Expaining Death to a 3 year old...

Auki13

My aunt passed away and we are going to take my son and daughter to the wake/ funeral.  My daughter is only 17 months so she will be oblivious, but my son is 3 1/2 and is full of questions.  He didn't know my aunt, but I know he will want me to explain what's going on.  Does anyone have any suggestions?  We will not be taking him to the burial (I feel like that would be too scary for him at this point)...  How did you expain death to a child this young?  It seems like such an abstract idea...

EnglishMajor03

I'm sorry to hear about your aunt.   

My 3 1/2 year old just asked where my mom was yesterday.  I just told her she wasn't here any longer and she was happy with that response.  Of course, being in an actual setting of a funeral and wake will prompt more questions but keeping is short and as simple as possible is your best bet.  Good luck.

Rebekah1021

If you are religious, you can just say that she went to heaven and she was needed there.

I will warn you, your DS is approaching the age where they are fascinated/fixated on death and dying. Those talks are awful. 

wheelsonthebus

My son is still young, but I clearly remember what my parents told me. Death is a part of life and is not something to be afraid of. (my grandmother was dying) When Grandma dies she will go to heaven and will watch over you and keep you safe. Half of my family is very religious and the other half is athiest so it had to be something middle of the road. haha

Andrewsgal

Can I ask why you are taking the kids? I am of the opinion that kids don't really belong and funerals unless they were very close to the deceased. 

We are religious so simply explained that Great Grandpa went to heaven to be with Jesus. 

JAM2000

I know it is really old- like from the mid-80s but it won a ton of awards at the time. It how Big Bird learned about Mr Hooper's death and how he coped with it.

https://www.videohippy.com/video/49315/Classic-Sesame-Street-Im-Sure-Gonna-Miss-You-Mr-Hooper

Auki13

KitCat1:

Andrewsgal:

Can I ask why you are taking the kids? I am of the opinion that kids don't really belong and funerals unless they were very close to the deceased. 

I disagree, I think this is a great opportunity to start the discussion of death without it being someone a child is close with.

In my family and my DH's family, and really everyone I've talked with, it is very appropriate for children to be at the funeral home, funeral, and such.  In fact, it brought my grandma great comfort at my uncle's funeral to see my 1 year old niece playing.

We were debating on whether we should bring the kids, but I believe that it's important for children to be a part of all family functions (life, death, marriage, etc...) and it's a completely natural process that I would like him to be able to take part in.  We are religious and view death as a positive experience and I am hoping to be able to explain to him that even though it's sad for us here the deceased now gets to be in a better place...  I mentioned in my ? that we will not be taking them to the burial because I find that at his age watching someone put in their final resting place could be scary, but as he gets older and can understand more I will have no problem taking him with.

Thanks everyone for the ideas.  Hopefully everything will go smoothly and I can answer his questions as they come along (which they will!) 

taggiecb

Our oldest was about that age when his grandmother who he was very close to died.  We explained heaven, and we explained that her body didn't work anymore, we explained cancer.  But for about a year afterwards, everytime we went by the hospital that she spent the last months of her life, he would ask if she was there.  Sometimes at that age it's just easier for them to believe they are just somewhere else. 

Plus I do not like the idea of children at a funeral at all.  Not for them, but for everyone else that is there.  IT was a very sad funeral,and there was a little girl there about two who spent the whole time yelling at her mother.  It wasn't very respectful of the mother to keep her there.  It didn't at all occur to me to have my kids attend anything like that. 

wheelsonthebus

KateB1984:

My DS became obsessed with death at that age. We went to 3 funerals in 3 months, and my inlaws' dog died. I agree it's easier to deal with when it's not someone close to them.

It's different for us because we're atheist, but we told DS1 that when you die, you go back to the earth. Our town has a composting program (this sounds terrible, but there you go), and he loves the idea of compost recycling, and was completely satisfied that when bodies go back to the earth, they compost and become new things, and the energy from that person goes on to make other living things. But I think it could be helpful for even religious kids, since the burial concept can be disturbing.

We only had older people die (well, two were only in their 60's, but older to DS1). DS1 said he didn't want to die, so I talked to him about how 99% of the time he never wants to go to bed, but sometimes after a very busy day, when he's stayed up very late, he actually asks to go to bed because he's so tired. I said even though dying seems so bad right now, when his life has barely began, the end of his life will be very much like the end of a very long day. He seems satisfied with this.

Just answer his questions as calmly and as matter-of-fact as you can, and make sure you make it acceptable (and not taboo) to talk about it and ask questions. DS1 randomly one day (about a week after a funeral) asked to stop at a cemetary, so we did. We walked through, read the tombstones and admired the flowers left by loved ones. I think it really helped him process it.

