How to keep from becoming the 'heavy'?

AlishaMay

I'm pretty new to motherhood in general, and wasn't planning on being a SAHM, so I could really use some advice on how not to become the 'heavy', if that's even possible.

I feel like I take care of the babies all day, clean the house (something that I'm just now feeling like I can maybe keep on top of), and at the end of the day, DH comes home, and now I'm having to pick up after him.  Never mind that once the weekend comes he's completely trashed the place, and by Monday I need to start all over again.  I ask, and ask, and ask him to just pick up after himself, and sometimes he does, but none the less, there's dirty socks on my kitchen counter at this very moment.

Also, we've agreed that we need to clean up our language, so that the sponges that are our baby girls' brains, don't get filled with filth.  I've cleaned it up, and he's down there swearing up a storm, and getting annoyed with me when I remind him that he needs to watch his mouth.

He's good about watching the girls so that I can run errands on my own, but I have to feed them and get them down for a nap first, so that he can just play with them when they wake up.  Sometimes he gets home from work at bedtime, and I have to tell him that's not the time to get them all wound up, and maybe it's best to have some quiet snuggle time instead.

These are just a few of the examples of how I'm made out to be the 'heavy' on a daily basis.  I feel like I'm always having to nag at him about something, and that he doesn't see how he's making my job harder.  I've gotten mad about it, and I've tried talking to him calmly about it too.  I hate feeling like I'm treating him like a third child, but when he's leaving socks on the kitchen counter, tracking mud through the house, and swearing at his video games, it's hard to not treat him like one.  I know that his job is stressful, and he wants to be able to relax when he gets home, but it shouldn't be at my expense.  How can I have some down time too, and feel like I've accomplished something at the end of the day - even if that means just a clean kitchen?  

Of course, I'm not listing DH's many good and helpful qualities, of which there are many.  But if anyone has any good tips on how to keep from becoming the bad cop, and getting DH on board a little more, I'd love to hear them! 

P.S. Thanks for letting me vent a little too

 

NathsPrncssD

Well, I don't have much of an answer for you. But, I just wanted to say that your girls are ADORABLE! My husband sometimes gets on my nerves for things like you were mentioning. In fact, I had a mild temper tantrum last night about something. I don't mind the everyday messes - just clean up after yourself! It's truly only fair if he does clean up after himself and he should be helping with the cleaning too. You have two babies to take care of...and, it's only going to get harder when they start walking! Maybe you need to tell him that unless he starts picking up after himself, you will need a cleaning person to come once a week. Or, maybe you shouldn't clean-up after him and see if he gets the hint! Sorry, I am not much help! Just stick to your guns and tell him how you feel again! Good luck!

chedder143

Your girls are beautiful.

I agree with the PP. If you haven't already, try having a heart to heart with him. I've had to do this with my own hubs more than once. My hubs was a SAHD with our son for many years, so I'm sure he remembered just how much there was to do at home and how the one that stays home is never "off". 

But the inevitable happened and I found myself, like you, doing everything. There are times when it seems like all I ever do is clean up after everyone (I have an 11yo son and a nearly 4yo daughter). I also feel like everyone in our home feels like they don't have to worry about cleaning up after themselves because "Mom will take care of it".

A couple of months ago I actually had a breakdown in front of my hubs and my son. Both were mortified when I sobbed and blubbered out my frustrations. It has been better since then (we're all still bummed that it got that far), but I would be lying if I said I still didn't have to talk/ask/tell them that I need their help.

Huge {{{hugs}}} .... I don't know if I'm much help at all, but all I can say is to just keep talking to him. I try to do this when I'm not angry or frustration. Hard to do, I know. Hang in there.

jen5-03

AlishaMay:

I feel like I take care of the babies all day, clean the house (something that I'm just now feeling like I can maybe keep on top of), and at the end of the day, DH comes home, and now I'm having to pick up after him.  Never mind that once the weekend comes he's completely trashed the place, and by Monday I need to start all over again.  I ask, and ask, and ask him to just pick up after himself, and sometimes he does, but none the less, there's dirty socks on my kitchen counter at this very moment.

