guilt and what could have been done differently

MegMeg0913

It has been sneaking up on me for a while, but today was the day that it all seemed to come together.  I am saddened that my second loss was not like my first.  My first was a natural miscarriage, but my second was an ectopic.  

I know that there is no way that the baby would have survived and the longer the pregnancy lasted the more likely that I could have died, but I feel like I failed.  I didn't fight the Doctors.  I didn't beg for other options.  I just lied there.  I let them take it.  I let them take away something that was still alive, still ok (for how long who knows), something that had taken my heart in such a short time.  I hate that I feel like I failed my family.  I feel like I aborted my child.  My head knows there was no other option, but my heart feels very differently.  

I felt like I was healing physically and emotionally.  I thought it was getting so much better, but now I just feel guilty and I don't know if this even makes sense.  It seems such an absurd way to think and fell, but I can't shake the feeling that I have done something wrong.  

SheLovesMrHip

You are very strong and need to see that! Your health comes first and you knew that. An ectopic is such a health risk if not caught early enough, my MIL had one and it ruptured sending her to surgery with a bloodpressure of 52/ 40. She was almost dead!! You knew what had to be done sweetheart, you are a strong strong person! Big Hugs to you!!!

MegMeg0913

Thank you so much honey.  I was an emergency surgery too and I know it couldn't have been helped.  I think I have gone through the stage of being mad at everything else that now it is my turn.  

gr8supriz

From my perspective, I can't imagine you'd feel anything different.  My story is very similar.   Almost identical.  I feel selfish for choosing me right now and struggle with guilt.  I cry and feel as though I made the wrong choice.  Whatever the explaination may be- hormones/fatigue/emptiness/loss/all the above, you're post makes sense to me.  It's not absurd.  Where does one go from here to initiate the healing process?  Why does EVERYTHING seem to scream reminders of my shattered dreams?  Everything about me hurts. I'm researching grief counseling because I fully realize- my cup runneth over...

Gl

taurus424

my mind says the guilt is normal...i feelt guilt...what did i do that my baby didnt have a brain formed...what did i do that my baby had so many heart defects and died...wasnt there something i could have done....and the answer is no. If love and want and promises for a wonderful life formed and maintained healthy babies then this entire bump board would be empty.

reality is that it sucks so bad..but in your situation ectopics are deadly for moms, and there is no way that a baby forms to be delivered in a tube...dont beat yourself up over saying you didnt ask the doc for other options. Your doc presented you with all the options and that was surgery to remove the baby and save your life. that was your only option. i know that as a mom we would move mountains and jump in front of a bus for our babies but truely you didnt have options in this situation.

you didnt do anything wrong. you WILL get your take home baby we all will.

hugs

FmrAFBrat

((HUGS)) I had an ectopic as well, however it's been a very long journey.  I had both the shot (FAIL) & surgery to remove my tube (& baby) so I understand the survivors guilt you feel.  There are days I am fine then there are other days I feel so terrible about "killing" my baby.  I know there wasn't another option, but it saddens me everyday.