I assume you believe in heaven, but if you don't, I found the book Parenting Beyond Belief helpful for the death/dying selection alone. I was raised atheist and my mom told me death was like falling asleep and never waking up. Not helpful, and I was afraid at bedtime for years.

Good luck! I was so uncomfortable with the questioning in the beginning, but after the last 6-9 months of these talks, I'm actually much more comfortable with the concept of death personally. It really made me evaluate my beliefs and talk about them.

ETA: I'm very sorry for your loss.

This made me remember that as I got older and asked more questions, the athiest side of my family told me it was like a long dream that you never wake up from! haha Not exactly what a six year old wants to hear!

Auki13

MalloryRae:

KateB1984:

We only had older people die (well, two were only in their 60's, but older to DS1). DS1 said he didn't want to die, so I talked to him about how 99% of the time he never wants to go to bed, but sometimes after a very busy day, when he's stayed up very late, he actually asks to go to bed because he's so tired. I said even though dying seems so bad right now, when his life has barely began, the end of his life will be very much like the end of a very long day. He seems satisfied with this.

That's a really good way of explaining that aspect of it.  I'll have to remember that one. 

I agree!  When he gets a bit older I think this is a great way of explaining this aspect of death... Thanks!

lucylea

Unfortunately, we have had to deal with this twice in the past six months.  In July my dad passed away after a long illness.  DD knew he was sick so we just explained that his body got old and worn out and now he was in Heaven and young and healthy again.  She still occasionally asks about him and we just remind her that he is in Heaven and we will see him again when we go to Heaven.  

Harder, though, was when the 2 year old little girl I babysit (or used to I guess) passed away two weeks ago.  We did our best to explain to DD that she had passed away and gone to Heaven, but its hard to explain how someone young can do that.  We just stressed that she got very sick all of a sudden and we did everything we could to help her, but God needed her in Heaven more than we needed her here.   She asks for the little girl almost daily and keeps asking when she will be done with Heaven.  We just keep reinforcing that she will be in Heaven forever, but when we get old and our bodies give out we will get to see her again.  

I personally tried my best to stay away from using the "sleeping" explanation because after hearing that as a child I was terrified to fall asleep thinking I would pass away.  That could have been my overactive imagination, but I didn't want to risk it with DD.   

We had no problem taking DD to my dad's visitation, funeral, and burial.  She did great and brought lots of people joy.  We did not, however, take her to any of the services for the toddler as we wanted to make sure she only remembered P as alive and healthy.  

EnglishMajor03

lucylea:

Unfortunately, we have had to deal with this twice in the past six months.  In July my dad passed away after a long illness.  DD knew he was sick so we just explained that his body got old and worn out and now he was in Heaven and young and healthy again.  She still occasionally asks about him and we just remind her that he is in Heaven and we will see him again when we go to Heaven.  

Harder, though, was when the 2 year old little girl I babysit (or used to I guess) passed away two weeks ago.  We did our best to explain to DD that she had passed away and gone to Heaven, but its hard to explain how someone young can do that.  We just stressed that she got very sick all of a sudden and we did everything we could to help her, but God needed her in Heaven more than we needed her here.   She asks for the little girl almost daily and keeps asking when she will be done with Heaven.  We just keep reinforcing that she will be in Heaven forever, but when we get old and our bodies give out we will get to see her again.  

I personally tried my best to stay away from using the "sleeping" explanation because after hearing that as a child I was terrified to fall asleep thinking I would pass away.  That could have been my overactive imagination, but I didn't want to risk it with DD.   

We had no problem taking DD to my dad's visitation, funeral, and burial.  She did great and brought lots of people joy.  We did not, however, take her to any of the services for the toddler as we wanted to make sure she only remembered P as alive and healthy.  

Oh God both of those situations are awful.  I'm sorry for your loses.  

BriAndSean

My daughter is not quite 3 and we have been dealing with helping her understand my FIL's death recently. I've been very matter of fact with her and let her take the lead with questions. We told her one night that her "Pappy" died and asked her if she knew what that means. She didn't so we explained that his life was over. We told her every person has a life story with a beginning (birth) a middle (life) and an end (death). Pappy's story ended when he died.

She seems to understand quite well so far, but we will see what happens as she continues to process this. We just had his memorial service yesterday and we brought both of our children. It wasn't a traditional funeral, but more a celebration of his life (he died 6 wks ago). Many family & friends specifically thanked us for having the kids there and said how helpful it was for them. They were both very well behaved and we had a back-up plan in case they needed to be taken out.