Worried, sad and scared

aurora1974

Hi Ladies,

I'm just going to apologize up front for the downer this post is going to be.  I have been feeling really down this last week and it's taking a toll on myself, DH and DD.  AF showed up again yesterday after playing games with my head since last Thursday (on and off spotting).  We have our first RE appt on Thursday and I have to admit I'm scared.   I'm scared that she'll find something wrong which may mean we can't have a baby.  DH and I have already talked about how far with treatment we will/can go and quite frankly it's not far.  We just can't afford IVF and have no idea how much one IUI will cost so don't know how many of those we would be able to do either. From what we've read, probably not more than 2.  Then I'm scared that they won't find anything wrong and there won't be any reason why we're not getting pregnant.  So, while I know most people have been saying how happy (maybe not the right word) they are to see an RE because it means they can move forward, I just feel like it's the worst thing in the world right now. 

Then there's the fact that I feel like I want this way more than DH and if we can't have one he's going to be perfectly fine and I don't know how I move on from that. All he keeps saying is that we keep trying and I need to not put so much stock in statistics.  So I feel completely and totally alone.  I don't know anyone IRL that's gone through any of these issues.  DH's old boss and his wife went through it and were never able to have a child.  But the only thing DH and boss talk about it is the money aspect of it. 

I know a lot of you have been going through worse issues this month, so I'm sorry if this seems like a really selfish post right now.  I just really needed to get all this out and have nowhere else to go to do that. Thanks for listening (reading).

Banana44

I'm sorry you are having a bad day.  I know where you are coming from, and sometimes you just need to vent.

My DH and I also decided we would not pursue IVF - and we were on the fence about IUI.  However, neither will be necessary which is good and bad - so I get why you are nervous about the RE.

I have recently come to terms with only having my DD - but then again sometimes it just breaks my heart for her.  My DH has a son (my SS) and our DD, so I don't think it is as hard for him to accept not having another baby.  But - I will keep trying.  I know that I have eggs and that I can get pregnant, and one of these days my body is going to produce a super spectaular egg - my DH's premium sperm is going to fertilize it and I will have a baby brewing for 9 months prior to a scheduled c-section!  It will happen!

And, for the record - I do personally know people who had successful treatments and IUIs - so don't count yourself out.  And your DH might just be afraid to talk about fertility issues - I know my DH seems to not know how to handle me when I get down, but I know he is there for me.

The RE is a good thing - try to stay positive about it!

Mrs.McIrish

First off, don't think you are being selfish for posting that you are feeing this way. We all have those days and that's what this board is for. Having TTTC is very isolating as no one else really understands it unless they have been through it. Most husbands/men aren't as emotionally involved in this process. I don't know if it because they don't deal with the day to day temping, peeing, testing etc. 

As for the RE, it is OK to be scared. Fear of the unknown is normal. You don't know what will happen. Try not to get worked up before it is necessary. Hang in there:-)

gcc16

This TTC journey can be so emotionally exhausting.  I am so sorry that you are finding yourself in this darker place...I was just there this past weekend and if I could have stayed in my pj's and in bed all weekend I would have!    {{hugs}}

DH & I just met with the RE for the first time this past Fri. and I can really relate with the mixed emotions that this first visit can bring..that push & pull of - I want to know, but in some ways I also DON"T want to know  - it's absolutely terrifying to get real concrete, cold hard numbers/diagnosis/facts. And although I was initially relieved that we were moving forward in the process & seeing a RE,  I think I was still really angry/upset that we even had to find ourselves in the first place of going to RE  (that kind of shaking my fist in the air asking why?why?why? kinda stuff).  I'm bracing myself to get the results back from Day 3 bloodwork and DH SA results.DH also talks about being OK if we're not able to conceive, that we'll be OK with our family (even if that's just the 2 of us) the way it is etc....after talking with him about it I realized that this was DH's attempt to try to make ME feel better about the situation and to try to comfort & support me.   He felt terrible that I was feeling all of these emotions and was at a loss of how to make me less sad, angry, depressed etc.and just wanted to make things better. Sorry for this long response about my story, I just wanted to share it to let you know that this beginning stage is hard (not that any other stage ISN'T hard!) and that many others are finding themselves in a similar boat.

And like the pp said, there are plenty of stories of ladies getting positives after IUIs and even after the HSG test (something about the test being an intervention itself, clearing the tubes & making it easier to TTC). I'm holding onto every story like it's a lifeline right now!! 

Wishing you all the best on Thurs. & in this TTC journey!  Good Luck!!!!

