I could use some help/support. It's a little long, but please give me your thoughts.

MayDayGirl

When DH and I started our adoption process almost a year and a half ago, we were going to be given $5000 from his work at finalization. Our agency agreed to let us pay that portion after we got it, so after what we've paid already and minus that $5k, we were only going to owe $4500 at placement.  NICE!

However, since we've been waiting so long we are starting to look into/work with other agencies.  The problem is then the fees are like $20,000bc they don't count what we've paid with our current agency and we no longer get the $5k BC dh's current job ends in 4 months and we can't place and finalize in that time.

So in a very short period of time we went from thinking we will owe $4500 to $20k. 

YIKES.

Part of us feels silly spending it when we can sit and wait (and wait and wait) with our agency for a mom to finally pick us AND place with us (which seems to be our biggest problem) and only spend (now) $9500 BC we have to count that $5k back in since it won't work anymore for us.

Also because we have baby L, our lives feel so much more complete and my need for another baby feels temporarily filled. So I suddenly feel like I could wait for another year for a baby happily.  But Little L won't stay forever and will most likely be gone within 3-4 months (maybe even before). And I worry then the hole will feel even bigger with grieving her AND the baby my arms long for.

We are wondering if we should scrap DA and move onto Ethiopia and spend like $15,000k but have a definite time line, or if we should keep waiting domestically (We can't do both, we haven't found a program who will let us...) and when we move to WI in 4 months start the foster to adopt route. and hope both bring us a baby at some point.

Or just continue on with the new agency but continue to specify we have a budget to stick with.

Ugh, we feel SO lost. very scattered, one minute one idea sounds great, another minute a different idea does.   I don't like feeling this way, I know it's not from the Lord, (God is not a God of confusion but of peace 1 cor 14:33) which makes me think we haven't found the right idea, or we aren't suppose to do anything for the time being different than what we're doing.

Anyway, I just thought I'd see what you guys thought. I feel I just need some guidance.

I would love to say we will spend any amount we can to have a baby, but we've been there and done that the first time.  And there ARE cheaper ways to have a baby than $30,000, so we would prefer those routes.  The more kids we can fit within our funds, the better you know?

Thanks for getting this far.

Mouseygail

Despite the fact that my brother is adopted, I don't know anything about modern adoption practices and options....So I'm just going to offer hugs and tons of wishes that you get that forever baby in your arms ASAP! 

Also,  and again, I don't know anything about modern adoption, but I keep hearing stories about people that basically write letters to 100 people that they know telling them their story and asking if they know of anyone who might be thinking about giving up their baby for adoption....and sometimes someone knows someone else who's grandaughter's best friend is pregnant and looking into adoption...  are these urban legends?  or just not actually practical?  or allowable if you are working with an agency? 

 

brideinOC

Big hugs to your family, this has to be a difficult time for you.  I hate that something so kind and for all of the right reasons has to be so long and difficult.  I fully support the foster to adopt route.  I work closely with our local social services and often have to sit through their hearings in court.  Breaks.My.Heart.Ever.Time.  You and your family seem to have to so much to offer and there are always so many local children.  DH and I are considering this when his two children are older and out of the home. 

That's my two cents. 

dansbride06

I am sorry you are struggling with "next steps".  I don't have any direct advice about adoption because I am not familiar with the process, but I did want to say that I agree that maybe you haven't found the right "idea" yet.  I suggest not rushing into changes until you are settled into your new home.  4 months will go so fast - enjoy baby L while you have her.  Maybe a new place/new options will give you the clarity you need.   Good luck and hugs!

KYRN

I'm am so sorry that you are going through this and wanted to give hugs to you.  Like the others, I don't have any great insight or advice to give b/c I'm not that familiar with adoption.  I have always thought that if I ended up adopting I would go international, that is a very naive thing to say since I am very uneducated on the topic but it's just sort of what I've always thought.

My advice would be to move and get settled before making other decisions, continue to pray about it and the right decision will present itself, whether it's a new choice or a current option on the table.  I will add your family to my prayer list and hope that your baby finds it's way to your arms soon.

chocolatechip06

I sent you a message on FB

itsmevkb

I don't have much advice on which route to pick as I jump from wanting to try foster to adopt, to Ethiopia, to private adoption.  However, I wanted to ask if you've figured out how the adoption tax credit works into the financial picture.  The tax credit is quite substantial (I believe right now it's around $13,000).

bmf8140

If you want to PM me your email address, I can give you the email address of a co-worker of mine who went the foster-adopt route. They are the nicest couple and now have 3 kids (and are trying to get #4 because he is a blood relative of 2 of their kids).

