the thing I HATE to hear

jk817

I miscarried when I was just shy of 7 weeks along on Christmas Day.  I recognize this is an early miscarriage, but I have come to HATE one of the things people say to be "comforting."

I have had multiple people say to me, "Most women may not have even known they were pregnant."  UGG.  Seriously?  That is not helpful.  Not only does this minimize my pain, it makes it seem as though I am overly concerned with my body and making a bigger deal out of losing the pregnancy then need be.  I had a woman who was a NURSE say this to me.  Really?  

I understand that maybe some women wouldn't have known they were pregnant, but I do not think that is the norm.  Also, the cramps and the tissue passed during this miscarriage were way different than any period.  

Thanks for letting me vent.  I know it has been talked about on here before... but do you guys have any "comfort phrases" that are driving you crazy? 

MrsMitty08

I am so sorry for your loss.

I have had a lot of people say the same thing to me.  People have phrased it by saying that most people "way back" wouldn't have even known they were pregnant or whatever...well...it's not like I didn't have symptoms or a baby growing inside me.  And I agree, it's not comforting that "some" people don't know at 7 or 8 weeks that they are pregnant and that they just get a 'heavy" period and life goes on.  Whatever.  I don't buy it either.  Not comforting...just annoying, frustrating and insensitive.  <sorry I piggy-backed on your vent!>

Other than that I've had mostly standard responses from people and it's been over a month so it doesn't come up any more in conversation.  Here's another that I can recall:

"You're still young" (I'm 30 so, yeah)

 

tonesq

I think generally people don't know what to say and they say the wrong things.  I am trying to remember that they are trying to make me/us feel better, but sometimes I wish people would keep their mouths shut. 

I told one of the nurses at my OB's office to make sure no one told me how sorry they were again.  Once someone has said it once, I don't need to keep hearing it over and over. 

I hope things get better with you. 

lglf4

I especially hate this because it also really minimizes the struggle that many of us have ttc.  For those of us in that boat, we count every day, and often start testing a few days before af.  We KNOW we're pregnant almost as soon as it's possible to know.  For the lucky ones that just have a late period one month and.....wow, preggers....sorry, I can't relate to those gals.  When you've been waiting for this to happen for months, or even years, and then it happens, only to end...it sucks.  No, the, "most women don't even know they're pregnant that early," comments don't help.  I also hate when all the moms cheerily say, "oh, don't worry, you can try again!"  Really?!?!  Gee, thanks for that non-helpful comment.  I know we can try again, and that process is stressful and miserable...with no guarantees.  Thanks for the vent--I can relate!! 

JThomas221

lglf4:

I especially hate this because it also really minimizes the struggle that many of us have ttc.  For those of us in that boat, we count every day, and often start testing a few days before af.  We KNOW we're pregnant almost as soon as it's possible to know.  For the lucky ones that just have a late period one month and.....wow, preggers....sorry, I can't relate to those gals.  When you've been waiting for this to happen for months, or even years, and then it happens, only to end...it sucks.  No, the, "most women don't even know they're pregnant that early," comments don't help.  I also hate when all the moms cheerily say, "oh, don't worry, you can try again!"  Really?!?!  Gee, thanks for that non-helpful comment.  I know we can try again, and that process is stressful and miserable...with no guarantees.  Thanks for the vent--I can relate!! 

Thank you! I feel like this too. Many of the women in my family have had zero problems TTC. I was a surprise. My sister and my niece and nephew were all conceived on the first try. DH and I only tried for six months, which I know is way less time than many women on here TTC. Still, those six months felt like a LONG time when we were waiting and hoping that we would get lucky and get a BFP. I got my BFP at 3w6d and my baby died at 7w3d, which is when all these women are supposedly 'just' finding out? I agree with you, OP. This comment is not at all comforting. I'm sorry you're hearing it so often, and I'm very sorry for your loss.

SheLovesMrHip

I am there with all of you!!! The day I found out we would MC the ultrasound tech was actually snickering when she was handed my chart, she couldnt understand what the doctor was trying to see. She even told me not to get excited because I wouldnt see anything this early......I must have told her 3 flippin times that I was here becasue my levels were not changing. It doenst matter to me, a BFP and knowing no matter how far along you are is still a BFP!!! My DH has actually been sucked into this mode of thinking by saying we may not have ever known, which upsets me to no end!! Big hugs to all of us, no matter what our situations, we are all linked and it stinks the same for everyone!!!

futuremrsofficer

My favorite is:

Well I know someone who did IVF and it didn't work and then they got pregnant on their own...

