NTR: My relationship with my mom

davis0905

My mom and I don't have a great relationship.  It's ok, but it has never been a close one.  She was a wonderfully attentive mother when I was growing up but then things changed when I was about 12 or 13...she became depressed and could not be emotionally present for me.  As an adult, I would have hoped things would improve but I am so disappointed.  Although she is no longer depressed in the clinical sense, she is extremely critical.  Everything that comes out of her mouth sounds preachy and judgemental.  Sigh.  I envy friends of mine who call their mother their "best friend". It will never be that way with my mother and I.  I think she is too damaged.  I'm just sad about it right now, even though I accept it.  I am also feeling like there is more pressure on myself to make sure the cycle is not repeated with my own daughter.  I want to be close with her throughout her life, and although there may be ups and downs, I want her to feel comfortable reaching out to me.  I want her to feel accepted and respected.  Thanks for listening.  I don't want or need any advice, I just needed to vent. 

thequeeenbee

I'm sorry, that's rough.  

criticalmass

One of the hardest transitions is when you start to see your parents as people with flaws who are just trying to make it through life. That is the key to being friends with your parents once you reach adulthood, you accept them the same way to accept your friends, sometimes it works and sometimes is doesn't.

I have to keep certain topics totally off limits from my mom in order to maintain a good friendship. I also do this with friends who have radically different opinions on certain things.

ambrvan

I understand what you're going through. I can totally commiserate.

My mom and I have never had a good relationship, not even when I was a kid. I admire her strength when I was young. She had me a 16, and stayed with my dad for 17 years through some pretty heavy stuff that no one should have to go through. She never graduated high school, but got GED and the graduated valedictorian of nursing class. I'm proud of her and admire many things she did for me. But she got so lost in how well she ended uip doing along the way that she forgot to be my mom and was just a provider. And that was only until I could provide for myself. She was always so focused on everything she did, all her great works that reassured her she wasn't a failure, that it made me not want to owe her anything. I got a full time job at 16 and started paying rent to her. I paid all my bills, bought my own car, paid for my own college, etc.

Then when I moved away, things looked they were getting better until she told me she was getting divorced, and was still wanting me to come home to baby sit my little brother for her every weekend so she could go out, even though I lived more than 2hrs away. 

Things stayed rocky, and got worse after I met DH. When I told her we were expecting, she flipped and told me I could not have a baby right now because she might still have one (she is pregnant now with her new husband). She told me I should consider abortion so I didn't make the same mistake she did with me, etc. We only talked three times during my entire pregnancy, and she has only seen DS a handful of times (if that). She has never come to me, I have always had to drive to her. She has never (until recently) shown any interest in her grandson or her step-granddaughter. And she still despises DH.

Thanksgiving was the last straw for us. She wanted us to come down and spend the night (since we had decided to start alternating holidays), and when we got in town, she told us she didn't want us in her house. So we stayed with my grandparents. Then at the family get-together, she made fun of DH for saying "taters" when he was talking to DS instead of "potatoes." Yes, he is a country boy, but she made sure everyone could see that she was a b*tch that day.

My mom has not called me or texted me without me being the initiator in over a year. We had not talked since Thanksgiving until a couple weeks ago, when  I called her. It hurts me to know that I am going to have a little sister soon that I might not know because my mom and I cannot get along. So I called her and she answered with the typical, "Well, what do you want?" And when I said, "Just to talk. We haven't done that in a long time," she seemed to soften a bit. We talked for a long time, and there were only a few acerbic remarks, and they were tolerable. But I laid it down for her and told her that I didn't want to lose her or my brother or my future sister, but I was not going to keep standing at the half-way line and waiting for her to meet me. I told her me, my husband, and our family are a package deal. I told her she does not have to like me choices, but she does need to accept them. If she can't, then I'm going to quit trying to make things work.

We have talked three times (about once a week) since then, and remained civil to each other. But she still has yet to be the one to call me. I things get better, but I'm not hoping for anything this time.

anna7602

I am reading an interesting book by Deborah Tannen right now about mother-daughter relationships/communications called "You're Wearing That." It's helping me gain some much needed perspective on my difficult relationship with my own mother.

sweetfern

My mother and I haven't spoken in over a year and we (H, DD, me) are better off for it.  She has substance abuse problems and was abusive, so I have many of the same feelings and thoughts you do.  It is hard and I'm sorry.

Cheekie4

Sorry you're dealing with this.  I understand how you feel.

My mother & I have never had a relationship.  Although she was 23 when they had me, I think she was too young.  I don't think she lived enough of her life (her friends had children later in life) & took that out on me.  I had a lot of responsibilities growing up.  Looking back, there are things she had me doing that I would never have DD doing in a million years.  There was no communication between us.  We never had any talks about puberty, boys, sex, growing older, etc.  I learned all of that on my own from books or my friends.  I started being financially responsible for myself when I was flippin 14 years old.  While my girlfriends were spending their money at the mall, I was pinching my pennies so I could buy toiletries & clothing.

It sucked, and you can probably sense that I'm still bitter.  When I had DD, I decided that was between her & I & nothing to do w/ DD.  I have her watch DD about once every two weeks.  It's practically unbearable.  She is so over-the-top w/ the way she handles herself w/ DD.  She dramatically tells DD how much she loves her, cuddles on her, teaches her things, etc.  All those things are normal for a grandmother to do, but the way she handles herself is just insane.  The worst is when she acts like I'm not a good mother & don't watch DD closely enough.  I'll see DD walking toward the steps & get up to go get her.  My mother will literally rush in front of me, scoop her up, & tell me how quickly babies can get hurt. Then she'll tell DD (and this REALLY pisses me off), "Don't worry, Grandma loves you & wouldn't let something happen to you."  It's ridiculous.

The majority of the time, I bite my tongue.  I really do want DD to have a relationship w/ her.  As of now, DD loves my mother.  There could be a time when DD realizes what a nutcake my mother is, but I'll let her decide that for herself.

If I have learned anything from my mother, I've learned how I don't want to be w/ my own children.  Plus, I have a best friend who supports me 110%.  She constantly reminds me that I am not my mother.