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Miscarriage/Pregnancy Loss
first post/ long/ experience vent, tmi, sorry.
I have to put this somewhere, i can't bring myself to talk to my friends or family yet.
this was my first pregnancy, we weren't trying, but were very excited nonetheless. I went to work yesterday feeling fine. around ten am i started spotting. i was a little concerned as this was a first for me, RIGHT at the 8 week mark.
Around one thirty i noticed the spotting had increased and now was more like the beginnings of AF and i was cramping more severely, i clocked out for lunch and as i walked outside felt something pass. I went into the bathroom and saw tissue/clots and was now bleeding very heavily.
I left and went to the hospital immediately. The nurse told me as i was "passing tissue" my chances of my baby being there were "slim to none, but who knows".
Next nurse comes in and does a cervical exam, still no word on whats going on, she takes some blood and runs some tests.
all thru this i am praying, like please let this be okay.
2 hours later, i am told my levels all look okay and in range, nothing weird there, now i am getting sent to get my ultrasound. i can't stop crying and i know the tech can't tell me anything, which makes it worse, and they wouldn't let DH come in with me, i have never felt more alone and scared in my life.
the tech informs me that she will pass along the report to the doc and it shouldn't be too much longer until i know whats going on.
2 hours later, nurse stops in to tell me the dr (who i had yet to lay eyes on in the 6 hours i had been there) was real busy and she sadly (she was tearing up) had to tell me that they didn't see a sac and as i had thought, i had miscarried. as such they wanted me to follow up with OB to make sure everything was ok, and verify it wasn't a tubal pregnancy since my horomone levels were in perfect range.
The doctor decides at this point, after my 6 hour crying not knowing whats happening awesome day, to stick his head in, and say "you have the hormones, but no fetus. OB will be here shortly to follow up with you" and then leave. Awesome bedside manner right? Nice to meet you too doc.
OB shows up an hour later, proceeds to do another pelvic after explaining this wasn't my fault, and calming me down. She looks and says "well, this is definitely a miscarriage, i am sorry" she removed some tissue and gave me a prescription to come back to get my levels tested in a week. she again reassured me this isn't my fault, and i should not feel guilty.
i don't know how to tell my parents, they were so excited, this was going to be their first grandchild, and my heart is too broken to even speak to anyone. 3 people at my job know the situation, and i am scared i am just going to break down when i go on friday.
i am sorry to be so babbly, i just needed to get this out. DH is trying his hardest to be supportive and bless him for it, but i can't even talk right now.
he had just gotten used to the idea and was super excited too, so i know he is sad also, we just cope so differently i don't know how we will get past this.
None of our other friends have been thru this, at least not openly, so i don't have any real support here. i feel like my body failed me, and as a control freak, i hate that there is no definitive reason WHY this happened.
again, sorry for the rant. just needed to get this out.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: first post/ long/ experience vent, tmi, sorry.
trying to remove the ticker. sorry. i had forgotten i had even included that in my profile. sorry.
god.
I am so deeply sorry for your loss. Not knowing what's happening and holding onto that hope that everything's fine, when your body knows it's not, is the worst feeling in the world. I hear you when you say you feel like your body failed you. Mine would have been my parents' first grandchild as well. I had just told my mom and was going to tell my dad when I began miscarrying.
DH has been a support for me, and my parents as well, although worrying about telling them was almost as bad as the physical pain. Actually telling them wasn't as bad as the worry about it. Can anyone else tell them for you?
Again, I am sorry for your loss, and I hope we can both find solace here.
I'm so sorry for your loss. It's horrible that you had to wait so many hours to find out what was happening.
I could have written a lot of the stuff in your post. I feel horrible that we got our families so excited for their first grandchild and now I've failed them. I know it's not my fault, but I just feel so bad. I am devastated as well, and my DH had just gotten used to the idea by the time we found out something was wrong. It's such an emotional rollercoaster.
big brothers 12.2009 and 02.2012
I'm so sorry for your loss. I truly feel your pain, as my experience was pretty similar. It was my first pregnancy and though DH and I were trying, it happened much quicker than we expected. It would have been the first grandchild for my parents. I had a long wait to find out whether I had really miscarried (4 days) and an awful experience at my ultrasound where I never even saw or spoke to the doctor. They also did not even tell me that there was no heartbeat, I had to find that part out from my OB 4 days later.
I should have been 12 weeks and was starting to feel safe. DH and I also handle emotions so differently, and at first I totally withdrew from him, but after the first 12 hours or so I started clinging to him like crazy and having him to share this with has been the most important and helpful thing for me.
I know it feels impossible to start dealing with it, but I think sharing your story here is a good first step towards healing. Even if you can't find the support you need from friends or family, you have a good chance of finding it here. Hugs.
BFP#3 9-4-13 Benjamin Lee born 4-28-14
thank you all so much. its nice to know i have a place i can drop this stuff so its not just floating around in my head.
the doctor was one of the worst parts of the whole experience, i know ER doc's are typically very busy and often times you don't get quality time with them, but sheesh, what a way to make an entrance. I will say that the LNP who was with me thru most of this was one of the nicest i have ever encountered. I am grateful she was the one who told me, coz based on the doctors behavior i think getting the news from him would have been much more traumatic.
i think right now, my biggest concern/fear is how to tell my parents. i haven't spoken with anyone today, i have been laying in bed with my DH and our puppy all day trying to not talk to anyone. I am still processing this myself, and until i can type the words out without crying, i don't think i want to actually have to say them out loud.
also, as i mentioned, as a control freak, i think i may need to block google. i have been searching statistics all day trying to find something i could have changed or something proving i am not damaged in some way. I know its not my fault, but man, the not knowing is the worst.
again, thank you all for your kind words and i am glad to have a place to go where people are understanding of the whirlwind of emotions i am going through right now.
((hugs)) to you all as well.
It sounds like what you need right now is to just stay in bed with DH and your dog and block out the rest of the world, and that is absolutely fine. You need to do what is best for you and not worry about anyone else; I'm sure that your parents would want you to be taking care of yourself right now and not worrying about them when you have so much trauma to deal with.
The only places I have gone on the Internet are here and my email. No Facebook, no Googling things, no celebrity gossip or anything. It has helped me start feeling better to shut out the rest of the world and just focus on what I am experiencing right now, but also to realize I don't need to go through it alone, and even words I can't speak can be typed less painfully.
Please let me know if you need someone to talk to right now or in the upcoming days. So many of the things you say are resonating with me because I felt exactly like you do just a few days ago.
BFP#3 9-4-13 Benjamin Lee born 4-28-14
My heart goes out to you.
When my first pregnancy we weren't trying, but once we found out, we were SO excited. We told my husband's parents and my parents right after we found out, three weeks later was my brother in law's wedding and we told everyone from our immediate family then too (with BIL's blessing!). We were so excited. I had a missed miscarriage around 9 or 10 weeks and started spotting. I went in, had a D&C.
Give yourself time to heal. Use your husband for emotional support. I was so overwrought with grief (I had no CLUE I was going to react so strongly to something I wasn't even trying for...) that I pushed my poor husband away, and it caused a rift between us for quite a while. Just tell your parents, and I'm sure that they will be supportive and loving. Don't feel like you have to ''get over it''. I had one person tell me that and God bless my husband, after I stumbled tearfully out of the room my husband gave her a tongue lashing. But take time. Cry a lot. You are in my thoughts, and keep posting on this board. They were invaluable to me after my miscarriage.