Giving up?

Tapatio

Last weekend we went to go help my brother and SIL move back to their home after a devastating fire last year. While I was there, my SIL (who is 39 and on dialysis) was telling me that a family friend came forward to give her his kidney. Great news! She starts telling me the guy's life story and mentions that he always dreamt of becoming a police officer and then a detective. He had to walk away from his lifelong dream for a variety of reasons. This absolutely broke my heart and hit a nerve. I cried all the way home (about 35 mile trip) thinking about this guy (that I don't know) and the dream he'll never see to fruition.

I always thought if I had a loss...it would break me and I couldn't survive another. Well after two losses I said to myself "I can't survive a third." I had a third loss and now I always wonder how much more I can handle. A fourth loss? A fifth? How long can I continue stressing about TTC and how it takes over my life cycle after cycle?

Where do you draw the line?

hopefulelise

You seem to have taken the words right out of my head. I think of this a lot. I think back on my three losses and I get mentally exhausted. Then I think of the journey I have ahead of me, and it's taxing on the soul. I'm sorry you are struggling with the same thoughts I deal with. ((hugs))

When you figure it out, please let me know? 

itsmegin

I think each person is different. I know if I had a second loss, my OB would start testing to figure out what was going on. I would have to see what the results were and what our options were before I could make a decision.

Part of me thinks I'd just go straight from TTC to adoption and not try any fertility treatments, because I'd love to adopt, but I'm not sure since I haven't been in that situation and I don't know if we could even afford adoption. DH is slightly open to it but not thrilled so his opinions would also have to be considered.

I do know I will never give up on being a mother. Whatever it takes, whatever form it takes-my own children, fostering, adopting, adopting older kids, whatever. I will be a mother. I won't give up on that. 

butterflynola

Oh god what a hard question.  Well...when I went into pre-term labor and relized the most likely outcome I was overcome with this question how much can I bare??? 

I was very close to my older brother and my dad and they both passed away 6 years ago next week and I thought surely god does not think that I could handle losing them and now my 1st baby too?!  Now I just don't know what the future holds and how much I can handle I'm shocked some days that any of us have made it thus far just with our losses I don't know about multiples Iosses, I really Hope I never have to and I hope that your 3rd will be your last.  ((hugs))

Tapatio

hopefulelise:

You seem to have taken the words right out of my head. I think of this a lot. I think back on my three losses and I get mentally exhausted. Then I think of the journey I have ahead of me, and it's taxing on the soul. I'm sorry you are struggling with the same thoughts I deal with. ((hugs))

When you figure it out, please let me know? 

Honestly, at this point I don't know what my limit is. All I do know is that I can't give up. Other people have it harder than I do and I owe it to myself to go after my dream of being a mother. But everyone has a breaking point. I just worry sometimes that it might be around the corner. ((big squishy hugs)) to you.

martinimomma

First off, ((hugs)).  I am so sorry that you are feeling so frustrated.  Know that we are here for you. 

Then, as to your question, I think the "line" is different for each of us.  And it moves -- it is written in pencil, not marker -- and can change from time to time and maybe even day to day.

Today, I draw my line at TTC actively after August, when I turn 40.  I think that will be the point of mental and physical exhaustion for me.  As one who started this process at an advanced age, I am running out of energy even though our journey has been relatively short.  What happens between then and now, and if I experience additional losses, may change that line.

Today, I (well, DH and I) draw the line at ART beyond medication.  The risks of ART plus the risks given my age, plus our religious backgrounds, just don't make that a comfortable place for us.  Today, anyway.  But like the above, I see how that line may be redrawn in the coming months.

I wish there was a perfect answer I could give you - but I think the line is one you and your DH can only draw together.

((More hugs)).

CashewsMommy

DH says 1 more and we're done. But he also said that under the grief.

I honestly can't do that. Until my doctor tells me that it's not safe or that I have no way of having a take home baby, I want to keep trying.

rosenb2b

That is such a touching story re: the friend donating his kidney. 

I agree that it is completely up to the individual.  Like you, I didn't think I'd be able to handle a 2nd loss, which happened and I survived but I can't help but think about what could happen if I'm fortunate enough to get PGAL again.  I honestly don't think I'll keep TTC if we experience a 3rd but after I heal a little each time, I start to see the light and have a positive outlook. 

IF, #3 loss occurs, DH and I have started talking about adoption as a possibility but I'm not ready for that yet.  He's heard horror stories on the costs associated with fertility treatments so he's not sure about that.  We just aren't sure about anything right now. We definitely didn't think we would be at this point but we are taking it one day at a time.