Oh really? because somehow my triplets being born at 20 weeks is going to fix my husbands sperm count?

 

tiffany119

lglf4:

I especially hate this because it also really minimizes the struggle that many of us have ttc.  For those of us in that boat, we count every day, and often start testing a few days before af.  We KNOW we're pregnant almost as soon as it's possible to know.  For the lucky ones that just have a late period one month and.....wow, preggers....sorry, I can't relate to those gals.  When you've been waiting for this to happen for months, or even years, and then it happens, only to end...it sucks.  No, the, "most women don't even know they're pregnant that early," comments don't help.  I also hate when all the moms cheerily say, "oh, don't worry, you can try again!"  Really?!?!  Gee, thanks for that non-helpful comment.  I know we can try again, and that process is stressful and miserable...with no guarantees.  Thanks for the vent--I can relate!! 

 

 This. No, some women may not have known, BUT I DID! And that doesn't make my baby any less of a baby, just because he or she was only a few weeks old. This was our first pregnancy and it was a surprise to us, but we were overjoyed. I, too, was just shy of 7 weeks when we found out. That was still my child, no matter what 'you would-be-comforter' might think. I know people have good intentions, but can't they just think before opening their mouths?!

ligeia18

I've gotten this a few times, as well as "So it's like you weren't even pregnant!"

Well, 6 positive pregnancy tests, a positive test from my doctor, and an agonizing miscarriage in the ER tells me that I was. If I'd ever had a period that heavy, then I would certainly remember. 

I am also sick of "You know it's really common, right?" Great. So now I feel like my experience isn't significant because it's "really common," and I'm freaked out about trying again because, again, "common."

However, I have to say the worst is the avoiding. Colleagues who knew and and now know that I am no longer pregnant avoid me like I'm contagious. They have no idea what to say, but they don't even treat me like nothing's happened.

 My most positive experiences have been with people who have simply said "I'm so sorry you're going through this. Let me know if I can help." How hard is that??

tiffany119

ligeia18:

I've gotten this a few times, as well as "So it's like you weren't even pregnant!"

Well, 6 positive pregnancy tests, a positive test from my doctor, and an agonizing miscarriage in the ER tells me that I was. If I'd ever had a period that heavy, then I would certainly remember. 

I am also sick of "You know it's really common, right?" Great. So now I feel like my experience isn't significant because it's "really common," and I'm freaked out about trying again because, again, "common."

However, I have to say the worst is the avoiding. Colleagues who knew and and now know that I am no longer pregnant avoid me like I'm contagious. They have no idea what to say, but they don't even treat me like nothing's happened.

 My most positive experiences have been with people who have simply said "I'm so sorry you're going through this. Let me know if I can help." How hard is that??

 

I'm sorry, but if anyone ever says that to me, they might have my palm-print across their face. Why would anyone be so inconsiderate?!

spacedolphin11

Wow, reading this post & comments, I'm amazed at the horrible things people say! I guess they don't know *what* to say, but a whole lot of silence would be better than this. (And also, I'd like to argue that with modern medicine the way it is, missing ONE period is enough to know, especially with birth control/sensitive pregnancy tests/the idea that prenatal care has to start immediately/etc...)

The worst thing I've heard is, "I'm sorry for the loss of your embryo." Yes, I was 8 weeks so technically it was an embryo, but really? You have to specify? To me, it was a baby. Please respect that. (And if you say it again, I may hit you.)

jk817

ligeia18:

I've gotten this a few times, as well as "So it's like you weren't even pregnant!"

Well, 6 positive pregnancy tests, a positive test from my doctor, and an agonizing miscarriage in the ER tells me that I was. If I'd ever had a period that heavy, then I would certainly remember. 

I am also sick of "You know it's really common, right?" Great. So now I feel like my experience isn't significant because it's "really common," and I'm freaked out about trying again because, again, "common."

However, I have to say the worst is the avoiding. Colleagues who knew and and now know that I am no longer pregnant avoid me like I'm contagious. They have no idea what to say, but they don't even treat me like nothing's happened.

 My most positive experiences have been with people who have simply said "I'm so sorry you're going through this. Let me know if I can help." How hard is that??

Yes, I have a few colleagues who have avoided me as well.  It makes me feel like there is something wrong with me... I think you said it well that they don't know what to say yet they don't act like nothing's happened.  That is the worst.  I agree, a simple apology is the best way people can respond to this tragic loss.