Emotionally accepting that we need help to get KU

ChicagoWeded2007

We are meeting with our RE on Monday to form our first plan.  We have seen some of the test results.  I have no problems so far, but Dh's sperm count is a bit low (11.3 million per ml). I think the RE will probably recommend IUIs.  I know the important thing is having a baby, but I am finding it SO hard to accept that we can't get pregnant through sex.  Plus I feel so bad and stupid for thinking like this.  Any experience/advice?  How did you come to terms with needing help?

tst1998

It took me awhile to get there. After 6 months of trying I started getting concerned, but knew that it could take up to a year. After a year, I thought we should see someone but had the hardest time accepting that something that was so natural for so many wasn't going to work for us. Finally after 18 months, I made an appointment. Nothing really changed to bring me around. I just didn't like where things were with our relationship. Sex was no longer fun. We had to plan out everything. I felt like it was my fault that things weren't working, because I was getting the timing wrong, or something. I think it is completely natural to have trouble accepting that you have to deal with this. But meeting with the RE and having a plan was a huge relief. Now if it doesn't work, it's not my fault. We can have sex JUST FOR FUN. I feel like there is someone else on our side. You are not alone. And knowing that has helped a lot. Out of my close friends from college, half of us have had trouble getting pregnant and had to get some help. I'm just thankful that there are technologies that will allow me to be a mother. If that's what it takes, that's what I'm going to do. And I'm going to be a damn good mother.

weddinginbloom

I am going through something similiar since we've hit that 'magic' time of having tried for over a year now.  I think it's ok to let yourself feel a bit down about this because it's a natural response to a painful situation.  Try to be compassionate with yourself.  It's good to talk about your feelings too and know that you're not alone in your situation and feelings   

SeptemberBride'08

It was hard. I got my dx of unexplained IF in the fall. We knew it was coming. All his tests came back above normal.....mine came up nothing. TTC for over two years and never getting a BFP can usually only mean one thing.

After I got my period on 12/20/10 after my HSG I broke down. Sobbed from my soul on the floor for about an hour. Then random bitchiness, crying, anger towards pretty much everyone and everything.

I got a therapist and have had two sessions which is helping a bit but I'm sure it will take more time. I've decided to take a break for a few cycles to get my mental health in a good place and my physical health in a better place. I figure at this point being in the best frame of mind before starting IUI's is better than jumping into it. I'm also looking into a local IF support group. That is a good thing to look into.

I also decided to not hide my IF. I've told my family and friends. I figure it's so isolating having IF and needing help getting pregnant that I would need as much support as possible and if my friends and family know when I'm having a bad moment they understand.

sbrowns08

Infertility can be so difficult to navigate and you are not alone. MH and I always had a sinking feeling that conceiving would be tough for us, so I think that made the transition to our RE easier.

We are dx with MFI also, if you ever have any questions I would be happy to fill you in on what we've been through so far. Good luck!

bandwife928

tst1998:

It took me awhile to get there. After 6 months of trying I started getting concerned, but knew that it could take up to a year. After a year, I thought we should see someone but had the hardest time accepting that something that was so natural for so many wasn't going to work for us. Finally after 18 months, I made an appointment. Nothing really changed to bring me around. I just didn't like where things were with our relationship. Sex was no longer fun. We had to plan out everything. I felt like it was my fault that things weren't working, because I was getting the timing wrong, or something. I think it is completely natural to have trouble accepting that you have to deal with this. But meeting with the RE and having a plan was a huge relief. Now if it doesn't work, it's not my fault. We can have sex JUST FOR FUN. I feel like there is someone else on our side. You are not alone. And knowing that has helped a lot. Out of my close friends from college, half of us have had trouble getting pregnant and had to get some help. I'm just thankful that there are technologies that will allow me to be a mother. If that's what it takes, that's what I'm going to do. And I'm going to be a damn good mother.

This, all of this.  Nicely put, tst!

adaisybug

Uggg...that was hard time. I hit my low time from about Sept -Dec, where I felt like we had a problem, but we had to wait for the "official year" to be tested. Once we got in for testing, I felt like we were getting somewhere. There of course are still ups and downs now that we are looking into treatments, but now I feel like I have an awesome doctor on our side trying her best to figure things out. I still have moments where I get mad because we can't just have sex and get pregnant like everyone else, but it is just something you come to accept.

IF is such a rollercoaster ride of emotions, but I know it will be worth it in the end. {HUGS}

Flyer256

Ugh! So sorry you are feeling this way. When I got my Dx of annovulation I felt like a failure and had many of the emotions that you were describing.  Since it was "my issue" I had a hard time talking about it with DH.  He was incredibly supportive, which I guess I would advise being to your DH in your circumstances.  I was disappointed and felt like there was an unspoken "reason" we should not have kids. These boards were such a help for me, and thinking like that is silly!  There are tons and tons of women who are in your same boat, and I found it so comforting to connect with so many of them.  Although it was quick (fingers crossed!) for us, I personally didn't feel at peace until I got a BFP.  But I can tell you, that it absolutely worth the wait and the work. T&P to you and your husband. 

