New from August board - long (warning: details about m/c)

JThomas221

I come from the August 2011 board. Unfortunately, I recognize a lot of you here from the same board. My heart broke for each and every one of you as you had your losses, and now here I am joining you. It's been a week since we discovered my missed m/c, and I still have trouble believing that it really happened. For a couple of weeks, I had been telling DH that I just didn't feel pregnant anymore. I still had symptoms but they had lessened, and I just convinced myself that I was nearing the end of 1st tri and that maybe I was just finally getting used to being pregnant.

I started bleeding last Sunday night, so my obgyn squeezed us in the next morning. All of my bloodwork had been coming back fine and my cervix was closed, but the dr. ordered an u/s just to be sure. Honestly, DH and I thought we were just going to see our baby move, hear the heartbeat again, and maybe get a couple of pictures. I knew m/c was always a risk, but I don't know, I guess I just thought we were kind of on the home stretch. I was 10 weeks, and I was just starting to relax a little bit and ease up on all of the worrying. We were going to tell Skids this weekend (on DH's birthday) because I would be 12 weeks and through 1st tri, and then we were going to start clearing out the nursery.

Instead of seeing the little wiggle worm that everyone else on my board was seeing in their u/s, I saw my baby lying so still and fragile looking. It was way too small and I saw that it was measuring at 7w3d, almost 3 weeks behind. At first I couldn't believe it. The u/s tech coudn't tell us anything, but she turned on the sound and started looking for a heartbeat. Of course there wasn't one.

I had a D&C on Wednesday and the dr. says after one or two normal cycles we can TTC again if we're ready. Both DH and I want to do this and I'm just hoping I'll be ready emotionally when the time comes. I'm trying to let myself grieve but this is so much more painful than I could have imagined. It's all I can think about and nothing makes me feel better. My family and friends are trying to be supportive but they usually just say something that makes me feel worse. I try to remember that they're only trying to help. I want to talk about it but when someone calls I wish they hadn't. I want hugs but when I get them I feel uncomfortable. Sometimes when I want to feel sad and cry I can't, but when I'm in the middle of something of course then the tears come. I feel like I'm losing. my. mind. DH is wonderful and has taken such good care of me this week. I know he's hurting a lot right now too but he's trying so hard to be strong for me. I don't know what I would do without him.

Even so, I'm really glad to have this board. DH is my rock, but he grieves differently from me. He listens when I want to talk, but he would rather keep his mind off of it. He wants to move forward but I just can't right now. I feel so empty and lost, and I just don't know what to do with myself. If anyone has made it this far, thank you for reading. I feel a little better already just getting this out in writing. I think I may start a journal to get all my thoughts out, but I'm sure I'll be around the board as well.

erikaja6

I am sorry for your loss.  I was also on the August board, but had a very early loss.  The range of emotions you are experiencing is totally normal.  I've had days when I thought I was doing okay/recovering and days when I've been brought to my knees crying.  I've had days when I want to talk to family/friends about my miscarriage and days when I regret talking about it because I'm tired of hearing, "Well, clearly something was wrong with the pregnancy.  So, it was for the best."  Like you, I just have to tell myself that they're trying to be helpful, not hurtful.  That's why I've found this board to be so helpful...the women on this board just get it.  They understand how you're feeling and know what to say and what NOT to say.  I am so sorry you have to be here, but hope you find this board as helpful as I have. 

inlovewithB

I am so sorry you lost your sweet little baby! I know exactly what you mean "this is so much more painful than I could have imagined". That is exactly what I kept thinking in that first week. I had heard of other people losing pregnancies, but I just never could have imagined the amount of pain it could cause until I felt it myself.