{HUGS} to you!!  I hope you are able to come to a decision that is right for you!

MrsAtch

My first loss was awful and I didn't have a strong support system. Losing another baby in November really devastated me and it crushed my husband. But we desperately want to be parents. I don't think I will know how much I can take until I get to the point where I just can't bring myself to do it again. I'm hoping that the third time is a charm. But I'll keep trying until I have a baby at home or until I am too emotionally exhausted to try anymore.

jertie

I've pondered this recently,too.  I'm in awe of the strength of the ladies here who have been trying for over a year, through multiple losses or unsuccessful cycles.  I'm quickly learning that it takes a tremendous toll.  As such, I've set a date in the not too distant future to conceive.  If I conceive (please, please, please!!) that's great - but if I don't, we will let the dream go.  I think if I have to let it go, it will be one of the hardest things I've ever done - but it will be necessary in order to move forward.  I think that mulling over what could have/should have been isn't productive if you're trying to get on with the business of living. 

So, until the day arrives, I'll keep taking my PNVs, charting, FWP and keeping my fingers crossed.

brenn

I just had this conversation with DH last night.  Because of my recent diagnosis (balanced translocation/up to 50% chance of m/c with each PG) I could have 20 more losses on top of the most recent 2.  Or I could have 1 more or none (um YES PLEASE) before a healthy, viable PG.  We were talking about when is it too much, when do we move onto other options.  We both agreed we can't put a number on it right now.  We can't say after 4 losses in a row or 5 or 6...we agreed we have to take it one pregnancy and loss at a time.  Easier said than done though.

Gilgenbach2007

That is a tough question to answer.  I've only been through 1 loss, so I really don't know how I would feel after each additional one.  I'm sorry for all the women that have had to go through multiple losses. 

My H told me that if it would come to additional losses that it would be up to me if we wanted to keep trying again.  He would be fine with having kids or having no kids.  If it were up to me I think I would keep trying till I get what I want in the end.

sisterrael

"The Line" was a constantly shifting target for us, until recently.  It took almost a year to get pregnant and our loss was devastating.  And as much as I truly want to be a mother, I am not willing to destroy my self, or our relationship to get there.  I never knew how mentally taxing it would be to TTC and then TTCAL where every cycle feels like a fresh loss again and again and again.

So we talked about what lines we were willing to cross, what chances we were willing to take, what fertlilty help we would accept.  This series of lines we'll cross for another two years.  Then we're done.

With us, it will be either picket fences or the Peace Corps.  If we're not pregnant or parents by then, we're signing up to teach where ever we are needed.  I'll be a mom to kids who are truly in need of me.

 

I am sorry that you feel this way, that we all do.  Again, as I do so often, I wish we could all resume that fertility naivety that was completely filled with hope and happiness.

Laurakat81

I've had this conversation a million times with my husband. Before I ever had any losses, back when we first started trying, I was online and came across a story of a women who had three miscarriages and I actually turned to my husband and shared the story with him. Then I actually said, "If we ever have three losses we need to just give up.". My husband nodded in agreement. Funny how we NEVER imagined we'd end up with two losses.

I've thought of that conversation a million times since then. About how naive we were.

I can't say where we'd draw the line at this point. 

I remember thinking after our first loss that I wanted to give up, that one loss was too painful and I didn't think I'd ever even begin to heal from it. After our second loss, I was so angry and just wanted to figure out what was wrong so we could fix it. Turns out even after all the testing we still have no answers but now I'm ready to keep trying. Excited even. There is still this little naive part of me left that says, "No way you'll have a third loss!".

But if I lose another baby I don't know how I'll react. I imagine I'll start looking at other options like adoption while continuing to try again but I just don't know.

I think we never know what we are made of until something bad happens. 

nikki04vb

You're stronger than you think.

There are so many women who have had multiple, multiple losses and in the end had healthy, beautiful children.  I wouldn't give up.  Maybe put less effort in or take time away from the board and actively TTC.  You can't control whether or not you m/c... just hope that the next baby is the one you were meant to heave. 

Izabella22

I'm sorry you are having a tough time today hon, seems like a bunch of emotional stuff all at once... add that to the stress of being back to TTC...

