Feeling Blue

laurenac

Was up the whole night having horrible cramps and back pain - and starting passing large clots this morning.  As much as I wanted the M/C to start once the U/S tech told me it wasn't a viable pregnancy, I have to admit that actually starting the M/C brought on a whole new wave of emotions.

I wish my DH could of called in today, but instead has to work a double.  I just feel so lonely sitting here and as tired as I feel, can't sleep.

Everyone around me is announcing their pregnancies and as happy as I am for all these women with such wonderful news, I can't help but feel sorry for myself.  I feel awful and guilty for feeling that way. 

I am thinking about looking into a counselor or something like that for some support this time around.  Anyone else find a counselor or support group to be helpful?  I wouldn't even know where to start...

taurus424

feeling for you. There are no words to describe the pain that everyone is feeling on this board. Today is my d and e and the only way i am getting in the car is medicated. sorry to say. But my baby died two days ago and she is still inside me...and that it so horrific for me to grasp. so today will be another rough day and i am certain that when i see the bleeding a whole new pandoras box will open up and begin again...it isnt until you see the bleeding that its officially done.

i am calling a grief counselor bc i know that otherwise this may spiral out of control for me. My DH is going to go too. He is just as distraught over the entire thing as me.

hope you find someone to lean on.

hugs

laurenac

taurus424:

feeling for you. There are no words to describe the pain that everyone is feeling on this board. Today is my d and e and the only way i am getting in the car is medicated. sorry to say. But my baby died two days ago and she is still inside me...and that it so horrific for me to grasp. so today will be another rough day and i am certain that when i see the bleeding a whole new pandoras box will open up and begin again...it isnt until you see the bleeding that its officially done.

i am calling a grief counselor bc i know that otherwise this may spiral out of control for me. My DH is going to go too. He is just as distraught over the entire thing as me.

hope you find someone to lean on.

hugs

I am so sorry for your loss. I will be thinking of you and your family today.

HadleyS

I am so sorry that you are having to go through this without your DH there.  I hope you two can call each other and check in on how you are both doing.  This is just awful, (((big hugs))) to you.  You might be able to fall asleep in a little while, but remember what your doctor told you especially since you are by yourself.  Mine said that if I felt dizzy or was soaking more than a pad in an hour to call/come to the ER.

Muffinhb

Im sorry you are having a not good day! And that you are on this board! As for a counselor i wouldnt know where to start. Maybe by asking your OB? My DH as already been able to move on which is so great for him. Im not there yet or no where close. If you would like someone to listen or vent to. I am more then happy to do that for you. 

You are much braver then I. i could not to is naturally that was so much more emotional for me to even thing about. i ended up with a d&c yesterday(it was the best choice for me)

Froggy76

I'm sorry you are at home alone during this.  I'll be thinking of you today.

I haven't looked into counseling, but when I had my D&E they sent me home with some information on how to find help.  Definitely try contacting your doctor's office to see if they have something similar.

laurenac

HadleyS:

I am so sorry that you are having to go through this without your DH there.  I hope you two can call each other and check in on how you are both doing.  This is just awful, (((big hugs))) to you.  You might be able to fall asleep in a little while, but remember what your doctor told you especially since you are by yourself.  Mine said that if I felt dizzy or was soaking more than a pad in an hour to call/come to the ER.

Thank you!  I am taking it easy.  Last night was really rough.  The cramps got so bad I started vomiting.  I was very close to going to the ER just because of the pain alone.  My last miscarriage was more like a heavy period because I was only 4 or 5 weeks.  This time, even though I am only measuring about 5 1/2 weeks, I'm wondering if it will be heavier because it was that much longer.

I passed about 4 decent size clots, just wondering if I should expect more.  I have a follow up appointment next week with a new doctor, as I was having some concerns with my most recent one.

Since our situation seems similar and I know you experienced having a natural miscarriage, I was wondering if you could offer any insight to how your bleeding went.  You could private message me if you feel comfortable sharing.