Mrs.McIrish

gcc16:

This TTC journey can be so emotionally exhausting.  I am so sorry that you are finding yourself in this darker place...I was just there this past weekend and if I could have stayed in my pj's and in bed all weekend I would have!    {{hugs}}

DH & I just met with the RE for the first time this past Fri. and I can really relate with the mixed emotions that this first visit can bring..that push & pull of - I want to know, but in some ways I also DON"T want to know  - it's absolutely terrifying to get real concrete, cold hard numbers/diagnosis/facts. And although I was initially relieved that we were moving forward in the process & seeing a RE,  I think I was still really angry/upset that we even had to find ourselves in the first place of going to RE  (that kind of shaking my fist in the air asking why?why?why? kinda stuff).  I'm bracing myself to get the results back from Day 3 bloodwork and DH SA results.DH also talks about being OK if we're not able to conceive, that we'll be OK with our family (even if that's just the 2 of us) the way it is etc....after talking with him about it I realized that this was DH's attempt to try to make ME feel better about the situation and to try to comfort & support me.   He felt terrible that I was feeling all of these emotions and was at a loss of how to make me less sad, angry, depressed etc.and just wanted to make things better. Sorry for this long response about my story, I just wanted to share it to let you know that this beginning stage is hard (not that any other stage ISN'T hard!) and that many others are finding themselves in a similar boat.

And like the pp said, there are plenty of stories of ladies getting positives after IUIs and even after the HSG test (something about the test being an intervention itself, clearing the tubes & making it easier to TTC). I'm holding onto every story like it's a lifeline right now!! 

Wishing you all the best on Thurs. & in this TTC journey!  Good Luck!!!!

I could have written this line!! DH was totally trying to downplay my FSH because he didn't want me to feel like it was my fault etc and that it was OK if we just had puppies and kittens. Men don't know what to do with us most of the time!!

lhcooper

McIrish and gcc16 are right on.  My DH tried over Thanksgiving to comfort me in this Zen-like way by saying "if it's just us it will be enough" -- a really dumb move on the day AF arrived and I was overflowing with hormones.  He is (and I think most men are) totally invested, but it's not their bodies and they simply feel helpless in the face of our sorrow and frustration. So they say dumb things.  And are also afraid of showing how upset they are for fear that it will only make it worse for us.

Lately I have just been getting so ANGRY about the costs of IUIs and especially IVF.  It seems so incredibly unfair that it comes down to where you live -- if you're in one of the 15 states with mandated fertility coverage, you can have the "luxury" (if that's what it is) of trying a zillion different treatments (well, depending on your plan).  And if not, too bad for you if you simply have an average income and want to have a child.  

I absolutely understand how you feel and your post is not selfish -- it is what this board is for.   Hang in there.

aurora1974

Thanks everyone for your kind words.  I really appreciate how supportive all the ladies are on this board.  I know it's hard for DH to know what to do with me when I get like this.  He is really supportive, but anytime I try and talk to him about possible treatments all he says to me is he is scared of having "a baseball team" so I'm hoping that the RE will be able to put his fears of that to rest.  Maybe then he can be more on board for what we may need to do. We'll see what happens then.

Thanks again ladies.

 

boymamaco

Sorry I'm late to the thread here, but I wanted to add that you could call the billing office ahead of time at your REs. Mine went over the IUI pricing with me on the phone. Although she completely confused me (and I then asked for the price list to be emailed to me.) And, although you are seeing a RE at one place you could always call around to see what other "going rates" for IUI are.

So sorry that you are feeling down! I know my DH has a hard time understanding where I'm at a lot of the time. Hugs to you!

amandaleigh1

I just wanted to post some words of encouragement for you-- a lot of us are, unfortunately, in this boat of having to go see the RE-- but I think that we should look at the bright side of things in that we are being proactive about doing something to help, if there is anything to do. Of course this does bring up the possibility that we may find out certain things about ourselves that are unpleasant-- but knowing what is going on is better than not knowing, in my opinion. I am still waiting for my F/U appt with my RE, and the suspense is kind of driving me crazy. I am waiting for there to be a plan. When I get a plan, I will then have something to focus on this scared nervous energy on... On the topic of IVF, etc... I don't have the cash on hand to do this either, though I am beginning to get okay with the idea that if I were to need IVF, and if I would qualify for a shared risk program, that I would consider going into debt for it. So, my attitude on that matter has changed substantially over the last couple of weeks (and ever since I went to the RE in the first place).