If your DH works a lot/etc (is not home a lot)

ArcticFox

My DH works full time (including overtime), and is working on his MBA, and he also does side work (websites, projects, study groups, etc).

He rarely is home "on time".  If anything he works late, goes to a study group after work, goes to class after work, has a Saturday class, or comes home and goes right to his office and works.  

So when we see him, we either eat, run chores (like shop together), or he puts DD in bed.

The problem is, I do ALL the housework, and it gets overwhelming.  I do some stuff during the day while the kids are up, but then I end up having to do more after the baby goes to bed at 9:30pm.  That is also the only time I can shower. 

I am just so exhausted.. it pretty much leaves me with no free time and just emotionally taxed.  Wake up, watch the kids for 14 hours, then I don't even get a break... I have to do housework.

I have sort of complained about this before, but I'm not sure I can keep this up.  I don't know what to do.. is anyone else in a similar position?  Are you able to keep up with all the housework?  DH does stuff once in a while (like dishes) but it is rare.

HarrietNJMommy

DH does work a lot, but he comes home at 5pm, spends time with the kids and will then continue working after they go to bed. He does work on weekends, but he's at home and not in the office.

I think you need a cleaning crew. It's the only way I'm able to keep up with the house. I couldn't imagine trying to do it during the day (my kids don't nap) or at night after they're asleep (too tired).........

Is that in your budget? 

Stacyc625

I think a lot of people- including myself have similar experiences.

930pm is a late bedtime- why don't you try moving it earlier.

I easily have 14hr days and DH doesn't do any of the housework. It just all works out for me though.

CassRW

I have bouts like this too...DH works 48-50 hours a week, and his drive is 35 minutes each way.  So he is usually home about 6 or so...he typically leaves around 6 each morning too.  He works another job every other weekend too.  I can't complain about that, because it enables me to stay home with DS.  I do have a problem when he's not here due to other things, like things he wants to do, because I don't ever get a chance for things like that!!!  He doesn't really understand that either! 

They just don't understand how taxing it is some days...to not be able to get a thing done.  I broke down just a few days ago, because I just can't seem to finish the things that I want or need to get done.  I've finally come to the realization that I'll get done what I can and worry about the rest as I can get to it.  If anything bothers him that bad, he can pick up the slack.  He does pick up the kitchen most nights, but it's simply because he would rather do that than give C a bath!  Some days are just worse than others...try talking to him again and see what he says.  Tell him you are overwhelmed and need some help...you know he's busy too, but you need a break!  Maybe he'll step up, or offer to do something else to help you out!!  Good luck!

 

KKMMex

My DH is never home during the week and used to travel quite frequently.  He travels less now but he still is rarely home before 7:30pm and is usually gone before the kids get up in the morning. It has been this way since before our first child was born.

In your situation, and if you can afford it, I would hire a cleaning team to come every other week.  Another option would be to put your little ones in an MDO or preschool program a couple of days a week so you can clean without interruption and/or enjoy some down time.  You may get really resentful if you continue being responsible for all the childcare and all the housework.

Cherryblossoms07

I know how you feel.  DH works about 12 hours a day and is also working on his masters.  I would suggest finding a way to get a break.  I found a nice gym with daycare where I can drop DD off for 2 hours a day.  Having that 2 hour break to workout and have an emotional break has been a life saver.  Also, don't be afraid to ask for help.

momofmanyinthemitten

I hear ya! DH works a lot 6:30am-6pm (sometimes later) and he's on call (from home) every other week night and every other weekend. He also has a ton of things that he has to do for work, but on his own time, which means evenings and weekends. I only have a (very fussy) 6 1/2 week old, but I too, am stuck with running the house, taking care of her, and picking up after DH. He always says "You should sleep when she sleeps." If only it were that easy. He doesn't realize that there aren't elves that come and clean the kitchen and do the laundry, etc.

Last night I got my first week night out on my own to grocery shop. When I got home 1 1/4 hours later, he looked helpless and handed her right over to me. I think it was then that he realized how tough it is just to keep her content/asleep.

