Overbearing mother--help! (long)
Hey ladies--I'm sure I'm not the only one with this problem, so hopefully someone will have some advice.
I'm almost 8 weeks pregnant with what will (hopefully!) be my first child. We've had two miscarriages before, so we're really excited that everything seems to be going well so far. Everything, that is, except for my mom. We're really close--we see each other 2-3 times a week, and we talk almost every day. We have pretty different personalities, so we butt heads sometimes, but most of the time we get along really well. This pregnancy just seems to be throwing a wrench in everything. I feel like my mother is taking over my pregnancy and making it all about her. I'm only 8 weeks, and already she has gone looking at maternity clothes--without me. She is researching things that I haven't even gotten to yet (vaccinations, for example) and either asking how I'm going to deal with those things (um...don't know yet, Mom...still early), or offering her unsolicited opinion. I mentioned using Grace as a middle name for a girl at one point, and now she's completely stuck on it, and can't comprehend us using a different name. She wants to go to doctor's appointments with me--she has never asked me if I want her there. When I told her I was going to breastfeed (something that is completely foreign to her, though I honestly don't judge her for formula feeding me), her response was, "Well then how am I supposed to feed the baby?" And yesterday she said, "I just hope if one of your friends throws you a shower, that they invite me." Well of course they would!
I'm sure some of these things are trivial little things that I'm hypersensitive to because I'm hormonal and moody. But when I try to talk to her, she doesn't see that she is making everything about her or inserting herself into all aspects of my pregnancy. But she swings the pendulum the other way, and says, "I won't bother you anymore. I'm just going to back off and not say anything at all about the baby. I'll just leave you alone."
I love my mom, I really do. But I find myself just wanting to push her away the more I feel she's pushing herself onto me. Her mom wasn't very involved, so I know she's trying to overcompensate, and she means well. But what do I do? Do I grit my teeth and smile and nod just to keep the peace? Do I put my foot down and say, "Sorry if it hurts your feelings, but I have to keep my sanity?" Any advice?
Re: Overbearing mother--help! (long)
Well look on the bright side. At least she seems excited.. I have a feeling my mother is going to be completely mortified. All she ever told me is to wait until I'm 30 because she got married at 17 and had kids very young and she doesn't want that for me. However, she has been thrilled for both my sisters, one had a baby from a one night stand and the other sister is complete debt due to an obsession with shopping but because I am 22, it is the end of the world. Even though we are in a nice 3 bedroom house, own both our cars and we have no debt except for H's school loan and his car payment.
Maybe try to talk to her and I am sure she will understand. My mom and I are also very close and she knows pretty much everything about me and has always been supportive no matter what.
I have no advice but I understand completely. My mom is doing the same thing. The name thing, the appointment thing, the how am I supposed to feed the baby thing (seriously). My new favorite was when she said this grandbaby is mine, tell the other grandparents they can't have it! She has also informed me that she wants to move out and stay with us for months after the baby is born. Yeah, in our two bedroom apartment, sure, that won't kill me. Oy. Seriously?
I will say this, I've been gritting my teeth, but I find myself calling less and pulling away more. I don't want to push her away completely, so I think the teeth gritting has to stop. I'm going to try and work my way up to it and instead of having one big conversation, try just saying things as they come up. And see if she gets the point. I.e. Mom, you have to share the baby with the other grandparents and I don't want you to get mad if they get to see it.
For now, I am hoping for a H & H 7 more months and a little bit of calm.
I'm sorry, that is really frustrating. My mom has been getting on my nerves but for the same reasons as always, nothing pregnancy related other than her little comments every now and then about what I am eating.
My suggestion would be to really let it roll off. I know it's easier said than done but throughout the entire pregnancy and also after your baby is born you are going to have SO many opinions and overbearing people intruding on your life, time, and plans. It sounds like everything she is doing is coming from a good place with the best intentions. If you absolutely can't take it I'm sure you could tell her how excited you know she is but that it is stressing you out. If she wants to go buy every baby toy under the sun that is her prerogative but you don't need to know every little detail. Also maybe tell her less details for her to react to... keep it simple.
Good luck to you!