Feeling guilty.......

Kdonn15

I'm new to this board but have been lurking the last couple of months.  A bit about me.....I had my DD via emergency c-section due to fetal heart rate dropping (short umbilical cord and she got stuck in the birth canal).  Prior to her heart rate dropping my labor progressed very quickly and I actually pushed a few times before her heart rate dropped to 79! Very scary and the drs. thankfully were quick to decide to due the c-section and had her out in four minutes.  Unfortunately for me, my epidural had not kicked in yet when they started my c-section and I ended up having general anesthesia and my husband was left waiting in the hallway with no clue as to how either of us were doing.

I want to stop right here and say, that I am beyond thrilled the on call drs. decided on the emergency c-section.....my aunt delivered a still born who also had a short cord, detached the placenta while coming out and suffocated.  I know it was necessary, not in my control and truly life or death for my baby girl. That being said, I had a horrible time coming out of the anesthesia, was devastated my husband missed something he was so looking forward to (that we also missed experiencing this together) and I didn't get to see my baby for the first few hours of her life. The last one there really bugged me since a lot of my extended family came to the hospital and saw her (although no one but dh got to hold her) and knew she was a girl before I did (we were team green). Also, I had a tough time the first few days at home replaying my experience and being sad about it.

Now that #2 is on the way I'm considering and most definitely leaning towards a VBAC.  My dr. considers me a "viable candidate" since I went into labor naturally and everything happened so quickly and another dr. in the practice whom I saw at my last appointment actually encouraged me to consider VBAC and considered me an excellent candidate.  Funny, when she walked into the room she was surprised my regular OB okayed the VBAC since he is normally one to go straight to RCS regardless.  Anyway, I feel guilty for wanting such a different delivery this time than I did with my daughter.  Like years down the road I don't want my daughter thinking my experience with her was "bad" and that's why I wanted something so different for her brother/sister. I'm also getting a lot of shocked responses from people when I tell them I'm going to try to VBAC after they ask me whether I'll do a RCS.

Finally, is it common for drs. to not induce patients who want to VBAC because of the strain Pitocin can put on the uterus? And, is it normal practice for them to want the patient to get an epidural upon arriving to the hospital (assuming their not at the end of labor) in case a c-section is necessary? I don't need to be a "hero" and have an unmedicated birth but I'm nervous I'll have a bad reaction to the epidural like I did with the anesthesia.

Thank you so much if you made it this far, I'm sorry this is so long, just needed to get this all off my chest!

papagena

Don't feel guilty for wanting something different for this birth.  You want something that is better for you and your new baby - it sounds like you really want to be able to be with this LO sooner than you were with your DD.  Nothing selfish or guilt inspiring about that. I have, I will admit, had some guilt feelings about this VBAC being so important to me, but have come to the conclusion that it is important to me because I want something better for this LO's first days - I want to be with them right away as opposed to separated, I want to avoid problems we had starting BFing that I had with DS because of that separation, and I want a mommy who isn't depressed about a birth experience she felt uninvolved in.  These things are for me, this little one, and ultimately, our entire family.

I wouldn't worry about your daughter's feelings on you wanting something different.  The way I figure it, is I will only be telling age appropriate stuff to my DS about his birth - I'm not going to share with him my disappointment about a c/s unless he really for some reason asks for a detailed story.  I will tell him how excited I was to meet him and the other fabulous parts about meeting him for the first time.  If he really gets to the point where he understands the differences (and I do VBAC) it will just be because I didn't need surgery for this birth - why have surgery when you don't need to?  I have a feeling for DS most of the emotional issues will never come up - I'd imagine while they may some day with your DD, it will be at a point where she is old enough to understand, and not make her feel bad. I don't blame or really associate my negative feelings on the experience with DS - he has given me more strength and love than anything else in my life, and when I look at him, that is what comes to mind - not my c/s.

Ignore the idiots who share their unwanted 2 cents about the VBAC.  I generally don't share unless I need to (my mom), I know I can completely write off any less than supportive words or I know that the person will be supportive or keep their mouth shut.  My mom was nervous about it, and fortunately, all it took was really sharing the statistical additional risks of the VBAC vs. any other vaginal birth and she hasn't mentioned anything since.  I have had one friend who wasn't quite as supportive as I'd hoped, but, well, I vent on here and move on.

