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Success after IF
anyone else? the one that got away
This is an AE of a SAIF regular. Sorry for not coming out, but I feel like I need to be anonymous. I don't know why I'm posting this. I guess I just need to get it out and in a perfect world find out that I'm not alone. I might DD later.
I am happy in my marriage. I love my husband and I am thrilled to have my child, but I have never stopped thinking about "the one that got away" even 15 years after the relationship ended. I think my greatest regret in life will be that he and I never gave it a real shot. I can picture myself on my deathbed at 80, wishing I would have explored that relationship more.
We met in high school, which is so pathetic. We were each other's first loves. I had no idea why he broke up with me until years later when he confessed that he was feeling like we would wind up together forever, and it scared him to meet his wife in high school without doing some exploration first. We've talked on and off for the past 15 years, but I moved away for college and never went back to my hometown, so we never had the opportunity to give an adult relationship a go. I got married and had a baby but he stayed single and says he doesn't want to "settle" for an imperfect relationship.
When I got married I hoped my feelings for my ex would fade but they didn't. They also didn't fade when I had a baby, even though my husband is the best dad in the world. I don't have any desire to leave my husband. I don't want to cheat on him or have a fling with my ex. It isn't about sex and it isn't about filling a void in my relationship with my husband. I just never stopped thinking about my ex.
I'm not going to act on anything - that just sounds crazy. But I feel so alone in these feelings, like everyone else married the love of their life and I'm the only one who wishes they could see what would've happened if things turned out differently. I don't even necessarily think the other relationship would've worked, but I just feel like I need to know either way.
Does anyone else understand this?
This discussion has been closed.
Re: anyone else? the one that got away
may I just say that I find AE's from regulars rather insulting?.... like, we're a family unit around here, and share person intimate things about our lady parts, our feelings, our finances, our lives, lol.... and now we got secret ninjas and middle eastern grain nosh flying around, lol.(much love ninja, not you dear....)
that being said....
you're missing something in your marriage that makes you want your X. Your looking for a fairytale. It's called a FAIRYTALE because IT DOES NOT EXIST. Davez is not some dreamy Prince Charming who sweeps me off my feet... he's some arse who is incredibly kind at times, has a GREAT butt, shovels he driveway when asked, and sits there and eats FECKING GLASS over this infertility chit with me. THAT's our fairy tale. lol. I think your feelings are normal. But I also think you should squash them and get back to what matters.
I have to agree with Tracie on this one. If feel that way you are missing something in your life/marriage!
One of my former best friends felt that way. Still kept in contact with her ex (pretty much ex from when she was 18)and she did hide it from her husband. She ended up cheating on her husband with this old flame. Her husband knew something was up because she used to tell her husband she was with me (I had no idea this is mainly why i am no longer friends with her) or another very close friend of ours (she too is no longer speaking to her). It caught up with her after a year of lies! She ruined her marriage and now shares custody of her two children. She is no longer with this old flame because he stayed with his wife and kids.
I think the feeling of the grass is always greener on the other side is normal. I also think if you married your ex, you would be feeling the same way about wondering what else may be out there. I think at a certain age you just have to let go of that stuff and enjoy your life and your family.
Sure at some point I have thought of an ex here or there for a brief moment and then got back to reality and relish how lucky I am to have all that I have!
This, completely. No one's marriage is perfect but you didn't marry your spouse because they were perfect. You married them because even when you're completely angry with them and all you want to do is shake the living crap out of them...you still miss them when they're gone.
in a way, I get it.
even when I was "happily married" I often thought about my ex. 'thought' is the key word here. I've had a few "loves of my life" and E is most definitely one of them. we were young, he was a GORGEOUS musician and we had a very passionate love affair for years. we even lived together. so even though the relationship is long over, it's totally normal to still think and wonder about him. he WAS a huge part of my life and I'm not going to completely dismiss that. thinking is one thing, doing is another.
I think you're struggling with "unfinished business" and you clearly never had closure. as long as these thoughts aren't threatening your marriage and family I think you're ok. BUT you cannot live in the past and focus too much on the 'what ifs.' E will forever make my heart go pitter patter and so will a handful of other guys but... that doesn't mean I want to be with them. does this make sense?
2 infertiles' journey to 2 pink lines (and a baby girl)
"our IF story"
This pretty much completely!
This may sound completely callous, but why on earth would you fantasize for 15 YEARS about a man who dumped you?
I don't get it. He thought there were bigger fish out there...that would tell me that he didn't think very much of the fish he had at the time (i.e. YOU).
Love you husband, love your baby...forget about ex-douche bag...he's not good enough for you.