I've been having the same sort of terrified thoughts of "what if" - while we were TTA ALL I could think about was getting back in the game. Now I'm in the game and suddenly I'm having all these horrible thoughts, what if I get pg and lose it again, what if I can't get pg, what am I going to do if I have another loss, how am I going to deal with anything if we lose another pregnancy. It was much worse after the 2nd loss, I had a lot of thoughts about just giving up completely, but I healed some and realized this is still what I want. I think its probably something similar to getting cold feet before the wedding, you know what you want but its a huge step. After having multiple losses that step seems pretty wobbly so its more of a leap of faith. And knowing that being a mom is worth all those risks and possibilities. I hope tomorrow is a better day for you and you can PM me anytime if you want to talk. *BIG SQUISHY HUGS*

Junebug060609

I don't know where my line is, just that I haven't reached it yet.

Glad to hear that it looks like your SIL has a kidney coming.  My BIL had a transplant almost 5 years ago and his brother (my DH) was the donor.  BILs quality of life is vastly better now.  I wish the same for your SIL.

Tapatio

Junebug060609:

I don't know where my line is, just that I haven't reached it yet.

Glad to hear that it looks like your SIL has a kidney coming.  My BIL had a transplant almost 5 years ago and his brother (my DH) was the donor.  BILs quality of life is vastly better now.  I wish the same for your SIL.

Thank you! This guy has been a friend to my SIL's brother for years. When he found out what she's going through with dialysis, he instantly offered to be a donor. Amazing! I'm glad your BIL had a good outcome.

Pachita

That is a hard question, indeed.  I don't know how many losses I'll be able to handle. I've already had 2 in less than 6 months.    I really don't know if I'll be able to handle another one.

tiffanysbride

So, I have asked myself this question a few times. We had a blighted ovum, Nicholas was stillborn due to a freak cord accident and had another blighted ovum. We basically have decided another late loss and we are done and will begin adoption paperwork. I think we would do the same for an early loss as well but am not 100% sure.

I do think after this last lost some of the stress is gone for now. Not sure why but now that we have had time and some peace we both feel a million times better about our future no matter what that means. It's hard with ups and downs but I do think there is a peace for us in knowing that we can't control the outcome. That does mean it is not heart wrenching.

Junebug060609

Tapatio:

Junebug060609:

I don't know where my line is, just that I haven't reached it yet.

Glad to hear that it looks like your SIL has a kidney coming.  My BIL had a transplant almost 5 years ago and his brother (my DH) was the donor.  BILs quality of life is vastly better now.  I wish the same for your SIL.

Thank you! This guy has been a friend to my SIL's brother for years. When he found out what she's going through with dialysis, he instantly offered to be a donor. Amazing! I'm glad your BIL had a good outcome.

My DH was the same way when he heard about his brother.  There was no question he was going to see if he was a match.  Have they already checked to see if this friend is a good match?  For DH there was a multi-step process.  BIL is doing well.  Still taking anti-rejection meds, but no dialysis.  Since the transplant he and his wife have gone on to have a DD via a gestational surrogate (SIL was unable to carry to term, they'd tried repeated IVFs and had a m/c every time).

kmount

Hard to say.  We've talked a lot about this, as we are now foster parents and could easily move to adoption if we chose to.  I think I would probably try forever, even if I said I wasn't (like always timing sex, JUST in case).  If I had a late loss, I might feel differently, because my three early losses were painful enough.  I can't even imagine growing more attached each day and then losing it, after all that I have been through.

That said, this was our first (hopefully only) IUI cycle, so we are willing to at least go that far...  we'll see.

Tapatio

Junebug060609:

Tapatio:

Junebug060609:

I don't know where my line is, just that I haven't reached it yet.

Glad to hear that it looks like your SIL has a kidney coming.  My BIL had a transplant almost 5 years ago and his brother (my DH) was the donor.  BILs quality of life is vastly better now.  I wish the same for your SIL.

Thank you! This guy has been a friend to my SIL's brother for years. When he found out what she's going through with dialysis, he instantly offered to be a donor. Amazing! I'm glad your BIL had a good outcome.

My DH was the same way when he heard about his brother.  There was no question he was going to see if he was a match.  Have they already checked to see if this friend is a good match?  For DH there was a multi-step process.  BIL is doing well.  Still taking anti-rejection meds, but no dialysis.  Since the transplant he and his wife have gone on to have a DD via a gestational surrogate (SIL was unable to carry to term, they'd tried repeated IVFs and had a m/c every time).

He is still in the process of submitting paperwork so they haven't checked yet. My SIL stated that if he is not HER match he can still donate to someone else and THAT person's donor can give my SIL a kidney if they happen to match. So two people would be getting help in the process. Donating any body part is so selfless and I'm in awe of anyone who does it. You've got a good DH .

Junebug060609

Yup, he's a keeper. 

