DH and "I'm so tired"

ArcticFox

DH has a full time job and takes classes every other week for his MBA.  Every time he comes home, he is always saying how tired he is, yawning, and zoning out. 

I watch the kids from when I wake up to when they go to bed (9:30pm), and then I go clean the house, do laundry, take a shower, or whatever else needs to get done.  For instance, I just got done scrubbing toilets.

I am drop dead tired.. I barely ever sit down, I chase the kids all day, and even if I get adult interaction, I have 2 kids whining and pulling on me.  When baby #2 was born, I was getting like 4 hours of sleep a night and then watching the kids all day.

I guess my point is, I'm tired too, but I suck it up and deal with it, and even though I hate it, I stay up til 10:30 scrubbing the toilets.. the world doesn't stop turning for me.  Tonight I'm mad about it, because DH put our older DD in bed at 8 and is hanging out watching TV and using his laptop.  Am I overreacting that I get annoyed always hearing how tired DH is after sitting at a desk all day and he manages to have a relaxing dinner and lounge in bed?  I'm not saying my job as a SAHM is harder, but I know it is more physically demanding, and regardless, I don't make a huge deal out of when I'm tired.

I feel like this is sort of like when DH is sick.  He makes a huge deal out of it and he's so dramatic.  Like, I get it.  He is basically useless because he acts like he can barely function.  I would rather just watch the kids alone.  I don't know how many times he has to say he's tired.  Sorry.. this is a lot of venting!

susanmosley

I completely understand what you are saying.

But, why don't you give yourself a break?  Youe toilets didn't HAVE to get scrubbed after bed time.  Why don't you share w/ DH how tired you are as well?  Veg out together.  No one is forcing you to suffer in silence, right?  I know there are things you have to do & I know that things can get irritating.  I'm sorry you are at your cracking point - truly.  It sucks!!  But make sure you aren't being the martyr.  Doesnt sound like the pressure is coming from your DH but from yourself.  i hope u can find the balance & share your thoughts with your DH instead of killing yourself & blaming him..  

littlemermaid

vent away, it's good to get it off your chest here.  But sometimes men just don't get it and they need to be reminded that you need some help around the house.  I think a calm discussion is in order, not now when you are all worked up, but at a time that you can be calm and see if he can help assist you with some of the chores.  Remind him that he is a father and also lives in the house and you should not be left to take care of the children 24/7 and clean the house all by yourself.  Have patience and hang in there.

MeganColleen

Feel free to vent away, we all need to do that every so often.

Having said that, I feel as though this is a classic example of the difference between men and women.  Of course I am overgeneralizing the population, but men tend to be vocal about their needs and take the time they need for themselves whereas women tend to self-sacrifice and put themselves last, making it a priority to do every last thing on the to-do list even if it means complete exhaustion.  At least it is the case in my own marriage - and I know it's my own fault most of the time. 

There's no reason that a toilet has to be scrubbed at 10:30 at night - it can wait until tomorrow.  Get the rest that you need and tackle the remainder of your to-do list at a later time.  Or, if you told your husband what needed to get done, maybe he'd pitch in and you could both be in bed and relaxing by a decent time.

 Just a thought I hope things get better for you!

hellopoppyseed

Oh yeah I know what you mean! I'm in that 4 hr sleep stage and if I hear anyone else (without babies) say they are tired, I'm going to kick them. And men do just take the time they need to relax and it annoys me.

Cherryblossoms07

I could write almost that exact thing, with the exception that I have only one child.  I don't know if I could handle another one.  Could you believe that in all this mess DH wants another child?  Yeah, it is not happening!  DH is no help during the week.  I am the one with DD from wake up to bedtime.  On the weekends he is working on his masters so not only do I have to watch DD from wake up to bedtime but I also need to keep her as quiet as possible.    I hate to say it, but I hate weekends.

In order to make it through this, I learned that I have to admit to myself and others that I cannot do it all.  I now let cleaning slide once and a while if I am too tired or just really need a break.  I realized I get more done when I am fully rested and ok emotionally ( I go to the gym for this).  One thing that really helped was asking for help.  Luckily my neighbor has been in the exact same spot as I am now (SAHM, full time+ working husband who is also getting his masters).  She has been GREAT at helping any time I really need help.  Another idea would be to hire a mother's helper to help you out if you don't have someone who can help regularly.  

I hope it gets better for both of us.

Stacyc625

I hear what you are saying too. Truly I do.

However- it is just the man vs woman mentality. As other said, you didn't need to scrub toliets at 1030. Veg out with him.

I have learned this a LONG time ago- If I wait for DH to understand that I need a break- it just won't happen. I just take them now. They don't wait for us to say, 'babe, why don't you relax and go watch some TV' now do they? -

Only you can start balancing your day better. Figure out exactly what is making you so upset with DH and communicate that with him. How I look at it is- either he needs to step up- or you need to get extra help in the form of paying someone to do it. That is how i broach the issue with my DH - 'either you do it, or i am paying someone to help me- its up to you'

And FWIW--- Men can act like babies when they are sick because they KNOW we will take care of them. And who DOESNT want to be taken care of sometimes?-

So take care of yourself- and either make him help more or hire help. Be it a mothers' helper or someone to come in and help clean. Pretty simple.

Notwifezilla7

I hear you.

DH knows not to b!tch to me about being tired anymore, because after filling in for me a few hours one day he understands what my tired is.

Communcation is the big key here. I think Stacy said a lot of what I'd say, so I won't rehash it, but let him know you need a freaking break or a housekeeper or BOTH! I wouldn't be surprised if he didn't realize how exhausted you are since you jsut keep moving. Hang in there and go get a pedicure or coffee- alone - while DH watches the kids!

Andrewsgal

Not to be ugly but your whole post screams martyr. Put your kids to bed earlier, clean the toilets during the day even if they are sitting on your feet, and relax when they go to bed. I am sure you are tired but you are bringing this on yourself, why in the world would your kids go to bed at 9:30 at their age?

Stacyc625

Andrewsgal:

Not to be ugly but your whole post screams martyr. Put your kids to bed earlier, clean the toilets during the day even if they are sitting on your feet, and relax when they go to bed. I am sure you are tired but you are bringing this on yourself, why in the world would your kids go to bed at 9:30 at their age?

I told her that in the last post

Kitten80

We have this same issue.  I have told DH to "suck it up" and "be the grown up" because the world does not stop for me when I am tired (all the time these days) or sick (much less often than DH), but like your DH, my DH feels these things entitle him to sit and do nothing while I run around.  I end up taking care of him plus DS, pets, and house.  Even when I am sick.  So "deal" all ready.  So over dramatic.  So frustrating.  I ask him if he thinks there is a magic fairy who comes by and picks up the slack when he doesn't feel energetic or well enough to pay bills, clean up his clothes from the path he strewn them about, clean dishes, make meals, and care for DS and the pets...apparently the answer remains "yes".

No help, but good old symapthy!  Hang in there.  Try to take a break for yourself. 

Sweets2005

Totally vent away!

I think a few things need to happen (in my tiny opinion): DH needs to help more, DH needs to stop whining and/or at LEAST ask you how you are feeling, you need to give yourself a break.

The toilets dont HAVE to be scrubbed at 10:30 at night. Why can't you sneak away for 20 minutes of speed cleaning while the kids play? Or just let the cleaning wait! Maybe I am a slob but I will not martyr myself, stuff can wait!