DH doesn't understand...

lilbit923

Thank you ladies so much for your insight to help me understand more about my rights as a patient and a mother when it comes to my births, my body and my babies.

I had been explaining to DH why I wanted to switch OB's, what I felt didn't go so well during my delivery with Emma, the way my OB speaks to me during visits, how I can't ask her questions or more importantly how I feel like an idiot after asking her a question because she won't explain things to me, just makes comments to scare me. I want to seek a second opinion and look at going to a new hospital.

I called my hospital I had delivered at twice to see what their guidelines were for VBAC. I was told I don't get to make that decision, doesn't matter what I want and doesn't matter if I signed consent forms or not, they go by what the OB wants. The nurse's attitude was really snarky and I decided that's the last time they'll get money from me, time to find a new hospital. I have 2 options available where the new OB I meet on Monday has priviledges at.

I was at dinner with DH last night and told him I don't think my current OB is looking out for what I want as a patient, that she's looking out for what's easiest for her to do. "You don't know that she doesn't have your best interests at heart. Have you talked to her?" WTF? Ummm, DH, I go to these appts alone, you're not there, I am, I know how she speaks to me, I know how she sidesteps a question and won't answer me. "Well, I think you're jumping the gun."

How can I continue to explain my side? I truly feel like I have NO advocate for my needs emotionally as a mom or healthwise as a patient. And if I go to this new OB and he tells me all I am set for is a C-sect again then I might as well stay with the current doctor I have instead of driving further in to the city.

DH tells me laughingly "I don't see what the big deal is. It's just delivery." Trying to tell him that I want to experience labor AND delivery, I was denied that before. It means a lot to me. His eyes get wide like "Oh well" and he laughs. I tell him he's a guy and he doesn't know what a woman feels "Apparently not." is all he says.

Then I am told I'm just being emotional about this and once the pregnancy is over I'll be back to normal. It's very disheartening to know I have no backup. I do feel like I am in this alone. I have no help. Right now I can't afford to hire a doula or a midwife to be a voice for me.

Does this sound unreasonable? I'd like a TOL with the possibility of VBAC and if things go wrong then we move to a c-sect if it becomes medically necessary. If it's medically necessary and we need a c-sect can we try the natural c-sect so I can see my baby being born and hold him/her first before everyone else?

drakee

You need to do what is best for you regardless of his attitude.  Don't give up!!  In order for him to have a change of heart, maybe he needs to experience things for himself.   It would be ideal for him to go to the appointment with you, but if he isn't willing, maybe you could at least go on a hospital tour with him.  I'm not a fan of the movie The Business of Being Born but it does present some of the issues with the hospital system.  A lot of men don't want to read a book like The Birth Partner but are more than willing to watch a movie.

Also, you can tell him that just because you are meeting with the OB doesn't mean you are going with the new OB.  You are just exploring your options.

lilbit923

drakee:

You need to do what is best for you regardless of his attitude.  Don't give up!!  In order for him to have a change of heart, maybe he needs to experience things for himself.   It would be ideal for him to go to the appointment with you, but if he isn't willing, maybe you could at least go on a hospital tour with him.  I'm not a fan of the movie The Business of Being Born but it does present some of the issues with the hospital system.  A lot of men don't want to read a book like The Birth Partner but are more than willing to watch a movie.

Also, you can tell him that just because you are meeting with the OB doesn't mean you are going with the new OB.  You are just exploring your options.

This! Yes! Options. Why is it as patients we are forced to think we don't have them? I felt like I was nothing once the consent forms were signed. You wouldn't believe the blur of nurses and docs in the room NOT answering my questions. It's like I no longer mattered. It wasn't a business of being born, it turned to a business of how fast can we get her out of L&D and on to the next paying customer. That's not what I had envisioned for a birth experience.

It truly is hard to find someone you can trust.

ShansBride

lilbit923:

drakee:

You need to do what is best for you regardless of his attitude.  Don't give up!!  In order for him to have a change of heart, maybe he needs to experience things for himself.   It would be ideal for him to go to the appointment with you, but if he isn't willing, maybe you could at least go on a hospital tour with him.  I'm not a fan of the movie The Business of Being Born but it does present some of the issues with the hospital system.  A lot of men don't want to read a book like The Birth Partner but are more than willing to watch a movie.

Also, you can tell him that just because you are meeting with the OB doesn't mean you are going with the new OB.  You are just exploring your options.

This! Yes! Options. Why is it as patients we are forced to think we don't have them? I felt like I was nothing once the consent forms were signed. You wouldn't believe the blur of nurses and docs in the room NOT answering my questions. It's like I no longer mattered. It wasn't a business of being born, it turned to a business of how fast can we get her out of L&D and on to the next paying customer. That's not what I had envisioned for a birth experience.

