Who is responsible for throwing the baby shower?

latinxica80@aol.com

I am having a big dilemma trying to accomodate my family for the shower and my husband thinks it's my mother's responsiblity to have a shower for his family too.  Any ideas on who should be throwing the shower and who needs to help??

LawLove08

To be honest, and I don't mean to sound "snarky," but no one is "responsible" for throwing you a shower. ?A shower is a gift, thrown by someone who wants to do that for you. ?If your mother wants to throw you a shower, wonderful. ?It's up to her who gets invited (though obviously you would have input on which friends/co-workers you want to include). ?No one "needs" to help. ?If someone wants to help, or your ILs want to suggest throwing a joint shower with your mom, that's up to them. ?You should stay out of it.

natusik670

LawLove08:

To be honest, and I don't mean to sound "snarky," but no one is "responsible" for throwing you a shower.  A shower is a gift, thrown by someone who wants to do that for you.  If your mother wants to throw you a shower, wonderful.  It's up to her who gets invited (though obviously you would have input on which friends/co-workers you want to include).  No one "needs" to help.  If someone wants to help, or your ILs want to suggest throwing a joint shower with your mom, that's up to them.  You should stay out of it.

 AGREE!

Bakeration

For our DD, my mother-in-law hosted a shower for us in Michigan, my co-workers hosted a surprise one at work in California and my childhood friend hosted one for my side of the family in Nebraska.  Obviously our situation was a little easier since every "group" was in a different state.  No one is responsible for a shower IMO, all volunteered and went to great lengths to make it all happen - I am still so grateful!  If your families live near each other, could your mom's co-host?  Has your MIL even mentioned interest in hosting one?  

chayer227

No one needs to do anything.  No one needs to throw you a shower at all...

Anyone who volunteers to throw one gets to have one in whatever size they can afford/decide to do.   If his family wants to be invited to a shower, someone from his side should step up and throw you one...  it's not your family's responsibility to have anything that large if it's outside of their means to do so.

mbritto4

Whoever volunteers to host it.

If no one steps forward, sorry, you don't get one.  You can't claim its "someone's responsibility" so they'll throw a shower for you.  My MIL graciously hosted one for my DH's family in their state, my aunt threw me one in the state we live in.  I was not "expecting" either to do it they both volunteered and we gladly accepted their offers.

Temp38995750004016

Nobody is responsible. If someone wants to host, they will offer.

In my circle, it's very uncommon for the mother or MIL to host a shower. It's usually hosted by friends of the mommy-to-be.

lulabellalula

my MIL & Mom are hosting a shower together for us. luckily, everybody gets along and i've already told each of them that since they are both "hosting" that they are free to invite whomever they choose to as well

kristennd

No one is required to throw a shower (or to help with one) and anyone who does offer to host one is not required to spend more money/time than they are comfortable with. Which means your DH cannot require your mother to expand things beyond her means to accommodate his family. If it's that important to them, one of that side can step up to host a second shower. And what is it you also seem to be dragged into with your own family? 

asheri

I agree with everyone else who has posted.

There is no baby shower rule that says the maternal grandmother is responsible for baby showers. His mom can throw her own if she is so inclined, or she can work out a deal with your mother to accommodate both sides of  the family.

It shouldn't be a burden or a hassle to cause resentment between the two sides; it should be a joy.

 

MagieG

A very good friend of mine asked if my mom or MIL were throwing one for me and I had no idea. I asked my mom about it and she said that it wasn't proper etiquette for the grandmas to be to do it but my aunt and my friend could do it for us. I have no idea. I'd just love an opportunity to throw a party, eat with family and friends, play silly baby shower games, and oogle over cute baby stuff! They don't have to buy me anything if they don't want as far as I'm concerned. We're hoping that we can find a date where my family on both sides (all out of town) can come in as well as my locals friends. My friend who asked initally is willing to host so my house doesn't have to be party worthy.

My mom explained it as similar to my wedding showers. No MIL or mom of bride hosting but family/friends welcome to. That sort of thing.

Yellow_Daisy

Your DH is completely in the wrong here.  As others have said a shower is a gift, not anyone's responsibility.  Your mother has offered to throw a shower for you and she dictates how many guests, which side of the family, etc. that she can afford to/wants to accommodate.  Neither you or your DH should make her feel obligated to invite DH's family.  If your DH's side of the family wants to throw or attend a shower then they can offer to throw one or not, but they should not expect your family to foot the bill and host a shower just because they don't want to, IMHO that is very rude.

