Huge thanks, and an update.

DavezWife

Hello to all my favorite ladies. I missed most of 'ya.   ;-) I wanted to give you a long-overdue THANK YOU and the obligatory (albeit boring) update.   This is going to be LONG. You've been warned. It's mainly for my records, just c&p'd here. Please don't feel the need to toss glitter or hug and chit, lol. The notes you left here, FB, to my email... have all been nothing short of AMAZING, and I appreciate every single one of them MUCH more than you could ever know.   We just got back from our cruise. I'd love to say we had a great time, but it was just ok. Ava was a bit of a homebody (like me) and didn't care for Kid's Club that much. She did enjoy cracking everyone up with her "Excuse Sir, where's the POOP DECK?" line of questions.  A couple of windy chilly days ruined beach trips on shore, but we had the best time we could when we were able.   So.... my chit...... I had my 3rd D&C last Thurs morning, less than 24 hrs from our flights southeast. I've never had issues before and usually in & out  in 30 mins, and honestly, feeling physically fine by lunchtime. Well, this time, something else was out to get me: as I finally made the long walk with the breezybutt gown, I kept muttering "please not surgical room 14, please not 14, please not 14" and sure as chit, 14 was prepped and ready for my 14th child to be taken from me. Although I pre-self-medicated as much as I dare, I lost my marbles, and once the room heard why, pratically everyone ws crying too. I basically laid down and BEGGED the dude to knock me out. I may or may not have suggested he let me sleep for a year. I was bawling as some really sweet nurse was petting my head in comfort. I think a whole new part of my heart broke as I laid there waiting for it to happen. And then I woke up in the recovery room.  I guess the surgery took 90 minutes (something about needing u/s to get in there, couldn't see, I dunno...) and I woke up with yonkers shoved in my mouth, barf everywhere (yes, for 100th time, I was NPO after midnight!) and super confused.

I was SUPER sore, more IV pain meds, more barfing. Yes, again, I was NPO after midnight. (chit, I stopped sipping at 9pm and passed out without eating dinner. I have NO idea where all this puke was coming from!)  FINALLY I wa just DYING to get home, and David had been waiting forver with Ava (again, thought this was another quickie in/out thing) and then the new comedy started.... I kept passing out when I'd try to sit up.

EVERY fricking time. It was almost comical. They tried to get me to drink sprite, that came up. Passed out trying to get UP to pee, and passed out again trying to get dressed. I  must have a new/green nurse, she was freaked, and kept repeating my vitals, then more nurses and docs... lol. Good lord. Seriously, just let me go.

Dr. Hee palmed me a script for THIRTY ativan on the way out (bless that man a 100 times over) and finally we got home. Where I proceeded to spend the whole day passing out and puking, trying to "hide" this all from Ava so she wouldn't be scared. (she was anyways)

 

Then the blood. Holy chit, the blood. Again, usually for me, nothing for 5-6 days then a light period. Nope. Aunt Flo got our interary, and knew we beach-bound. I wore diapers for days. 2 day reprise, then it picked up again. Good times. Oh and my bewbs throb daily here and there, just to remind me that I'm not pregnant anymore. Cramps? Not even vicoden and ibuprofen round the clock touched them.

 

Needless to say that between the heartbreak of this all, PLUS all the physical issues... traveling (alone with Ava, mind you, Davez had a different flight, same times, to use up vouchers) and spending quality time with his (delightful) parents in a MOTORHOME was a new hell I've never known. I spent the entire trip either silently hysterical in my pillow, or heavily medicated and flat.

 

I did my best to get thru this, and let Davez and Ava have some fun. Davez was pretty much a total and complete arse. Which is nothing new. That's just who he is. And it worsens when he's hurting. Which, of course, he was too.  We talked very little, and when we did, it wasn't nice. I know he blames me. And I also know he wants to quit. Be one and done. He says we're to eff the warranty program (we have 2 fresh and all FETs left, "free" just have to pay monitoring and meds, but meds for me are HUGE $$$) and he keeps saying "I don't want to go thru this anymore."  Right now he means it. I'm crushed. (but you know me....)

