How to deal with Passive behavior with DD

Victorsgal

I had my parent teacher yesterday about my daughter who will be 4 in April.  She is doing well academically and socially but is not really dealing with her peers when it comes to confrontation.  Her teacher said if someone pushes her or hits her, she won't say anything and just lets it go.  She said she is extremely friendly and never hits other students.  She said she is starting to get better and will defend herself now, but very passively.  So how do we deal with this?  I do not want to encourage her to fight however we do not want her to be picked on.  Her younger sister also hits her at times and she will defend herself or she will come and tell us/cries at times.  My mom says that our interference with her and our younger dd is what is allowing the passive behavior at school.  She believes if the younger dd hits the older dd, then we should allow the older one to hit her back.  I just don't agree with this, your thoughts?

femmegem

I don't think hitting back is right. We tell DS1 to use his words (tell the person he doesn't like that, etc.), walk away, and/or tell a teacher.

DandelionMom

You're mom is a little right (but not about hitting back!). When you step in your daughter doesn't have to learn how to take care of herself.  Of course you should stop your younger DD (and have her apologize) but when you do it teach your older DD to firmly say "Don't hit me!"  That way you're empowering her and eventually she won't need you to step in.   

Temp108743750006959

one thing that helps for us is (don't laugh) role playing, or giving the words.

so if someone picks on DS, we practice things with him that he can say back or do. and sometimes DH and I will get up and role play different scenarios -- the latter really helps bc it's funny and it helps DS find the words HE likes to say, if that makes sense.

I've have heard DS say to his friend, "you are not being nice so I will go play with Lyla (his sister)" -- those kind of moments make me happy for him.

Victorsgal

DandelionMom:

You're mom is a little right (but not about hitting back!). When you step in your daughter doesn't have to learn how to take care of herself.  Of course you should stop your younger DD (and have her apologize) but when you do it teach your older DD to firmly say "Don't hit me!"  That way you're empowering her and eventually she won't need you to step in.   

This is exactly what we do.  We will stop DD2 from hitting and I make DD1 tell her not to hit her, which she always does.  Then DD2 will go to timeout and then she has to apologize to DD1.  After she apologizes, DD1 always gives her a hug and a kiss and says "That's ok". 

susan1017

We had the same problem with DD at the beginning of this school year. There are a few aggressive boys and she was slow to defend herself. I told her in no uncertain terms that if she is hit to hit back. I promised that if she would not get into trouble from me if she was defending herself. I balanced this talk with never hit first and if a kid is not nice to walk away or tell the teacher if neccessary. Hitting was only to defend yourself.

We also went through a short phase where DD started to hit me (I had DS over the summer so I know exactly where that was coming from). Whenever she hit me or was physical with me I hit her back. I made sure she feltl it but I never hit hard enough to hurt her. I told her the same thing as in school :"kids who hit get hit back!" I also told her I don't let ANYONE hit me and it was unacceptable. I think the point was made because things smoothed out at school and the teacher said she saw a difference in her assertiveness with other kids (yeah) and the hitting stopped at home! Now every so often it comes up and I ask her what happens to kids who hit and she tells me 'they get hit back'.:-)

I also think it is never to early to teach girls about not being hit or talked to in a way that makes them uncomfortable.

Good luck with DD. I am sure she will be fine.

Victorsgal

susan1017:

We had the same problem with DD at the beginning of this school year. There are a few aggressive boys and she was slow to defend herself. I told her in no uncertain terms that if she is hit to hit back. I promised that if she would not get into trouble from me if she was defending herself. I balanced this talk with never hit first and if a kid is not nice to walk away or tell the teacher if neccessary. Hitting was only to defend yourself.

We also went through a short phase where DD started to hit me (I had DS over the summer so I know exactly where that was coming from). Whenever she hit me or was physical with me I hit her back. I made sure she feltl it but I never hit hard enough to hurt her. I told her the same thing as in school :"kids who hit get hit back!" I also told her I don't let ANYONE hit me and it was unacceptable. I think the point was made because things smoothed out at school and the teacher said she saw a difference in her assertiveness with other kids (yeah) and the hitting stopped at home! Now every so often it comes up and I ask her what happens to kids who hit and she tells me 'they get hit back'.:-)

I also think it is never to early to teach girls about not being hit or talked to in a way that makes them uncomfortable.

