Pity party of 1... enter at your own risk

GenRN45

I feel sort of ridiculous that I feel this way about things, but at the same time, you can't help how you feel, right? I kind of feel like an uber failure... the trifecta of fail, if you will.

I couldn't get pregnant.

Once I got pregnant with intervention, I couldn't vaginally deliver my baby. I couldn't even have a routine c/s. There had to be complications that might not even allow me to VBAC next time.

Then I couldn't nurse and now I'm having supply issues.

Why can't i just do what women have done for centuries?

I feel so broken. And I feel like i've failed my daughter. I thought I was past all of this - but for some reason today it's really starting to bug me again.

Mouseygail

Its really tough to deal with any of those issues, let alone all of them, and while you are still dealing with PP hormones!!  and sweetie, yes, women have done this for centuries, but many many many of them died..and so did their babies...I realized that when I had to have an emergency c-section, how lucky Jones and I were to be alive now...we both would have likely died 100 years ago.  

I just want to send you huge hugs!!  I know it is really tough to control your feelings, but try to just be the amazing mommy you are now!!  she is getting food, it doesn't matter where it is from (and order yourself some domperidone from inhousepharmacy.biz right now, just in case you end up wanting it (shipping takes a week or two)...my supply spikes within hours of just taking two pills!  I have only taken maybe 6 doses in the last two weeks and my supply is sooo much better!)   She knows that you love her!  She just needs YOU!!  She knows that you are the best mommy in the world for HER! 

perry7285

(((hugs)))

you are an AWESOME mom! you're a hero for trying to keep your supply up and not just giving up on BM, and i know that you'll always take good care of your baby every step of the way. and as for your not-so-natural delivery--yeah, women have been having babies without medical intervention for centuries, and the maternal and infant mortality rate was huge! many, many women (including myself) needed major interventions with labor--that's just how nature unfortunately works, and it's no failure on your part.

you probably know everything i just said--so i'll just send T&Ps and hugs. 

dundasgirl

I am sorry you are having a rough time but I think it is understandable.  When I took prenatal classes, they told us that one of the main causes of postpartum depression and anxiety was having a rough birth experience...either not having things go the way you wanted or having an emergency situation.  I am not saying you have PPD, but I am just giving you a perspective on "why" you feel the way you do. 

I know so many Moms who had issues with breastfeeding after c-sections.  Some people have no problem, but for others it seems like that plays a part. 

At 6 weeks I noticed that my boobs were alot more empty feeling.  I thought for sure my milk was disappearing!  It happened with both of my kids.  BOTH times it was just my milk regulating itself.  I had oversupply before that.

Also, I found that fenugreek and oatmeal (plus drinking lots of water) helped me with supply after having the flu.

You are an amazing Mom.  It comes through in your posts.  All of the things that you mentioned that are bothering you are understandable...but in the end...your baby is here and she is LOVED! 

Feel free to vent if you are having a rough time...that's what us old timers are here for:)

kme930

You are a great mom! We're lucky to live in a world where dying in childbirth is not common - that's progress, not failure! You are doing a great job!!

The number one sign that you're a great mom? You care about all of this stuff so deeply - you're doing everything in your power to do what's best for your little girl and you want everything to be perfect for her. That = great mom! (((hugs)))

Mouseygail

kme930:

The number one sign that you're a great mom? You care about all of this stuff so deeply - you're doing everything in your power to do what's best for your little girl and you want everything to be perfect for her. That = great mom! (((hugs)))

  perfectly said!

GenRN45

You guys are awesome. Thank you for both validating and supporting me. I really appreciate it.

dundasgirl:

Also, I found that fenugreek and oatmeal (plus drinking lots of water) helped me with supply after having the flu.

I've actually been taking fenugreek 4 caps 3x/day for 3 weeks now and had to stop taking blessed thistle because it was causing really bad effects for Anna, even though it was GREAT for my supply. I eat oatmeal every morning and always have my water bottle with me. 

I'm thinking about taking Dom... I'll do anything for her, as long as it won't hurt her. 