 

I'm trying to give him space, but all I want it to be is monday morning, and for me to call Dr. Sassy and get on his next fresh stim cycle schedule. I can't dwell in the past, I NEED to look ahead. We'll know in a couple weeks what happened to this one (maybe) and all fingers are pointed towards another trisomy baby. Which, statistically, is like 25% of 1.25% for my history. That's like, practically impossibe, but no one (nor my research) has even seen the steroids cause fetal tachycardia like that. The docs won't blame the steroids at all. I'll always wonder, of course. But there's women who take MUCH MORE for MUCH LONGER, (asthma, RA, etc) with NO mention of the high heartbeat.  So who knows. We're prepared to never really know why we lost this baby,  but hope results will tell us something. Something not in my control. Something that's not my fault.

 

So..... life goes back to status quo tomorrow, and I need to be DILIGENT about keeping my head above water, and not letting this slay me. (well, as much as possible).

 

Some good news I'll share... I met up with a very dear and sweet old friend from nursing school about 3-4 weeks ago, and I almost choked on my food when she just upped and offered to be our gestational carrier. Just like that, like she was lending me a cute sweater or something. I laughed, and admitted I was already pregnant, and I teased her that she prolly' alread figgered' that out, and was just making a "safe offer" to be nice.

She was dead serious. You know, like, if we ever needed a ute or anything. lol.

She must have figger'ed out what happened from the FB Kindness (whoa, was I blown away by you all.... thank you again) and called me that afternoon. Before she even said "I'm sorry" or "What happened" the girl says "I meant what I said the other day at lunch. I am totally serious, and when you're ready to consider me, let's have lunch again."

Blown.

Away.

It's something we have considered, obviously, my ute hates babies. And far be it for me to turn my head to someone offering up their "womb for rent."  So we're having lunch. Not sure what will come from it, but she's yet another angel (some just bring cheesecake and listen to me cry, lol) who has come along to help me take my next breathe, and maybe move my foot one step forward. And for that I am so grateful. 

 

I think, in all fairness to you guys, I'm going to lay low regarding specifics of my cycling. I'm sure some would say we're CRAZY for trying again, and you're entitled to that opinion, but this is *our*  family. I hate gettng everyone all excited, then sad, then worried, then sad, blah blah.... so how about I just share some amazing news on here someday??? and we'll keep it at that???? IF IF IF we cycle again, I'm going to do things TOTALLY opposite of how we've done them. I can't put up with the anxiety anymore. And people waiting for betas calls with me makes me anxious. Having to share we lost another one, makes me very very upset.

 

We're also looking into foster/adopt (will wait longer for a child under Ava's age that is ready or just about ready to adopt) and sitting idle on some super cheap adoption lawyer's desk until fate intervenes. We're broke. This IVF chit has wrecked us.

But I just KNOW that our kid(s) are out there. And we'll find them someday.

 

Again, a million thanks for all the love and support and kind words, and everything you have all done for me (and Davez & Ava). I appreciate you all.

 

I don't know HOW this became my story,

but it sure as chit 'aint gonna end this way.

I will mother others.

alchris

It's great to hear from you, really.  Welcome home.

I'm so sorry about the pain, passing out, bleeding, et al.  Yuck.

Speaking for myself, you are always welcome to post about your cycles, dilemmas, worries, everything.  Ups and downs...that's what friends are for.

And wow about your friend!  WOW!  What an amazing gift, whether it happens in the end or not.

Regardless of what the testing shows, please know that IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT.  I understand what you're saying; I understand the differentiation.  But regardless, IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT.

Sweet Owl will continue to be loved and missed by many.

Cheering you on, my friend.  I'm so very sorry.

jds0521

Sending big hugs & lots of t&p your way. We missed you around here.

hooliface

Wow, I am just so sad reading this.   I again am very sorry for everything you are going through.    One person should not have to go through what you have.     I am confident you will mother again and be the best damn Mom out there.      

What your friend has offered is such an amazing gift and it just amazes me that there are such selfless people out there.    I hope if you go that direction, it will ease your pain and give you much (deserved) hope.  