Good luck with DD. I am sure she will be fine.

 Thanks, I'm sure she will also.  It's just hard seeing my little sweetheart go through this.  We will continue to talk to her and try the role reversing idea.

ridesbuttons

My older son is very passive as well.  It is his nature.  I remember him having a playdate at a friend's home and the dad commenting on how my son was all 'Neville Chamberlain' regardless of the misdeeds he was on the receiving end of.

It used to bother me, but it doesn't so much anymore.  I have tried to coach both my kids to say 'NO' or 'Stop that!' if someone is teasing or hurting them. 

FWIW, my older son (who was incredibly shy and passive as a toddler) has begun to assert himself more now that he is 3.5.  From what I can observe at preschool he is very much a leader, despite the fact that he is not aggressive.  It's hard not to worry, but for me I feel like I want my kid/s to be true to themselves as well.  And if that means that they are inclined to turn the other cheek, then so be it.

ridesbuttons

susan1017:

We had the same problem with DD at the beginning of this school year. There are a few aggressive boys and she was slow to defend herself. I told her in no uncertain terms that if she is hit to hit back. I promised that if she would not get into trouble from me if she was defending herself. I balanced this talk with never hit first and if a kid is not nice to walk away or tell the teacher if neccessary. Hitting was only to defend yourself.

We also went through a short phase where DD started to hit me (I had DS over the summer so I know exactly where that was coming from). Whenever she hit me or was physical with me I hit her back. I made sure she feltl it but I never hit hard enough to hurt her. I told her the same thing as in school :"kids who hit get hit back!" I also told her I don't let ANYONE hit me and it was unacceptable. I think the point was made because things smoothed out at school and the teacher said she saw a difference in her assertiveness with other kids (yeah) and the hitting stopped at home! Now every so often it comes up and I ask her what happens to kids who hit and she tells me 'they get hit back'.:-)

I also think it is never to early to teach girls about not being hit or talked to in a way that makes them uncomfortable.

Good luck with DD. I am sure she will be fine.

amanda&rob

susan1017:

Whenever she hit me or was physical with me I hit her back. I made sure she feltl it but I never hit hard enough to hurt her. I told her the same thing as in school :"kids who hit get hit back!" I also told her I don't let ANYONE hit me and it was unacceptable. I think the point was made because things smoothed out at school and the teacher said she saw a difference in her assertiveness with other kids (yeah) and the hitting stopped at home! Now every so often it comes up and I ask her what happens to kids who hit and she tells me 'they get hit back'.:-)

Um, what? 

susan1017

amanda&rob:

susan1017:

Whenever she hit me or was physical with me I hit her back. I made sure she feltl it but I never hit hard enough to hurt her. I told her the same thing as in school :"kids who hit get hit back!" I also told her I don't let ANYONE hit me and it was unacceptable. I think the point was made because things smoothed out at school and the teacher said she saw a difference in her assertiveness with other kids (yeah) and the hitting stopped at home! Now every so often it comes up and I ask her what happens to kids who hit and she tells me 'they get hit back'.:-)

Um, what? 

It worked for us. I only had to do this once or twice and its not like I beat the child. I was driving home a lesson and she got it. These aggressive boys were HITTING her unprovoked. Walking up and hitting her for no reason. She was standing there and taking the beating. UNACCEPTABLE!!! Time for talk was over the second that kid put his hands on her. Damn straight I told her to hit him back!

I told her too that if I EVER her of her hitting first there would be consequences (loss of toys or priviledge. We don't regularly spank in our house.) She was taking her frustrations out on me and hitting me instead of the nasty boys. I was showing her it was OK to defend HERself by defending MYself. I didn't hurt her.

She is a smart kid and put 2 and 2 together really fast. She got the message and was able to stand up to the boys and the situation passed without any more hitting at school. The hitting at home stopped too. The whole episode was over in a week. I call that a successful lesson.

 

 

amanda&rob

But, you do realize that when she is in school and she gets in a fight "defending herself" she will be in trouble too.  It doesn't matter who hit first.  Schools have a zero tolerance policy and she will have "fighting" written in her file. Why not just teach her to go tell an adult and have the adults settle it. 