Go dump those socks on his side of the bed. In fact take a laundry basket around the house, gather up all his  junk that has appeared since Friday and go dump it there.

AlishaMay:

Also, we've agreed that we need to clean up our language, so that the sponges that are our baby girls' brains, don't get filled with filth.  I've cleaned it up, and he's down there swearing up a storm, and getting annoyed with me when I remind him that he needs to watch his mouth.

When he sees an 18mo-2yo stand up in the bath and say "Where the hell is the damn soap" maybe he'll get it (that's what I said as a baby. My DD has parroted MIL and chanted crap! crap! crap! when she visited around that age)

AlishaMay:

He's good about watching the girls so that I can run errands on my own, but I have to feed them and get them down for a nap first, so that he can just play with them when they wake up. 

Sorry, you're doing that to yourself. You do not "have to" feed them. Get the food ready, tell him they'll need to eat in 30 min and leave. He will NEVER figure it out if he doesn't have to try.

AlishaMay:

Sometimes he gets home from work at bedtime, and I have to tell him that's not the time to get them all wound up, and maybe it's best to have some quiet snuggle time instead.

Personally this isn't a hill I would want to die on. It's not worth the battle. He wants to interact with them and that's a good thing. Let them play. And then he can help wind them down too.

lilone_06

I totally agree with Jen 5/03's advice. 

We also have a 'dumping ground' next to DH's side of the bed.  I'm pregnant now so refuse to bend over and pick up his stuff from all over the house.  I literally just this morning used a broom to push it all into his corner.  As far as interaction with the LO's, you just have to push him.  Remember how scary and tough it was when you were learning to feed, put to sleep, bathe, etc. - he's not doing it day in and day out like you are, so it's not easy!  But it is important, so just force it; give him as much room or as much help as he'd like. 

GL, I think a lot of us have been down this road, and it just takes a lot of calm and respectful communication.

detroitblondie

OK, so you are totally singing my song- although over time my man has gotten a lot better.  As far as getting him to pick up after himself, I would try to stop nagging him so much because nobody wants to be nagged.  I can't say for sure what it was that made my guy help out more, but I think that had something to do with it.  I began to realize that nagging wasn't getting me anywhere and that he probably knew how I felt and what help I needed but didn't want me to constantly tell him what to do.  Once I backed off, it seemed like he started helping out A LOT more.  Also, as far as getting him to clean up his language- he probably figures that it doesn't have that much of an impact on your girls yet.  However, once they start talking and repeating everything you guys say- I'm almost positive your husband will take notice and clean things up right away.  We were in the same boat- only it was ME with the potty mouth (a bad habit of mine).  My husband would say watch it- you swear too much.  When my son started talking I immediately became a lot more conscious of my language.  Lastly, one thing I finally told my husband one day was that I totally appreciated him but that when I'd ask him to do something in a particular way when it came to the kids (such as snuggling rather than rough housing at bed time) it was because I am with them day in and day out and have learned how to best put them to sleep, etc.  NOT that I didn't think it was great that he wanted to play with them but because it just doesn't "work" at bedtime.  Best wishes, chica.  I believe that it WILL get better as time goes on- maybe not perfect but a lot easier to work together to do what you guys have to do. 

jacksjerseygirl

My only recommendation is: communication. 

Schedule a time to sit down and talk (when there are no interruptions and neither of you are hostile). Explain that being a SAHM does not mean you are the end-all, be-all of childcare and home care 24/7. You have a job and he has a job. At the end of the day, you are both EQUAL parents and EQUALLY responsible for your home.

The first conversation about this should be less finger-pointy and more about what YOUR needs are. The second conversation, if needed, goes further to explain what you expect from him.

Good luck!!