There's a reason your ex is your ex and not your husband. No matter if it was "not meant to be right at that moment" or if there was something bigger. Now, you're in a marriage, have been for a long while, gone through life's really beat-up challenges together and come out the other side - things aren't as sexy, they're not as spontaneous, they're not as "sweep you off your feet" and so you go back to this fantasy of memorialization of this former relationship and clinging to this fantasy and wanting more spice in your life.
I think our society serves women a really unrealistic story of how life is supposed to go with love, marriage, courtship, etc. Marriage is HARD! The lovies wear off and on throughout the years. Very few marriages maintain the PASSION and EXCITMENT and NEW-NESS they once had. People get busy, life gets hard, we meet challenges, etc. I believe this is a big reason people bolt from marriages - reframe their former spouse as horrible, mean, abusive, neglectful, etc. When, in fact, they're just a person who was in the same, sometimes tiresome relationship, and just....HUMAN! Then, you have a broken family, kids without a sense of commitment, longevity, or solidity in relationships - 2 injured parents in the process and rarely ever REAL TRUE happiness found because the "damage" or "hurt" lies within the person looking for this fantastic LOVE to fill a void inside of them that THEY have to fill themselves.
Good luck. This is not easy to negotiate but believe me, no matter HOW FREAKIN GREAT your ex was - your feelings currently have ZERO to do with him. Its just a focus your brain is using to deflect from real work you need to do within your own soul/head/heart.
HUGS!
I agree with every single thing you said.
I agree with every single thing you said.
I agree with this.
I have an ex that was much more my "soul mate" than my DH.
Do I think about him sometimes? Sure.
But when I do it's usually because DH and I are disconnected for some reason (work, school, kids, rut, you name it).
When I find myself day dreaming about my past with him or about what he's doing now and what it would be like to be with him I try to stop myself and redouble my efforts on my marriage.
I've got a good guy.
A GREAT guy.
We've weathered all kinds of stuff that a lot of men probably wouldn't have made it thru with me.
Plan a date night, go out to dinner, add some liquid courage and tell him you miss the romance in your marriage and you want to work on it.
Tell him exactly what you need. Boys can be stupid about simple things like "I need you to hug me when you get home from work." or my favorite "I need you to kiss me some time when you're NOT looking for sex" or "I need to hear that you still find me attractive or interesting". Spell it out for him.
Get something sexy to wear for valentines day.
Plan some date nights or special dinners at home.
Leave him notes on the mirror in wipe off marker telling him you appreciate him.
BE the spouse that you want your DH to be and it's likely that he'll follow suit.
If you take that energy and re-direct it towards your marriage you may find yourself thinking less about what might have been and more about what IS good in your life.
GL!
Total score: 6 pregnancies, 5 losses, 2 amazing blessings that I'm thankful for every single day.
I understand this, but at the same time think that the grass is always greener. DH and I don't have a fairytale marriage by any means but he is a great man and father. The crap that I put that man through, he is a saint. I sometimes think what if...but that's about it.
Baba, I get it.
I was engaged before I met DH. I loved with the passion of a thousand suns, and he me. He was from England, it was a whilrwind romance that moved far too quickly. I was young, but got I loved him. He had gone back to England for a bit before permanently making the move out here, and I guess he realized the enormity of everything we were about to commit to after such a short time, and we talked, and he ended it, and it was on good terms. It killed me, but I knew deep down we moved too fast. I never spoke to him again. I still have so much of his things when he lived with me. All his pictures, clothes. I can still smell him.
I met DH two weeks later. We have been together ever since, almost 10 years. I love DH and am happy with him and the life we have made, but they are definitely two different men.
I think of my ex every so often, and you never really truly stop loving someone. 10 years later, I still feel a pull on my heart every now and then, and I don't feel like I ever got the closure I needed. I know he is out there, I have seen his facebook page. I want to email him so I can send his stuff back to him, but I am afraid it may cause an emotional distraction to my marriage, so I never contacted him.
The important thing to remember is, your feelings are based on who he was back then. People change, times change, and it is so easy to remember that person and project that former version of that person onto all your present thoughts.
What you have in front of you, day in and day out is real. Do I regret not fighting harder to try to see things through with my ex? Sometimes, but then I remember, I would not have the wonderful life I have now with the man I love and the beautiful daughter. That love is real, not my memories.
ITA with all of this. I still think about my ex often, just to wonder how he is and what he's up to. Then I move on...but I also wonder the same things about old friends, etc. I have no interest in ever being with him, and from what I've heard of his life, I'd be miserable if we were still together. We also met very young and I was totally convinced we'd marry someday. Very glad I missed that boat...I have a wonderful life now.