I've started power pumping once a day. I haven't seen any results from it yet though.

mrsolsenk12

I had a lot of those same feelings early on the same as you. I had to do IVF to get pregnant and had an extremely rough pregnancy. I was bedrested for 7 weeks and still delivered 4 weeks early. I labored for a very short period of time and pushed for 90 min. but still ended up with a c-section. Due to a small pelvic bone, I won't ever be able to deliever vaginally and will have to have c-sections on any future pregnancies. Feeling broken is normal but acceptance of the situation does come with time. Please remember that you are a wonderful mom and those things do not change that fact.

smeyer

I could have written this.  My only additions are that I ended up with pre-e and consequently my LOs were preemies who needed NICU time. :-/  It sucks.  I wish things could be easy for all of us since we all worked so hard to get pg.

Anyway... I can't offer a ton of advise b/c those feelings still crop up from time to time but I do think it's really important to acknowledge them.  What you're feeling is normal and you're definitely not alone in your feelings.  For now, focus on your sweet baby.  Know that you did and will continue to do the very best for her, even if that requires tweaking your original plan a bit.

((hugs)) 

OrangeSmoke

I never really know what to say in these situations, but I want to let you know that I think you are an AWESOME mom.

You were brave enough to attempt a meds free delivery when I couldn't even fathom of not getting doped up.  You are strong strong enough to stick with BFing even with all the supply issuess (whereas I gave up).  You are one of the strongest women I know and Anna is so lucky to have you as her mama.

charmcitygirl

You are not broken!  You have a beautiful little girl who loves you more than anything.  She heals everything!

brideinOC

I had the exact same problems! Had to have IVF, but all of our tests came back as "perfect."  Had to be induced, but that didn't even work. The epidural was iffy and when they started the c-section, I could feel him cut into me, had to be put under.  BF didn't work at all.  But I certainly don't feel like I failed my child and your shouldn't either!  Your baby is happy and healthy and that's what matters.  None of those things "MAKE" a mommy. 

lnle

(((hugs))) you are still an amazing mom!

Shelley-Bean

Wow, I feel like I could have written this post!  I just posted yesterday on the multiples board about my breastfeedine woes.  I remember at my 6 week PP visit, I asked my doctor when does the crying stop?  We moved heaven and earth just to get pregnant, then the boys came 6 weeks early, in the SCN for 2 1/2 weeks, and no matter what I do or try, I just can't make enough milk for my babies. 

I just think, 150 years ago, babies and mothers died all the time in childbirth.  If they did survive, and the mother couldn't make enough milk, either the baby died, or someone else fed the baby.  

It's okay to give her formula.  Many, many successful people were never given a drop of breastmilk and turned out just fine.  You can do more for her just by loving her and decreasing your stress and guilt.  You're a good mom!!

JGirl2005

BFing is hard.  What are your specific issues, sorry I haven't been on much.

It is so hard at first.  I had supply issues with my son, but overcame those with LO#2.  Is it just a supply thing? 

Sorry you had to go through all that.  I had trouble getting pregnant, trouble staying pregnant and I know that all sucks.  I had supply issues with LO#1. 

dundasgirl

GenRN45:

You guys are awesome. Thank you for both validating and supporting me. I really appreciate it.

dundasgirl:

Also, I found that fenugreek and oatmeal (plus drinking lots of water) helped me with supply after having the flu.

I've actually been taking fenugreek 4 caps 3x/day for 3 weeks now and had to stop taking blessed thistle because it was causing really bad effects for Anna, even though it was GREAT for my supply. I eat oatmeal every morning and always have my water bottle with me. 

I'm thinking about taking Dom... I'll do anything for her, as long as it won't hurt her. 

I've started power pumping once a day. I haven't seen any results from it yet though.

Wow!  It sounds like you are doing everything you can...Hang in there!!

vandelay

You are not broken.  Look at the beautiful daughter you created, could a broken woman have done that?  Sure, you needed some assistance, and you made sure that you got it.  You fought to conceive your little girl and you won.  The fact that you are trying so, so hard to breastfeed because you believe that is best for your baby is just more evidence that you are a fighter and a strong woman.  Don't let the bumps in the road define you -- it's your fighting through them, and your love for your little girl, that make you a great mom.

That said, those first few months are so difficult, both physically and emotionally.  And it sounds like you had more trials and tribulations than most.  I'm sorry that you are going through this, and you are absolutely entitled to a pity party.  Just try to remember that you are doing an awesome job, mama!