Hang in there. At least you know you're not alone.

DevonPow

Yep - DH is gone by 8 AM and usually home around 8:30 or 9 PM (he doesn't see DS on weekdays) and often works weekends. I do all the housework (and thus far this record breaking winter, ALL the snow shoveling - it is driving me nuts!!!!!).

A few things help:

- DS is in preschool now, but before he started we had a nanny one day a week. I had to have some time "off" to do errands, deep clean, have "me" time, etc. This was by far the best thing we did (we have no family in state to help). Saved my sanity.

- We do grocery delivery. This is huge. I love it. It makes my life so much easier. 

- I actually like cleaning (I am weird), so doing all the chores generally doesn't bother me. I just got into a good routine eventually  of when I could get it done. It can take a while to settle in, but once you get the routine down it isn;t bad. If I didn't like cleaning, we would have gotten a housekeeper. I figure, what is the point of DH working so hard if we can't use that income in ways that help the whole family?

Andrewsgal

DH goes through phases at work where he will work 80 hour work weeks, litterally like 15 hour days, he leaves at 7 and is home at 11, seven days a week. I don't complain we live very very well due to him and I can SAH, he does not like working all those hours or missing the kids so why lay it on him? My kids are in mdo/preschool DD goes three days a week and DS two, this gives me one day to get stuff done and one day to do anything I want for myself. It is a total lifesaver.

iteachk

I could have written this, except I only have one kiddo...right now.  DH has pretty much the same schedule.  He leaves for work at 6:30 before we get up, and gets home around 6 p.m. or later.  We eat dinner, he gives DD a bath, and I put her to bed at 7:30.  She doesn't see much of him, even on the weekends.  Even though the housework gets overwhelming, I try to remember that he's not exactly out partying, and he's exhausted at the end of the day too.

Mrs.Christie

My DH works a lot as well and he's not great at helping out when he is around. Once in while he'll do something nice, but for the most part it is even a task to get him to do the manly jobs around the house.

My house is not perfectly clean and the laundry is backed up, but life goes on. I don't worry about it too much. I am super strict about naptimes and getting DD to bed. She goes to sleep 7:30/8pm and that gives me a few hours in the evening to either relax or get stuff done if I'm up to it. If I were you I would work really hard on moving your LO's bedtime up, 9:30 is late and that doesn't give you much time to yourself.

 

lilone_06

Mine does work like that at times or travels for sometimes as long as two weeks.  They rarely if ever nap together, so it often is a 14 hour day for me.  It does get really tough putting in 14 hours with little ones, I can't imagine having to keep up with all of the cleaning on top of that!  Things that help me:

Girls go to the gym daycare two mornings a week so that I can get in a workout and a nice long quiet shower, and they get some time away from me and me from them.  They love playing with all the new toys and other kids there.

Cleaning crew for deep cleaning so I only have to do the laundry and light keep-up in between - much more manageable.

Would these work for you?

lilone_06

I also have a friend who just went through a similar situation (two very LOs, DH working full- and over-time plus pursuing MBA) and I've always wondered how/why she did it.  If I were in her position, I would have probably gone back to work, so at least I had a bit of a 'break' from house and kids and a little more income to get help with some of the house related workload.  Would you consider this?

Or, could your DH drop some of his additional side work (website) or enforce more reasonable hours at work to give you a hand at home?  Even if only one or two nights a week?  Like a PP said, what's the point of him working so hard if you're so miserable?....

Notwifezilla7

It's hard, I won't lie. DH doesn't get home until after 7 most nights, leaving the majority of the daily grind to me. I agree with the cleaning crew recommendation. I joke that instead of a gym membership, I got the cleaning lady.
I would much rather do anything then scrub toilets or the kitchen floor.

I don't mind laundry or grocery shopping and so that's not really a chore in my book.

I have just recently made a mom friend who is in a similar boat to me and we go to the same activities w/our LOs 3 days a week. It's great to have someone IRL who is living the same thing at the same time and have that ear/shoulder!