Hopefully he is a good match for her.  For DH the initial recovery was tough (going from 100% to 50% kidney function AND recovering from major surgery), but he's been fine since.  No complications, just some scars.  His bro was feeling so much better even in the hospital (3% to 50% function).

jerryliljess

 I'm so very sorry you're going through such a hard time! ((big hugs))  That story of the man giving his kidney to another person is very inspirational.  It's such a relief that there are some people left in society who could make that ultimate sacrifice for another human being.

As of right now if I have one more loss, we're done TTC.  The heartache of loss and after loss is too much for me to bear.  Plus, I don't think my DH and I would have the funds to go through a RE.   

Tapatio

Thanks ladies! The idea of having to walk away from my dream (like that kidney donor) is not something I'm ready to do. I really don't know where I'm drawing the line. I'm simply taking it day by day.

I'm always amazed at how strong all of you are. Here's to hoping we all get our BFPs sooner rather than later....

myaddiwaddi06

I am so sorry you are having a hard time. Like the pp's said everyone's line is different. After this loss I told dh never again. I didn't think I could do it again for fear it would just keep happening. After a short time I was ready again. I'm not sure how I would react if it happened again. I can't imagine three. That's just not right. I am sure you feel defeated some days and hopeful on others. You and yh will draw the line and maybe even move it around a bit. Big hugs tonight I feel terrible that you are so down.

cutebride73

I know how you are feeling - I wonder that myself.  I have also had 3 losses.  And now I am starting IVF and I have so much hope for this to work.  I don't know what will happen if it doesn't.  I mean I will survive, but what we will decide about further treatment I am not sure.  IVF is a one shot deal for us - finance wise.  It's such a hard decision - to say where to stop.  I do know that I want a baby with DH very badly and I really hope that is able to happen. 

I just wanted to say - that is great for your sister - to be getting her a kidney.  For someone to donate theirs is such a selfless gift.  Maybe this is what he was meant to do - to make a difference in someone's life in this way. 

Tapatio

cutebride73:

I know how you are feeling - I wonder that myself.  I have also had 3 losses.  And now I am starting IVF and I have so much hope for this to work.  I don't know what will happen if it doesn't.  I mean I will survive, but what we will decide about further treatment I am not sure.  IVF is a one shot deal for us - finance wise.  It's such a hard decision - to say where to stop.  I do know that I want a baby with DH very badly and I really hope that is able to happen. 

I just wanted to say - that is great for your sister - to be getting her a kidney.  For someone to donate theirs is such a selfless gift.  Maybe this is what he was meant to do - to make a difference in someone's life in this way. 

I completely agree. He had to walk away from his dream but he was always convinced that he was put on this Earth to make a difference. I guess he is getting his chance

LilMaggs

*huge hugs*  I honestly don't know.  I'm asking myself the same question right now.

Eris-Alexis

What a fantastic story about your SIL and her friend.  FX that he is a match, or that if not the double transplant is a go.  I will keep them in my T&Ps.

As far as the line is concerned, we have not yet had that discussion.  My first loss was a chemical pregnancy, which was painful, but due to the circumstances we were able to go back to TTC quickly.  The loss of our twins was devastating.  We spent a long time discussing whether we wanted to go back to TTC as soon as we got the all clear, or whether we wanted to wait longer.  Once we got the okay, there was no question.  Trying again has given me hope and has helped me to stop focusing on the pain. 

If we have another loss, I don't know how we will handle it or what it will do to our plans.  I don't know that we would be able to afford adoption, but I know that I am meant to be a mom.  DH already has a daughter, so he doesn't feel the need as much as I do.   I am just trying to focus on getting pg, and then enjoying every day as much as possible.  I am praying that we never have to make the decision about when is too much.

I hope we all get our BFPs and this becomes a non-issue.  

Tapatio

Thanks ladies. ((big hugs)) right back!

smalltowngirl99

I'm sorry for all that you have had to go through. I don't know what I will do if it happens again.. It's really hard for me to accept the cliche and say.. Oh it just wasn't meant to be.. I don't know how I will accept it if I cannot give MH a baby, and how I will fill that void. I do know it's something I am willing to do anything for. I will try until we are told it can't happen or until we both come to an agreement that it is better for both of us to give up.

I hope you get your BFP and take home baby soon! (((hugs!!!))

MommyandKate

I'm really sorry, but did want to say that I love your quote:

"You were only given this life because you're strong enough to live it"

With that in mind, I think my line is drawn at the moment my dr tells me I'm too old to be pregnant and that it isn't safe for a child or for me.  Or if it negatively affected DD in any way- that I wouldn't allow.