Lousy/hurtful reaction

ligeia18

I decided to tell a friend at work about my m/c (I've only told my assistant principal, and that's only because I'd already told him I was pregnant, because he was working on next year's schedule). She has been sympathetic to me in the past - when I lost my grandmother, she got the entire department to sign a card. When I'm sick, she asks how I'm doing. When my classes are tough, she lends an ear and lets me vent.

 I was nervous to tell her but I needed a little sympathy after a bad day. When I told her about my ER visit last week, she asked "Are you ok?" I told her that I'd had a miscarriage. 

Her reaction was nothing. A blank face, no surprise, no sympathy. "Oh I'm sorry." Then she told me she had work to do. Like I'd told her that I couldn't find a parking space. Or that I'd gotten a papercut. More than that - it was actually quite hostile.

I thought about this for a long time afterwards, since it was hurtful to me. I think that she either

a) already knew (somehow)

b) is uncomfortable around pregnancy things (she is childless by choice)

c) was so shocked that she couldn't even register it (yeah right)

I'm leaning toward A. If there is one silver lining to this process, it's all the insight I am gaining about being kind to people who are grieving. I am definitely NOT telling anyone else at work.

Anyone else have a weird reaction like this?

angelicalopez29

I experienced that in the past, with my first pregnancy. People don't really know how it feels until they are in the same situation. Try to just let it go, maybe she is indeed childless, or doesnt know how loosing a pregnancy feels. For us, its awful, because you build up so many dreams as soon as your pregnancy test gives a positive result, your mind fills up with so many joyful plans, and wishes...

People don't understand that, with the loss of a pregnancy, you also lose your heart, your plans, wishes and dreams. 

madiegirl83

First off I am so sorry for your loss.  And I really feel for you!  That is a pretty lousy reaction!  I have gotten the same kind of reaction from people.  And I think it is because they haven't gone through it... for some reason people who haven't gone through it themselves don't get it... it's like they don't see it as a real loss or something, which is absolutely false.  It is a very real loss and needs to be grieved as such.  I just wish more people understood that!  Again I am so so sorry!!

livy91606

I'm sorry it hurt your feelings.

I would try not to worry about it though.

My guess is that she didn't know how to respond.  It's hard for those who haven't experienced it to know exactly what to do or say.  I've either gotten the "It just wasn't meant to be", "God has another plan", or "I'm so sorry".  None of these comments make me feel any better, although I do prefer the I'm so sorry one. 

Who knows, maybe she is childless not by choice, but rather she can't get pregnant, or has experienced losses herself, and hearing the word "miscarriage" upset her.

I've have learned to understand that everyone deals with loss differently.  My own husband and I are grieving differently and it hurts my feelings and we've fought about it. 

It's just not a pleasent conversation to have with anyone, except those you know exactly how you feel because they have sadly gone through it too.  Thank god for this board! 

hewinked

I'm so sorry for your loss and the reaction of your co-worker.  My guess would be that she didn't know what to say.  I was complaining to my mom last night about how I thought it was rude that some of my friends on FB have not said anything about my loss.  Not that I want extra attention or anything, but when I hear of someone's loss, I always say I'm sorry no matter how close I am to that person.  My mom told me that my aunt told her that my cousin has tried to write me so many times to tell me she's sorry but just couldn't find the words and always deleted it.  That really put things in perspective for me.  Some people are really uncomfortable with death and don't know what to say, especially with miscarriage/still birth/infant loss.  It could be that your co-worker is just uncomfortable and doesn't know what to say so gave you a weird reaction. 

ligeia18

Thank you everyone, for your replies. They really helped because I started to see things from her perspective. I needed comfort at that moment, and while she was unable to provide it, you ladies have done so Thank you, and while I wish we were meeting on a different board, I'm glad to be a part of a community that always knows what to say.