So, in your eyes it's cool for her to hit someone if she is hit first?  Awesome.  

Andrewsgal

susan1017:

amanda&rob:

susan1017:

Whenever she hit me or was physical with me I hit her back. I made sure she feltl it but I never hit hard enough to hurt her. I told her the same thing as in school :"kids who hit get hit back!" I also told her I don't let ANYONE hit me and it was unacceptable. I think the point was made because things smoothed out at school and the teacher said she saw a difference in her assertiveness with other kids (yeah) and the hitting stopped at home! Now every so often it comes up and I ask her what happens to kids who hit and she tells me 'they get hit back'.:-)

Um, what? 

It worked for us. I only had to do this once or twice and its not like I beat the child. I was driving home a lesson and she got it. These aggressive boys were HITTING her unprovoked. Walking up and hitting her for no reason. She was standing there and taking the beating. UNACCEPTABLE!!! Time for talk was over the second that kid put his hands on her. Damn straight I told her to hit him back!

I told her too that if I EVER her of her hitting first there would be consequences (loss of toys or priviledge. We don't regularly spank in our house.) She was taking her frustrations out on me and hitting me instead of the nasty boys. I was showing her it was OK to defend HERself by defending MYself. I didn't hurt her.

She is a smart kid and put 2 and 2 together really fast. She got the message and was able to stand up to the boys and the situation passed without any more hitting at school. The hitting at home stopped too. The whole episode was over in a week. I call that a successful lesson.

 

 

You have got to be kidding me. IMO people that use physical violence to get their point across or defend themselves simply don't have the intelligence to use words. Teaching a child to hit back has got to be the stupidest move ever. When it comes to fighting in upper grades both kids will get tickets or go to jail, just like in real life the cops don't care who hit first! 

susan1017

Andrewsgal:

susan1017:

amanda&rob:

susan1017:

Whenever she hit me or was physical with me I hit her back. I made sure she feltl it but I never hit hard enough to hurt her. I told her the same thing as in school :"kids who hit get hit back!" I also told her I don't let ANYONE hit me and it was unacceptable. I think the point was made because things smoothed out at school and the teacher said she saw a difference in her assertiveness with other kids (yeah) and the hitting stopped at home! Now every so often it comes up and I ask her what happens to kids who hit and she tells me 'they get hit back'.:-)

Um, what? 

It worked for us. I only had to do this once or twice and its not like I beat the child. I was driving home a lesson and she got it. These aggressive boys were HITTING her unprovoked. Walking up and hitting her for no reason. She was standing there and taking the beating. UNACCEPTABLE!!! Time for talk was over the second that kid put his hands on her. Damn straight I told her to hit him back!

I told her too that if I EVER her of her hitting first there would be consequences (loss of toys or priviledge. We don't regularly spank in our house.) She was taking her frustrations out on me and hitting me instead of the nasty boys. I was showing her it was OK to defend HERself by defending MYself. I didn't hurt her.

She is a smart kid and put 2 and 2 together really fast. She got the message and was able to stand up to the boys and the situation passed without any more hitting at school. The hitting at home stopped too. The whole episode was over in a week. I call that a successful lesson.

 

 

You have got to be kidding me. IMO people that use physical violence to get their point across or defend themselves simply don't have the intelligence to use words. Teaching a child to hit back has got to be the stupidest move ever. When it comes to fighting in upper grades both kids will get tickets or go to jail, just like in real life the cops don't care who hit first! 

I TOTALLY disagree. Words don't always work. We are talking 4 year old kids here, not fully developed older kids or adults. Some people only respond to being physical like this kid who targeted my DD in class to hit because she was so passive and let him. I put a stop to it. This kid is a problem and the teacher is well aware that if there were hitting going on who exactly started it.

I was teaching her that defending herself IS acceptable. It was a very specific lesson for a very specific situation with my specific kid.  I know my child and by giving her permission to hit back gave her enough confidence not to! That nasty boy kept at her and she walked away every time and told her teacher. She never did hit back. I knew she wouldn't. I am not trashy or ignorant. My child targeted by a 4 year old bully and I wasn't having it.

Call me ignorant and trashy all you want, my DD is not being bullied at school.