blueberries8

It IS hard. I still feel sad that I can't get pregnant by having sex. It just seems really unfair. We still persist in the treatments because at the end of the day, what matters to us most is that we get to experience having a child, even if those stirrups aren't the romantic, beautiful conception story I had envisioned in my head for all these years:) I am so sorry you are feeling this way but I hope you can take some comfort in knowing that you are not alone.?

tst1998

One other thing that really helped for me was acupuncture. I don't that it really does anything for our IF per se, but it has really helped my frame of mind and kept me more positive. I use it as treatment for the emotional side of IF (and while my insurance doesn't pay for anyting IF related, I am able to get acupuncture covered!).

boymamaco

This is a great  thread. Thank you so  much for posting it. I just filled out almost all the initial consult paperwork today. I realized I'm having a hard time wrapping my brain around the word "infertility". Before I thought we would go becuase we are older and anxious (and after 6 months they'll take us older folk.) But now that we are going becuase we actually need it, I'm in a whole different mindset.

I'm  really up and down. I know it has an affect on DH and he's been trying to be supportive. One of my NY resolutions is to be more positive and not so reactive. I think that's helping but I have to remind myself each day.

Thanks for everyone's insights. Even though I'm not the OP, this thread has been so helpful.

pinksandbermuda

This is a good thread!   I just found out that not only are we going to need help, but it may be dangerous for us to conceive naturally.  I need an MRI to confirm that, but in the meanwhile has us a little freaked out.  

 I haven't come to terms with it yet.   I went in for a follow up 2 weeks ago to what I thought was a septum resection procedure, expecting to hear the all clear for TTC soon.  It turns out I have basically 1.5 mini uteri,  within a normal looking uterus (from the outside).  Two separate cervixes, not a septum in the middle.  There is no procedure to correct this.  

 If I get preg. in the .5  side, I am at risk for uterine rupture and can most certainly not carry to a viable length.   I can most likely not even carry full term on the "good" side.  

My RE recommended IVF so they can control what side I get pregnant in.  I am trying not to let it bother me too much and just hope that it works.

byrne15

It is very emotional...

I am on cycle 22 and all of our testing has come back "normal".  I'm having an HSG on Monday since RE is concerned I have a tubal defect from complications of a previous c-sec. 

In a way I am heartbroken over this, but I am also willing to do anything to get pregnant...

ChicagoWeded2007

Thanks for all your input everyone.  I'm still a little sad, but maybe this is just something I have to mourn and get over so I can move on to treatments.

Lorijean14

I am so sorry your are having to go through this.  I think what you are feeling is so common to many of us.  Personally, it took me a good 2-3 months to mourn the "death" of my natural pregnancy hopes and dreams.  Sounds a bit dramatic, but it's true.  I kept feeling like no one around me had any clue as to what I was going through. I got all the terrible advice you could imagine..."Relax", "Go on a trip", "It's OK, you can always adopt".  This all got me feeling more and more isolated.  My ray of light was a friend who opened up and shared her IF experience. (She has a beautiful 3 yr old boy after a long journey through IF) Finally, someone who knew the lows and the feeling of failure every month that AF made a visit.  Today, I know that it is going to work out.   I need to hang in there and eventually my time will come.  And so will your's.  It is a process.  The highs, the lows, the disappointments.  Allow yourself time to grieve what is not to be and then put yourself back together and move on.  There are many treatment options out there and a lot to be encourage by. 

 I am so sorry you have to go through this.  I really wouldn't wish it on anyone.  Hang in there.  Best wishes to you!

ChicagoWeded2007

Lorijean14:

I am so sorry your are having to go through this.  I think what you are feeling is so common to many of us.  Personally, it took me a good 2-3 months to mourn the "death" of my natural pregnancy hopes and dreams.  Sounds a bit dramatic, but it's true.  I kept feeling like no one around me had any clue as to what I was going through. I got all the terrible advice you could imagine..."Relax", "Go on a trip", "It's OK, you can always adopt".  This all got me feeling more and more isolated.  My ray of light was a friend who opened up and shared her IF experience. (She has a beautiful 3 yr old boy after a long journey through IF) Finally, someone who knew the lows and the feeling of failure every month that AF made a visit.  Today, I know that it is going to work out.   I need to hang in there and eventually my time will come.  And so will your's.  It is a process.  The highs, the lows, the disappointments.  Allow yourself time to grieve what is not to be and then put yourself back together and move on.  There are many treatment options out there and a lot to be encourage by. 

 I am so sorry you have to go through this.  I really wouldn't wish it on anyone.  Hang in there.  Best wishes to you!

That is exactly how I feel, like I am mourning a loss.  I have to accept that sex just won't work for us.  It's depressing.  But I have to finish mourning that and then I can move on and have a baby another way.

Lorijean14

It's true.  You are mourning the loss of a natural pregnancy.  It takes time. It was such a blow to me the first time my GYN mentioned the Infertility clinic.  I fell to pieces.   The process is so hard and I can tell you, some days I'm good, other days I'm a mess.  Someone on the infertility board pointed me toward the Resolve.org which has very good resources and articles including things to help your family and hubby understand how best to support you.  I hope this helps and I sincerely hope you have a very short journey through the IF jungle!