As far as etiquette goes, per Emily Post, it is perfectly fine for your mom or MIL to throw a shower for you.  In some circles it isn't done, but it is acceptable by current standards of etiquette.

SAHM4EVA

So not trying to sound rude or snarky but it is not anyones responsibility to throw you a shower. It is more of a privilage to have one in my opinion. But for DD my mom threw mine only because my SIL could not afford it.  But there really is not set person who should throw you one.

TimingisEverything

No one is responsible. Whoever offers to throw one, throws one. And they are allowed to have their own guidelines. Like if your mom offers she can say she wants to do it for your side of the family only, not your dh's side too.

LaRue86

I agree that no one is responsible, but I do understand the DH family issue. My Bridal Shower was held at my parents home and was a disaster. My mom refuses to be around my DH's family because of it and personally I do not want to combine the families. My parents have a nice home and comments were made about my parents home and how much money they have through my bridal shower by DH's family. It really upset my mom because the comments were really snarky and it was not the place or time to be discussing it. DH's family always has to compare what they do to what my family does or by saying things like "well I cant do as much as your parents do."  I want my parents to be able to purchase for us what they want and not be judged because in DH's family opinion they either spent too much or too little. My mom has said she will have a shower for my side of the family and her friends and my best friend is holding a friends only shower.

DH's family keeps wanting to know when my shower will be and I am not sure how to tell them that if they want to go to one, they will have to throw one. My best friend has said she will throw a second one if need be, but it would be nice for someone on his side to offer. 

a&caug20

I'm latina and in the latin etiquette world, things are quite different. It's not "improper" for the mother or mother-in-law to host the baby shower for you or for you to ask them for help. I've been to showers where the mom-to-be and her sisters planned the whole thing - co-ed of course. Other bumpies have thrown their own showers, with the help of their family and friends and even the hubby. For our culture, this is perfect normal and acceptable.

It isn't however, anyone's responsibility to volunteer. And if no one does, do not feel bad or sad. For us latinas, the normal etiquette rules are a little different. Don't let the pressure of all the etiquette rules hurt your feelings or stop you from having a shower for your little one. Your family/friends will be ok with whatever you want to do.

NicciH

I was taught that MIL and Mom's were not to throw showers- no different from a wedding shower. We were told it was bad etiquette.

I would tell your husband if he is worried about it he can say something to his side of the family, but I don't think you should get involved. There is no "rule" that says everyone gets a shower- people just step up and do it. If no one does it, you just don't have one. If your mom is throwing one then it is up to you if you invite DH's family- but I don't see why you wouldn't. Thats just my opinion!

JNBrickey

Obviously I am going to agree with everyone else here - no one should be throwing you a shower, it's no one's obligation.

That being said, if it's your first baby and you have friends and family capable, do I think it's rude for someone not to throw you one?  Yes.  My aunt and my mom (yes, my mother, gasp! what a breech in etiquette!) are throwing me a shower, but we're not inviting DH's family to it.  There's no way we could fit everyone in one place.  Or that anyone would want to sit and watch me open presents for that long.  If someone in his family wants to throw one, they can.

Yellow_Daisy

LaRue86:

DH's family keeps wanting to know when my shower will be and I am not sure how to tell them that if they want to go to one, they will have to throw one. My best friend has said she will throw a second one if need be, but it would be nice for someone on his side to offer. 

The next time DH's family asks, your DH should suggest that someone in his family throw a shower or there won't be one.  It is not your mother or friends responsibility to throw a shower just so they don't have to and given your past experience I don't blame your mother one bit for saying that she is throwing the shower for your family and her friends only.

Yellow_Daisy

NicciH:

I would tell your husband if he is worried about it he can say something to his side of the family, but I don't think you should get involved. There is no "rule" that says everyone gets a shower- people just step up and do it. If no one does it, you just don't have one. If your mom is throwing one then it is up to you if you invite DH's family- but I don't see why you wouldn't. Thats just my opinion!

This is just not true.  Your mother is the host and giving you a gift.  The host dictates the size of the guest list.  Yes you can supply a list with both families on it, but what if your mom can't afford or doesn't want to throw that big of a shower?  Do you want to make her feel awkward and have to say I can't do that big of a shower?  What you should do is talk to your mother about who and how many people she is comfortable hosting at this shower.  Your mother should not be on the hook to throw a huge shower just because she offered to throw a shower.  Most times hostesses have an idea of how many people they can afford or want to host and it would be rude and presumptuous to assume that she can accommodate both sides of the family and friends without first discussing it with her.