Please take care of yourself and keep in touch. 

MayDayGirl

oh girl, I am sorry this has become your story too. I am sick for you. I am so sorry.

 

For all of it.

BeccaLandes

Thank you for coming back and updating us.  I hope you get some answers soon.  I don't know about for others, but even though it is hard to hear about your losses and your pain, we are definitely rooting you on at every step.  So if that helps, feel free to keep us updated as you go along whatever path you take.

browneyedgrl4282

I have been thinking about you none stop! I am so sorry you are dealing with all this. We are all here for you!

kittylove

F-ing screw infertility! Who ever the bent fcker is! She can kiss my white trashy @$$! We are all here for you and behind you no matter what you decide to do or decide to share. No matter what this is your home and we are here for you.

Carrie25

Love you lady.  Glad to see you back here, even if it's just for a drive by.  You WILL mother others.

MrsRyan61804

I know your pain. I know the pain of losing baby after baby. I know the feeling of not knowing or understanding what is causing the losses. The fear that maybe it's not meant to be, maybe it will never happen. I would not wish these feelings on anyone! I will tell you that right before we conceived Jack I was at a crossroads and started looking into donors, embryo adoption, and foster/adoption. Like you in my heart of hearts I knew I would be a mother one way or another. Sure enough a few months later I was knocked up! Don't give up! Don't let anyone tell you to give up! Hang in there, you are a amazingly strong women!

Huge (((HUGS)))

I'm here if you ever want to talk, vent, scream, cry 

GenRN45

Thinking of you.

perry7285

huge hugs sweetie. you will get through this, and like you said, you will mother others! sending my thoughts and prayers.

choco_lab

Thanks for the update.  Don't feel like you can't share about what's happening for you.  The message board seems like the easiest way to get feelings out there and not "burden" anyone IRL if you know what I mean.  If they want to read updates they will.. if not 'ef 'em.  Hang in there.

njdcgirl

Welcome home.  It's strange around these parts w/o you! 

Your D&C story made me tear up.  Your GC offer from your friend made me tear up too.  I hope you and Davez get back on the same page and decide how you are going to move forward.  Your strength and determination is admirable.

Rooting for your family.  However it comes to be.

LisaandBryan

Wow, just wow. I can't believe all you've been through. I hate that its' yoru story too.  I hope you continue to share what you are going through because you will get there one day and it will be amazing.

FWIW, I have RA and took steroids a lot throughout my pregnancy when I had flare-ups and no issues.  Everybody assured me it was fine and that it didn't evne cross the placenta so I wwouldn't worry about that.

firsttogo

Sick over all of this. Miss you too .

sasa625

Glad to see you back on here, even if only for a minute. You were missed!! Your story makes me so sad and angry. You are one of the strongest women I "know" and you deserve your happy ending!

marcuej

Welcome back; you've been missed!  Thanks for updating us.  You have been through so much and are still showing strength by sharing with us. 

tapgirl

It is good to "see" you and hear an update.  My heart just breaks for you, truly.  It is just ridiculously unfair that you have to deal with this.  Please don't feel like you are any kind of burden on us when you share your news and struggles.  That is what we are here for - to be a source of support, a cheering section, a shoulder to cry on - whatever you need.

Your resolve to mother others and not give up is admirable.  Hold on to that.  We'll be rooting for you. 

 

muppet.fan

So glad to hear from you. Whatever you decide to do, we're here for you. And what a truly amazing offer from your friend.

Courted

So glad to see you back at least for the time being!  I am so incredibly sorry for EVERYTHING you went through, which sounds like hell and back.  I can not imagine the pain you went through and are still feeling after all that.  I realyl hope you and Davez are able to get on the same page and you are able to jump into another cycle soon.  You have been in my thoughts and prayers and you will continue to stay there.  I really wish I could give you a real hug.  (((((HUGS))))))

GreenEyedGal

Welcome back, you've been missed. I'm so sorry for all the hell you've been through. Stay strong. ((hugs))

Happycouple

Yes, you definitely definitely WILL mother others.  I am very sure of this.  You're in my thoughts.

