really pissed off, which inevitably escalated the spanking to near-abuse levels at times.
I've seen both my sister and brother use physical methods effectively. With my sister's kids, a swat on the butt after timeouts and warnings does the trick. It's not that she even applies that much force- it's just the act that produces the desired result. My brother and SIL decided to gently tug on the hairs on the back of my nephew's head when he doesn't listen to verbals or timeouts. I'd never heard of it, but it's very effective and my nephew definitely shapes up when he knows it's coming!
My final thought on the matter is that there are several degrees of physical discipline, and I think it's unfair to uniformly associate spanking with child abuse. There are certainly cases where that's true, but I think many parents use much milder forms of it to compliment other methods of discipline. And that's okay by me.
For some reason, it wouldn't let me quote right, but I couldn't agree more with this. Well said.
This. Another situation, my 2 year old got away from me in a parking lot and would not stop when I yelled. She just giggled and ran faster. When I finally got up to her I gave her a swat to the rear end. It didn't hurt her, but it got her attention. When I got an ugly look from a passerby I proudly told them that I'd rather swat her behind then have her run over in a parking lot!
There were several times where I think if my parents had just beat me when I was a teen it would have spared us all a whole lot of trouble LOL
Really though, with the grounding, unless you have a perfect goody goody teenager I dont see how you can avoid grounding all together. Its not like you can say "Oh you were caught kissing your girlfriend that was naughty soooooo lets go paint a picture instead."
I'm all about choosing punishment but it has to be on equal scale. Spanking and taking away a toy is not on the same scale. My parents did this with us and I think it worked pretty well. However, it was more along the lines of, "You can wake up an hour earlier on Saturday to complete XYZ on the chore list or you'll be missing Friday night's basketball game." Still a bad example, but more on the same scale.
Not on a teenager. That would be odd. I was never grounded so it can be done. My grandparents never grounded their kids either. (they raised my sister and I)
ETA: I was in no way a goody. In fact the complete opposite.
yep, I've got no problem with a spank every once in a while when it's needed.
(please note: to me a "spank" is a quick attention grabber to the thigh. not very hard at all. my mom spanked me and it didn't feel good but it wasn't painful either. it DID make me stop what i was doing, and i thought reallllll hard before ever doing it again)
LMAO. That would be so hilarious to witness a parent actually saying that to their teenager.
I'm hoping she didn't mean to say not? Who knows - she may think redirecting a teen will work?????
HAHAHA thank you, I was seriously wondering what kind of redirection could work on teenage angst.
I was a brat, a holy terror of a child. My parents really should have sent me to bootcamp or something even grounding never worked for me.
God there probably are moms out there who would parent a teen with redirection. I actually saw on Tyra (yeah I know) a mom who spanks her teens.
See I feel the same as my grandparents do. They always felt like if you grounded then that would just make them even more mad and rebel even more. I probably would have too. I was a terror kid too.
I think it is useful depending on the child. When I was little spanking did nothing for me and I was the obnoxious child who would egg my parents on to go ahead and try until they were so flustrated they couldn't do anything to me.
FI's parents did not need to resort to much spanking, after hearing of their punishments they seemed very effective. Lots of standing and facing the wall when you did something you weren't suppose to.
I think the punishment should fit the situation and the personality of the child.
So what do you plan to do when your teen acts out?
I see myself raising my kids like I was raised. Worse case scenario is they are just like me. When we made mistakes they were ours to own up to. They really let us kind of feel our own way through and we had their guidance to help. There was just alot of communication. There were times if we wanted to go out they would say no. It's not like we did whatever we wanted at all times. They just never said you can't go anywhere for x amount of time. I would like to stick with how they did things. Who knows though. That may not be what works. Just have to wait and see.