Other than that, I have no advice and just wanted to wish you luck! I know you guys will make the right decision.

MayDayGirl

itsmevkb:

I don't have much advice on which route to pick as I jump from wanting to try foster to adopt, to Ethiopia, to private adoption.  However, I wanted to ask if you've figured out how the adoption tax credit works into the financial picture.  The tax credit is quite substantial (I believe right now it's around $13,000).

I know, but honestly after dh gets his new job, we won't qualify for it anymore

Cassian

I think given your history of failed adoptions, it might not be a bad idea to go overseas. The babies will be older, but you don't have any chance of a BM falling through, and from what I have researched, once placed, you can pretty much count on leaving with that baby. A sure thing may be what you guys need.

LisaandBryan

I know you have been with your agency a long time and have a lot of placemnts fall through so my first thought is to go with Ethipia. If you know you will get chld its just a matter of how long I would go that route... And hten if you want more children you can still go the foster to adopt route when you move. Just my opinion. I know you have a been through a lot and its a really tough decision and I hope everything works out the way ti should. Hang in there...

jds0521

I can just offer t&p that you come to a decision that will fill your heart. Sending lots of hugs your way.

ladychicago

I think what you said about feeling peace about your decision is telling... So maybe you haven't considered the "right" option for you yet, or maybe something is getting in the way of the right decision...be it budget, worries about what might go wrong, logistics....I don't know. But I know when we were meeting with agencies (back before we found an IVF protocol we were comfortable with), we kept coming back to one program over and over again. It just felt right, no matter what else we considered. And so when that program changed it's rules to make us ineligible, we had peace that we needed to step away and think about our other options. So i am not sure I would just up and switch to Ethiopia, unless it has been something in your heart for a while. Other than that, I have no advice - except to just keep thinking through all of your options until something clicks. Good luck! I have so much respect for you, and hope you are able to add to your family soon!

perry7285

i think adopting from ethiopia would be wonderful--then it's more a situation where you're giving a home to a baby that otherwise might not find a home. that's what i would do if i could afford it, FWIW.

i just want to say how much i admire that you've kept your spirits up and persisted throughout many disappointments, and i think it's fantastic that you guys are foster parents. that is such a brave and generous thing to do.

hope you find a decision that you have peace with very soon. 

tapgirl

I have zero answers for you, but just wanted to offer up some support.  I hope you find the best answer for your family soon.

JGirl2005

I have no advice, but sorry you are on this rollercoaster with work ending soon for your DH that kinda forces a decision.

I am thinking of you and I hope you get some guidance from someone who is an expert in this arena. 

I think foster parenting is awesome, but like you said you will be so sad when she leaves.  I am sure B will also be so sad.

emmyloustu

Wishing you guidance and wisdom as you proceed on your journey!

gabbeyh

Hey Rachel,

I was actually talking about you to a friend of mine who did a domestic adoption (very quickly, I might add).  She said that it all comes down to your agency.  She said she would be more than willing to provide information for you.  The agency is around Milwaukee but I know they loved working with them.  They have had their daughter for a couple months now and started to process in the beginning of 2010.  Let me know if you want her contact information.

  

njdcgirl

First, I don't know how I missed that you had a foster placement - congrats and hope that Baby L's stay hopes heal your heart at least a little bit. 

I don't have much advice, but it seems like with a current foster placement, and a move on the horizon, it may make sense to stick with your current situation at least for the next few months.  Maybe you will get more clairty in the meanwhile as to what is right for your family.

((HUGS)) to you - and I'll be thinking about you (and probably stalking you on the Adooption board, b/c I think that is our hope for #2.)

Waiting4baby08

I don't have advice, but I have a friend who is adopting from ethiopia.  Her number is below ten now, so she should be getting her little one any day now.  If you would like her contact information I can get it for you.  She is super sweet and there is a community of people supporting each other with ethiopia adoptions.  Let me know.  Big hugs!

smilelari

I have no advice but wanted to give hugs.  I do have a co-worker that just completed an adoption in Ethiopia (a 3 year old boy).  It's such a personal journey and I hope that you reach a decision that you feel happy with.

MayDayGirl

gabbeyh:

Hey Rachel,

I was actually talking about you to a friend of mine who did a domestic adoption (very quickly, I might add).  She said that it all comes down to your agency.  She said she would be more than willing to provide information for you.  The agency is around Milwaukee but I know they loved working with them.  They have had their daughter for a couple months now and started to process in the beginning of 2010.  Let me know if you want her contact information.

  

Thanks girl, that is really sweet. Unfortunately we wouldn't adopt from WI bc birth moms have 5 weeks to change their minds   With our history we could never chance that.