LMK8605

You are strong and brave - I have no doubt there is a child waiting for you to be their mother (either biologically or otherwise) and I am sure you mothering that child (along with Ava) will make the world a better place.

missyjg

Thoughts and prayers for you! The best of luck to you in whatever path you choose.

charmcitygirl

Been thinking of you for the past couple of weeks and hoping that your physical and emotional healing would be starting to take place.

I understand the need to keep moving forward.  I was the same way.

I hope that you feel like you can post whatever you want about your cycles highs and lows.  We're all in this rollercoaster together!

Love ya!

macschic

So very sorry you are going through this. 

dana316

(((Hugs)))

Whether you want 'em or not

 

CMM05

Oh, T......I'm so sorry There are no words. I am so sorry for all that you dealt with and poopy on the not-so-great vacay.

That is one amazing friend you have! Maybe she is your miracle?????

 ((((HUGS))))

Keep that head up high. You are right, you will mother others

 

desabean

wow.

 I am so, so sorry.  I know how physically awful my miscarriage was and I was only pregnant for 7 minutes so I can imagine (even though I've never had a d&c) what you were going through and can't believe you had to do it on a cruise.  Ugh.

I can totally understand you wanting to move ahead.  I'm not sure I would be strong enough to do it but I 100% get why you keep going.  You are supposed to have another baby and you know it-- quitting won't get you there (contrary to all the a-holes who want to tell us stories about their brother's girlfriend's sister's boss who got ku once she stopped trying)

I hope you will use us for what you need- don't worry about how we feel.  If you want to share, share.  If you want to surprise us then do that too--- but we will all be thinking of and praying for you.  And we will celebrate along side you when you are holding that new baby in your arms.

LIAngel

So great to "see"  you again.   (((HUGS)))

GuitaristsGirl

DavezWife:

I don't know HOW this became my story,

but it sure as chit 'aint gonna end this way.

I will mother others.

 

I believe this.

And I've missed you.

Been thinking of you so much.

My heart breaks over what you've been given to bear.  It's beyond unfair. 

((Hugs)) (even though you don't want them!)

KYRN

You're strength is very admirable.  As pp's have said, you're always welcome to share your highs and lows with us, or of course welcome to keep them to yourself. We love you!  I hope that you and Davez can get to the same place and move forward in whatever way is best for your family.  You are definitely made to mother others.

Much love to you and your family. 

PhillySue

Lots and lots of hugs to you Davez.  You are so strong and I am just so sad for you.  You are definitely missed around here. 

nicolita14w

So good to hear from you-- we've missed you! I'm sorry the vacation sucked but I'm glad to hear you are getting so much support from so many sources. We will all be here for you HOWEVER LONG IT TAKES. You *will* mother others.

Our previous neighbors did 14 IVF cycles before having their beautiful daughter. They didn't give up. I didn't think they were crazy and I don't think you are either. In your shoes, I'd keep trying too. 

 (((((hugs))))))

 

laura&dan05

I hope your strength and energy continue to get you through the tough times.  I understand the need to keep moving forward and having hope.  Hang in there and post when you're ready or need support!

newsbaby

Wow. I am so sorry, no one should have to deal with all of that. Huge hugs.

Waiting4baby08

I'm also so sorry this is your story.  And I agree this isn't the end.  Wow, to your friend for her beautiful offer.  Some people may disagree with your desire to continue trying.  I totally get it and support you in ANY endeavor you decide to take on.  I'm thinking of you and ALL of your tiny ones.

kme930

Sweetie, welcome home. I am so sorry you have had such a tough few weeks. I admire your determination, and I know you will mother another child. The universe is just taking its time showing you how. 

(((hugs))) - whether you want them or not.  

leslie&brian

Thanks for the update. I really admire your determination, and I know that you will mother others. Know that we are here for you..for the good times and the bad. Take care of yourself!

LucyPevensie

Wow T.  You are amazing.  Thank you for the update.  Thinking of you every day.