What's wrong with me? (rant...rant...and more rant)

hblack10

I have an odd question, possibly more than one. I miscarried in December, and the tormented pain and confusion continue daily. They've told me it probably had to do with the red dots on my arms (I can't spell it. It sounds like pe-tee-ke-i) and a lack of magnesium, phosphorus, and calcium. But heck if I know.

 

I just know that the torment has become nearly unbearable. My therapist (I'm bipolar) has asked that I visit him at least once a week. My husband (the poor man) has been going with me and refuses to be left out. And yet I can't quit being angry and myself and I keep snapping at him and I know I'm hurting him. But I don't know how else to express my feelings. And this, in turn, hurts me.

 

Is it possible that a post-miscarriage body may continue to have pregnancy symptoms even after the miscarriage?  I'm still tender. I'm still swollen. I'm still moody (yeah, that probably has to do with the bipolar and mourning, but this is a different set of emotions). I cry uncontrollably at stupid commercials. I'm fed up with it.

 

I really don't know what I'm asking here.  I guess I just needed to get it out. Our first wedding anniversary is Sunday. But I don't know if I'll be able to celebrate with pure joy. This shadow of pain and fear keeps enveloping me.

 

He asked if I'd know when I was ready to try again. I snapped at him. I screamed at him. I broke into tears. He comforted me endlessly. He has done nothing wrong...and yet I keep turning my anger against him. I feel terrible...because he's always there for me. He never questions my outbursts. But I know it's taking a toll on him. And it breaks my heart.

 

Will this ever pass? I pray it will. Because I don't want to hurt him more.  

lavril

This might sound strange - but did you miscarry naturally or have a surgical procedure done?  The reason I ask is b/c I've heard (and I have no medical background) that if there is any tissue left that it could still be producing pregnancy hormones.  For me, I feel like my hormones evened out in about a week or so and my breasts shrank and became less sore, my stomach flatted out, etc.   Have you had your follow up with your OB yet?

I'm sorry you have to deal with all this.  I hope you are able to find peace soon

hblack10

It was natural. I called my OB this morning and spoke with her briefly because of the continued swelling, pain, and the emotional issues...and because my husband asked me to. She's asked me to schedule an appointment with her to talk about "options". I'm not sure what these "options" are...and, in all honesty, I'm afraid to ask. She also asked about if we had been trying again. I was dumbfounded. Why would I try again when I can't even look at my nephew (he's a year old) without an onslaught of pain?

 

But, back to the topic. I have an appointment with her next Tuesday with my husband there to support. I guess we'll see then? I'm not even sure what to do now. I guess just wait and see. I'm assuming the options include a D&H, I think it's called? I don't even know what that is. I'm not even sure I want to. I'm completely new to the whole pregnancy and, sadly, miscarriage world. My sister-in-law was the first pregnancy I had been around as adult. I watched everything she did wrong (per her OB) and now wonder how I lost mine when, according to my OB I did nothing wrong? Life sucks. Again, I wander. I'm sorry...

  

Are there questions I should ask her when I get there? I don't even know where to start asking or looking.

88eve88

I'm terribly sorry that you're going through all this pain.  It sounds like you're having a really difficult time with your loss and while you've got great support, it just doesn't seem to be enough. 

I've read that sometimes a women can feel the affects of postpartum depression after a miscarriage as your body/hormones fight to get back to "normal".  Coupled with the physical affects you're feeling, it could be quite overwhelming. 

I always thought I was the epitome of good health.  I have never had any health issues or serious illnesses, so it blew my mind when all this happened.  Doctor after doctor keep saying "it's common", but I don't want to be "common"!!

I would ask why you're still feeling physical symptoms and what could be causing it.  I would ask more about the red dots on your arm and how that affects pregnancy.  I would ask for another u/s to make sure everything is out.  I would ask for more blood work to be done to see your hormone levels.  

I hope you get the answers you need to be at peace.  I hope your body recovers quickly.  {{{ HUGS }}}

nickirossandcats

I think that seeing the doctor is the best thing in this situation. Maybe your hormone levels haven't evened out. Maybe you have some tissue that has yet to be expelled. You won't know until you see a doctor and get checked out.

 Don't feel bad for being angry. I do it to my DH too. It's just because you can't lash out at something that you had no control over.... it sounds like he understands. 

I have a little list I'm taking to my doctor on Monday. When something pops into your head, write it down. Bring the list so you don't forget. 

Good luck. Let us know how things go.

Hugs. 

hblack10

I know I didn't reply with that happened...because I didn't want to get my hopes up. They asked me to (the day before I went in) take a home test, and it came back positive. My heart stopped. We had a...fling on our anniversary. They did blood work the next day and it was negative. My heart shattered. They classified it as a Chemical Pregnancy. We are going back on Friday to speak with her again. I don't know which end is up right now. My husband was hurt after the first loss, but this one really threw him off. My poor husband has been really, really upset and struggling to remain positive in life and at his workplace.

 Right now, I don't know what to expect. I guess we'll just wait and see.