 It is fairly common for OB's not to want to induce with Pit for VBAC's.  There is a slightly higher risk of uterine rupture (although, if managed correctly, the increased risk is very slight).  If that is something you want available to you as an option, you may very well be able to find a provider willing to use pit during or to start labor (my FP doctor will, as well as the OB who I had to consult with at the hospital I've changed to).  No one (that I am aware of) will generally use prostiglandins in an induction (cervadil, etc) as those have a much more significant increase in risk.  Foley bulb induction is another option that is often approved for VBACs (although your cervix has to be favorable - if you're too dilated, it won't help).

I've heard others talk about the epi being placed beforehand.  I personally wouldn't be thrilled with that.  I've heard that there is a possibility of having it in without having the drugs injected?  I don't know the details on that, but it might be something to talk about with your Dr. since you're concerned about the side effects, or discuss the option of not having it at all.  Really that depends on what is important to you, IMO.  

Good luck with all your decisions and your VBAC.    It's really helped me through the process to talk to others who are in similar situations here - I definitely encourage you to take advantage!

Ladydianna

I had a scheduled csec w/ dd.  I had some very bad kidney issues that started to effect her at 37 weeks.  I truly believe that a csec was the best thing for me and my dd.  This time around I will be trying for a vbac w/ my Ob groups encouragement (same group that delivered dd.)  and I believe that a vbac is the best thing for not only me but also my family.  It will enable me to go home quicker, so I can be with both my girls. 

Like the pp said why have unnecessary surgery?  You had to have surgery the first time, if you don't this time around it will be better for everyone including your daughter.

Kdonn15

Papagena - thank you very much for your response.  I think that the people that don't necessarily support my desire to VBAC are those who weren't as sad about their c-section experience as I was or those who have only experience c-section deliveries.  I don't want to "one up" anyone who only has had a c-section and that's what it feels like I get accused of sometimes. I really think a VBAC would be a better experience for us and a much nicer recovery both emotionally and physically. As for my daughter feeling bad in the future, I don't want her to look at it as I didn't want another c-section and think I was miserable with her delivery.  Truthfully, one of the best things about our experience was that before they brought her into my recovery room dh was the one to tell me we had had a little girl and it was a very emotional moment for both of us.

I know every labor/delivery is different, I just assume that since my labor didn't stall when I got my epi the first time (although I guess it hadn't really kicked in yet) it won't this time.  I like the idea of having it just in case I do need another c-section and I won't have to worry about dh or I missing the birth again in case I need general anesthesia cause it didn't work or it's another emergency and they leave him in the hallway (<-----this makes me sad for him every time I think about what he must have been thinking/feeling).

I am really glad this board is here, and will definitely take advantage of it!

babyike

No need to feel guilty about wanting something different for this birth.  One of local ICAN ladies put it this way:  "We've all had relationships before we met our current SO's.  Is it wrong for us to have taken what we learned from those past partners and experiences and used it to help us look for and find something different in future partners?  No." 

The same goes for childbirth.  Every birth and baby are different, so I think it's perfectly fine to desire and go for a different childbirth experience for each different baby. 

In regards to hospital/provider policies on Pitocin and epidurals... This is going to be dependent on what your birth location requires/does not require and what you and your provider are able to negotiate/agree on.  I used a hospital MW practice in a very VBAC supportive hospital.  So, they only induced with Pitocin if there was no other option (ex: pre-eclampsia, PROM w/ no labor, gestation past 42 weeks, etc).  However they would augment spontaneous labor with Pitocin if/when needed at small doses and increase every 30-60 mins.  In regards to epidurals... I was strongly urged not to get one.  The decision was left up to me.  Needless to say I never got one and was augmented with a small amount of Pitocin and had a successful hospital waterbirth VBAC. 

HTH and GL!

Sazhrah

my doctor highly suggests getting an epidural encase there is an emergency c/s. I refuse, to me if it is an emergency then put me under. I don't need anything that may or may not potentially slow or inhibit my natural labor/experience.

lorryfach

babyike:

No need to feel guilty about wanting something different for this birth.  One of local ICAN ladies put it this way:  "We've all had relationships before we met our current SO's.  Is it wrong for us to have taken what we learned from those past partners and experiences and used it to help us look for and find something different in future partners?  No." 

The same goes for childbirth.  Every birth and baby are different, so I think it's perfectly fine to desire and go for a different childbirth experience for each different baby. 

Very well-stated! Essentially what I wanted to say as well.

Also, you didn't start out choosing a c/s the first time. In both cases, you're choosing to try a vaginal birth, and probably for much the same reasons: better for you and better for baby. Once it turned out it was NOT the better option, plans changed. So really, you're not looking for a "different" birth, so much as looking for the best possible birth. In BOTH cases. You did the best you could the first time and that is what you will do again!