I have found that the best people to talk to are women who have been through a loss, no one else seems to understand and they can say some really hurtful things. (((hugs))) 

LDW80

I am so sorry for your loss.  You sound EXACTLY like I do (and probably most of us on here).  There are days I am SO angry and want to know the answers and other days I think Ok, this happened for a reason.  Yesterday I was sitting in church and the sermon had NOTHING to do with losses or anything like that and I just lost it....uncontrollably.  I had to get up and leave.  It has been 3 weeks since we said our goodbyes to our baby and while it hasn't gotten easier I have accepted it more and cry less.  Right now I am focusing on getting my body back to normal and hoping to start trying in March.  I hope you will be able to do that one day soon too.  Please take care and if you need anything we are here for you.

npilcher506

I am so sorry for your loss. I was from the August board as well. I avoided my friends and family for a while as well. Some of them I am still avoiding. Most of what everyone has said has just made me feel worse. Most of them mean well, its just a hard thing to go through. My husband has been my salvation through it all and it sounds like your husband is doing the same for you. I hope you can find comfort here. I know I did. This is an amazing group of people. Best wishes to you!

Muffinhb

Im so sorry for your loss. I was at the Aug 11 board as well. This board is amazing and very supportive of everyone! Like PP everyone means well but there comments cut right though which hurts more. If you need someone to listen im here. Praying for you!

kthappy76

I'm so sorry for your loss.  I too was on the Aug. board, and understand exactly what you are going through.  Hope you can get some support and try again when you are ready.  GL.

JThomas221

Thank you everyone for your kind words. I'm so thankful for this board. It helps to know that someone else can understand my pain, even though I don't understand it myself at times.

Ginkeez

Your post brings back a lot of the pain of my loss.  My expectations and experience was similar to yours.  And our husbands sound like the same type of men

I too, lost all symptoms of pregnancy.  I had been exhausted all the time, and about 13 weeks I had my energy back.  I wasn't sick.  My breasts did not hurt, and as the weeks went by, my stomach didn't grow like it had in my previous pregnancy.  I assumed it was just because I was out of first tri.  Then at about 14.5 weeks, I started spotting.  I still didn't worry.  Then a couple of days before 16 weeks, my spotting turned into more, and an u/s revealed a small, lifeless baby inside me, only measuring 12 weeks.  We had seen the heartbeat at 9 weeks, and heard the heartbeat at my 12 week appointment.  Never EVER did I think I was going to miscarry.  We had passed the most common time to miscarry, I thought.  My husband and I just thought we would get to see our baby again on that u/s, and that everyone would be fine.  What a slap in the face.  Fortunately, my body did what it needed to do and passed my baby naturally the next morning, so I did not have to wait long.  So many things went through my head.  How I had been carrying my dead baby inside me and I didn't know it.  How I had been pregnant one minute, and not the next.  It sucks, and I'm sorry so many people have to go through it. 

I will always miss my baby, and always wonder what happened that he or she didn't live long enough for us to meet him or her.  Looking back I had a lot of signs that my baby was no longer alive.  A couple of weeks before we found out, I had a really strong sense of my Grandmother around me.  She died several years ago.  I think she was trying to tell me that she was with my baby.  

You will find comfort in something.  My husband, like you, was my support.  I don't know what I would have done without him.  I tried to keep myself busy and active.  You will find your way.

88eve88

So, so sorry for what has happened.  Every time I see a "new to the board" message here, my heart sinks a little.  You will find comfort and support from all these strong women, but most importantly, you will find a place to spill your emotions and vent.  I find that most therapeutic. 

Froggy76

I'm so sorry for your loss.  I was on the August board as well.  I had the same issue- that I just didn't feel pregnant anymore.  My DH kept telling me to stop worrying, but an u/s showed that the baby had passed away around the time my symptoms started disappearing.

I hope you find some support from this board.

Fallon621

88eve88:

So, so sorry for what has happened.  Every time I see a "new to the board" message here, my heart sinks a little.  You will find comfort and support from all these strong women, but most importantly, you will find a place to spill your emotions and vent.  I find that most therapeutic. 

Agreed!!

vthorwesten

Hi there,

December 1 was the crappiest day of my life.....DH and I got married in August and had decided that we weren't going to prevent or plan and whatever happened, happened. I was taking pre-natal vitamins already.

Nov 30 I knew something was wrong and went to emergency. The wait line was 9 hours they said so I went back to my parents house and was going to go back in the morning. The morning came and I was feeling worse and worse...I AS WELL AS EVERYONE ELSE

Jen&Louie

I am so terribly sorry to hear of your loss and to see another former August '11 member here...there are far, far too many of us it seems. I hope that being here helps your find some support and community as you start to heal.