It truly is hard to find someone you can trust.

Totally 100% agree with this.

I am so sorry your husband isn't being supportive.  Men truly don't understand how important a birth is.  It changes us as women and mothers no matter how it happens.

I know you said you can't afford a doula, but have you talked to one?  I know a lot of doulas in my area will doula for free or are willing to trade services or something if you really need them and can't afford them.

I think I would (actually I sort of did) just sit down and tell my husband that this is my body and I would like for him to support my choices, but if he can't be supportive then I am going to have to make them without his support.

I don't know if you have done this or not, but I showed H facts about the health of the baby after c/s vs vaginal birth and I think that sort of opened his eyes to the fact that I wasn't just wanting a birth experience for me.  I really wanted something better for our baby.

Good luck!

JimsBride08

I'm sorry your DH is so unsupportive.  I'm mad at him for you!  He's being kind of a jerk and rude.  Is he like that with other things too? 

Do you have anyone in your community who would support you?  ICAN?  La Leche League?  Holistic Moms Network?  Even support from online people can be invaluable when you're not getting it anywhere else.  I would definitely look into a doula-some of them will help for free, or if you find a student who needs hours she can be just as helpful. 

It's not going to hurt anything by going to interview the other OB.  Worst case scenario is like you said-he also wants you to have a c-section.  Even if he wants the section and isn't rude and dismissive like your current OB, that sounds like a better alternative.

lilbit923

JimsBride08:

I'm sorry your DH is so unsupportive.  I'm mad at him for you!  He's being kind of a jerk and rude.  Is he like that with other things too? 

Do you have anyone in your community who would support you?  ICAN?  La Leche League?  Holistic Moms Network?  Even support from online people can be invaluable when you're not getting it anywhere else.  I would definitely look into a doula-some of them will help for free, or if you find a student who needs hours she can be just as helpful. 

It's not going to hurt anything by going to interview the other OB.  Worst case scenario is like you said-he also wants you to have a c-section.  Even if he wants the section and isn't rude and dismissive like your current OB, that sounds like a better alternative.

DH is such a brilliant man that it amazes me that he can still have a lapse in intelligence every now and then. My MIL, *sigh* is freaking out, she worries for everything and I'm trying to keep everyone in the loop so there are no surprises later when they drive in for the birth. I want them informed, I want DH informed. I know DH works kinda far from where the doc's office is so I really don't have a choice but to go to my appts solo.

As for the doula, the ones in the area online charge $$$. I don't have that right now. However, my SIL is a NICU nurse and can be forceful when she's pushed to it. My best friend is very upfront, direct and to the point. If I need a voice with me, I'd like to have one of them for moral support. Doesn't seem like DH is all for that but I'm sure it's because he's uninformed about what options are available. I've heard at one of the hospitals I'm looking at delivering at they have two CNM's there and that would be awesome if I had those as my nurses during L&D.

I'll be sure to post what happens from both appts on Monday. I seriously doubt I'll make any kind of head way with my current OB.

Sazhrah

Keep talking about it. Drill it into their heads. Start building your thick skin for what you want for yourself and your baby. People around me at first just didn't get it. But, after talking about it over and over again they started to see where I was coming from and are my biggest supporters.

Online has been a wonderful support for me too. Especially in the beginning when I was told my chances were nil. Now, i am the perfect candidate without changing practices, just hospitals. Keep your options open for other OBs. Just go to the meeting with them and see what they have to say. Keep researching. You WILL be able to do this. No matter what. I know we are all here for you whenever you need the support. Just message

lilbit923

Sazhrah:

Keep talking about it. Drill it into their heads. Start building your thick skin for what you want for yourself and your baby. People around me at first just didn't get it. But, after talking about it over and over again they started to see where I was coming from and are my biggest supporters.

Online has been a wonderful support for me too. Especially in the beginning when I was told my chances were nil. Now, i am the perfect candidate without changing practices, just hospitals. Keep your options open for other OBs. Just go to the meeting with them and see what they have to say. Keep researching. You WILL be able to do this. No matter what. I know we are all here for you whenever you need the support. Just message

Thank you so much! I feel like this is the only place, other than researching, that I've been able to find support for this. I am hopeful that the new OB's practice will yield far better results. From what I hear, he sounds wonderful. I can't wait to meet him.

jen5-03

Honestly I don't think I'd try to get him to understand why you want to switch.  Tell him yeah, it's just a delivery, and anyone can catch a baby. But why spend your time and money with someone who rubs you the wrong way when there are other OBs available?

And have you joined ICAN yet? Because your local group is awesome.