Can I get some advice from those who have miscarried?

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My SIL (DH's sister) had a miscarriage.  She went for an u/s on Monday and they couldn't find a heartbeat.  Obviously, she's heartbroken.  I love his sister and really want to call her, but I imagine the last thing she wants to do is talk about it any more than she already has.  I want to show her some sign of support and that I'm thinking of her.  They live over an hour away, so dropping flowers or dinner off really isn't really an option.  Plus, I want to give her some space.

Just looking to see what helped or what you appreciated when you were going through this.  Thanks for any input!

mandapie

We were so early on that not too many people even knew that we were pregnant. The people that did know were really supportive though. Some of the guys that my DH worked with sent over some flowers and a card (I actually went to work the night I had my appt. where they found no hb, they were like "what do you mean she went to work?" but I had to get out of the house and get my mind on other things).

Maybe just call and tell her you are sorry and that you don't want to be pushy but you're always there to talk. One of my neighbors gave us a gift certificate to go out to dinner. (Then she came back to say "OMG I didn't mean it as a celebration but to get us out and so we didn't have to cook") Can someone watch your LO(s) so you can go there one afternoon and have some time with her to sit and talk things out? It was wierd though some people I could talk about it with in circles and then some people I was all logical and matter-of-fact about it with. Just feel her out... so sorry for her loss though.

goillini823

This is JMO, as we all grieve differently, but I would pick the phone up, and let her know you are thinking of them. Is there a restaurant you buy a gift card for, and have it mailed? Even if she doesn't answer her phone just leave a message an let her know you are there for her. I think people were afraid of calling me, and even though it was painful to talk about, it was more painful to feel like my family or friends didn't care when the failed to mention anything. Also, send a text or email ever few days or week and just let her know you are still thinking of her.

tabi_ja

When my best friend (who may as well be my sister) miscarried, I sent her a text that said "Thinking of you.  Love you.  Call if you need me."  She called five minutes later and we talked for hours.  But, she said she appreciated that I gave her the out, in case she hadn't wanted to talk about it.

Two days later, I bought her a charm bracelet in memory of the daughter she lost.  She still wears it around her due date and the time of the loss each year.  It's been about 5 years, and she still calls me to talk about it from time to time.  I'd say, just let her know that you're there, and then let her make the next move.

hisaak

Call just to let her know you are thinking of her. If she is anything like I was, she won't answer if she isn't up for a conversation, but will still really appreciate the call.

Honestly, the best thing you can do is to acknowledge the loss, and allow her the time and space to grieve however she needs to.  Some people will not want to talk about it, others will need to vent ... some will be "over it" in a week, others will never be ... just be there for her.

Sounds like you are on the right track though.

jinnymb

When I had my miscarriage it made me feel better when people called and acknowledged the loss.  You could send her flowers too.  I think the hardest part is that you are grieving a loss that no one else lost if that makes sense, so you feel so alone. 

It's important to acknowledge her grief then let her guide you from there how she handles it, to give her space which I understand your intentions, but may make her think you don't think it's a big enough deal to talk about.  If she doesn't answer or opts to not talk about then take that approach but I would call first.

MrsC17

Everyone deals with things differently.  Personally, for me, I am a "loner"--I didn't really want to talk about it with anyone at first, and just wanted to dive back into my life (working hard, and going out with friends, etc).  After a little while I felt more comfortable talking about it, but I would have felt uncomfortable getting any kind of flowers or gifts or condolences (that is just the way I am).  I'm guessing you know your SIL pretty well...so if she's a very open person maybe she'd appreciate the flowers and calls, but if she's generally very private like me, she may appreciate space until she's ready to talk.  I like the idea one of the OP's said about texting to let her know you're there if you need her.  GL!!

mel72

goillini823:

This is JMO, as we all grieve differently, but I would pick the phone up, and let her know you are thinking of them. Is there a restaurant you buy a gift card for, and have it mailed? Even if she doesn't answer her phone just leave a message an let her know you are there for her. I think people were afraid of calling me, and even though it was painful to talk about, it was more painful to feel like my family or friends didn't care when the failed to mention anything. Also, send a text or email ever few days or week and just let her know you are still thinking of her.

This exactly.  One of the hardest things was when people stopped asking how you were doing.  The pain stays w/ you forever.  You are a great person for being so caring and I'm sorry for her loss : (

almostjennifer

Just make sure you do something.  My sister in law didn't acknowledge our miscarriage at all and I'm still a little hurt over it.  A nice card would suffice.  They make miscarriage cards -- look online.

eaglesfan700

I have no advice for you, I just wanted to say I am really sorry to hear this. 

Mrs.Hizzo

I've been through it twice. I really didn't want to talk about it to anyone, except to my sisters.