It's been a while... Please help.

asmo0401

I think I just need a little encouragement, or some advice. I feel like I'm going crazy at home lately. My husband has not been the easiest to get along with lately, and my step kids behavior hasn't been much better. I feel terrible for being where I'm at right now and having lost patience... The girls have just been so whiney. I mean complaining about every little thing, refusing to eat, rolling their eyes, crying because they have to go to bed, whining and crying because they can't sleep in our bed. I don't even know what to do right now. I feel like I just need a break, but then my husband gets pissed and is totally disrespectful. I feel like I'm beating my head against a brick wall.

We had the girls over last night. Both whined about supper. 7year old SD actually cried. Then they cried and whined because they had to take a bath bc 'they barely ever have to take baths at mom's' (GROSS). I got pajamas out for 4 year old SD and asked her to put them on and she started BAWLING because she didn't want to do it herself. Earlier in the evening she cried on the toilet becase she didn't want to wipe herself. Then they both cried because they wanted to sleep in bed with us. My husband LOVES to coddle the older two, but if E (our baby) falls down and is legitimately hurt and crying, he tells her to knock it off and get up, but yet he can sit with his 7 (2 months from being 8) year old on his lap because she didn't want to eat her supper. I'm seriously going insane! I don't know what to do, but what I really feel like doing is running away. I love all 3 of our children, but I can't handle the constant whining, crying and disrespect.

antosh2008

It sounds like there is a lot of doing for the kids in the other house. And the hard part is having it admitted by the BM. As for in your house, your DH needs to be the one to step up and straighten it out. And if he's not willing to, you guys need to have a discussion.

 When you are parenting skids, you have to be on a completely united front. If not, those girls will tear you apart. 

Find a way to become united.

J&A2008

I'm wondering if the "tough" approach to DS is because he's a boy and the coddling is because they're girls?

I know it's tough to be the NCP.  I saw BM go through similar ordeals.  Partly I think it's just to test the NCP to see how much they can get away with.  I know the boys refused to eat for her.  She claimed all they must eat at our house was chips, because that's all youngest SS would ask for or eat.  BM claimed also that they must not use soap at our house because they cried that her soap hurt them (they were 3 and 6).  It seems like they pushed her to the max, on every little thing.  Oldest SS also got her to wipe his butt for him!  That one kind of made me laugh, since it was obvious they were walking all over her.

I think first you need to resolve your DH/DS issues by talking them out.  It could be a difference because they're girls, it could be a difference because he doesn't see DDs all the time.  Either way, you've both got to listen to each other.  You can imagine if you didn't see DS all the time that you'd be a little indulgent, too.  DH should understand that you think all the kids should be treated the same way.

Secondly, I think you and DH need to set a firm game plan for how to handle the issues your SD's are pushing: meals, bedtime, bath, and how to handle them.   Agree what your standards are, and make a routine and stick to it.  For example, they don't have to clean their plates, but they do have to take 3 bites of each part of the meal, and only healthy snacks between meals.  Make bathtime a nightly thing so they get used to it.  Buy some bath toys?  Girly soap?  Don't make it a long ordeal - 5 min. to scrub up and get out, unless they want to stay longer.  Have a routine for bedtime, too.

Also, spend some time establishing the routine, but every once in a while, give everyone a break.  Have a family movie night and camp out on the floor all together.  You can put them in their own beds once they're asleep.  It sounds like they really want some time to be close with DH, which is really sweet!  Enjoy these years while they last.  You should appreciate for a while that they do want to enjoy being kids and be held and cuddled.  I'm sure you'll look back on this time and think they grew up too fast.

Littlejen22

antosh2008:

It sounds like there is a lot of doing for the kids in the other house. And the hard part is having it admitted by the BM. As for in your house, your DH needs to be the one to step up and straighten it out. And if he's not willing to, you guys need to have a discussion.

 When you are parenting skids, you have to be on a completely united front. If not, those girls will tear you apart. 

Find a way to become united.

Huh?  Where did it say a lot was going on at BM's house besides the kids CLAIMING that they do not take baths often...they might be lying or it might be every other day which is not a horrible thing.

And J&A, she said "she" about the baby so I assumed it was a girl also but I might be wrong.

As for the issues, part of them are your expectations and some of your DH being an ass.  I would talk to DH about how he treats the oldest 2 different and that you understand that not living with the every day brings guilt and that it is normal to try to make up for it but it is not fair to any of the kids.  Point out when he is unfair to the baby and when you are in private point out when you think he goes to extremes with the oldest 2.  They will act this way b/c they can!  But, 4yos will do this type of thing, my DS is 4 and he does not always dress himself or pick out his own clothes, he is capable but at 4 he is still a little kid that wants/needs a parent to help him to show him that he is important and they are there for him.  More often then not I will help him dress at night, and I do not coddle him in most ways and he is way more capable of these types of things than all of my friend's kids at the same age - meaning he can physically do more things like dress himself at a younger age, gets his own water or snack, etc.

Ilumine

So stop doing things for them.  If your DH cannot get on a parenting plan with you, complains about how YOU do things for his girls and is basically being an ass, give him full reign....with the understanding that the bed is YOUR bed and if he wants to sleep with them, he will have to do so somewhere else.

I would bet that after a few weeks of having to actually PARENT THEM (it gets old having to do it all by yourself really fast), he will come to you for your help.  At that point only offer to do it, if its YOUR way.

And I DO want you to tell him that you are going to do this.  Do it the weekend before your next visitation though, so it is not tied to a specific incident.

I did this with DH and SS one week. 

katecham

 My DH would let SD eat chicken and french fries every day if he could (ad he did before I came along) because she likes them and will eat it without complaining. I am not going to make her a separate meal every night. This summer I had her help decide what meal we would make for dinner from a list of meals I know how to make and then she would help. She's only 6, but she LOVED helping make the food. It really did help with her eating new foods.

With showers/baths we got her some toys, let her pick out shampoo/body wash she liked, and also put a shower radio in there. For the days she really doesn't want to do it we have a timer and see how "fast" she can take a shower (we check her hair to make sure it got washed).

I do think that you and DH need to discuss his "guilty dad" issues. All of the girls, baby included, need to have the same rules and expectations. If it doesn't change soon it never will.