Thanks again for your support!

laurenac

Muffinhb:

Im sorry you are having a not good day! And that you are on this board! As for a counselor i wouldnt know where to start. Maybe by asking your OB? My DH as already been able to move on which is so great for him. Im not there yet or no where close. If you would like someone to listen or vent to. I am more then happy to do that for you. 

You are much braver then I. i could not to is naturally that was so much more emotional for me to even thing about. i ended up with a d&c yesterday(it was the best choice for me)

I am sorry for your loss, too.  People like you make it easier to go through.  My DH is also doing much better than I am.  I am happy for him and it helps me feel a little better.  I was feeling worse when I saw him upset, because even though I knew it wasn't my fault - I felt like I let him down.

I wouldn't say that I am braver than you.  In fact, part of the reason why I didn't opt for a d&c was out of fear.  I think that every woman, no matter what they chose or go though, is brave when going through a miscarriage.  ((((hugs))))

nickirossandcats

I think every person in this board understands your pain. I miscarried Tuesday night and cried more than I ever thought was possible yesterday. DH called me first thing in the morning and guess what? Cried again. 

It's a really upsetting thing. I'm sorry your DH wasn't able to come home - is there someone nearby that you can visit so you're not alone? A parent, aunt, really close girlfriend who knows what you're going through? I was sure not up for visiting yesterday, but I need to find a way to get out of the house for mental health's sake.

I was actually thinking of calling up my old therapist that I haven't seen in a while to vent. Look in your insurance info about therapists that are covered (if not on insurance, check https://therapists.psychologytoday.com/rms/prof_search.php to search in your area based on price and grief specialization). I know the last thing you want to do is re-hash the pain. But I think it will help you to let go.

xo

laurenac

Froggy76:

I'm sorry you are at home alone during this.  I'll be thinking of you today.

I haven't looked into counseling, but when I had my D&E they sent me home with some information on how to find help.  Definitely try contacting your doctor's office to see if they have something similar.

Thank you.  I didn't even think about calling the doctor for a reference.  You are also in my thoughts through this difficult time.

HadleyS

laurenac:

Since our situation seems similar and I know you experienced having a natural miscarriage, I was wondering if you could offer any insight to how your bleeding went.  You could private message me if you feel comfortable sharing.

Thanks again for your support!

No it's okay, talking about it is strangely therapeutic.  Everyone's situation is different, but here's how mine went down.

Very small amnt of brown spotting Dec 24-30, nothing that would alarm anyone

Dec 31: red spotting and doctor visit revealed only a gestational sac.

Dec31-Jan4: red spotting and cramping, not too terrible, but cramps were stronger on the 4th.

Jan 5:  severe cramps beginning at 4am and ended up going to ER at 7:30 because I got dizzy and almost passed out.  I had a few clots then and I suppose by about 9:30 or 10:30 I passed a large amount of tissue (thinking of comparing it to something, okay, this is gross, but it's all I could come up with, It was about a half of a hot-dog size and maybe had a clot attached to it or the sac (which measured 22cm on Dec31), I'm not sure).  It was kind of white and spongy, and my husband is a doctor and said that it was probably the endometrial cast.  The doc confirmed in an u/s about an hour later that I must have passed everything with the exception of a clot or two.  My husband said that the cramping is what is going on when the tissue is dying and the endometrial cast is preparing to exit your body.  I didn't actually feel a thing when I had passed the tissue, all of the worst cramps were before that.  I had regular AF cramps after that.  I had what seemed to be a regular period up until yesterday, which was my first day of no spotting.  I did, however pass one small clot either late Jan 11 or early Jan 12, but definitely no spotting after that.

I would say that my experience was quick and relaIitively moderate on the pain scale.  If I knew ahead of time that it would feel exactly like this, I would be okay with a natural miscarriage.  I was scared, but it really wasn't that bad.  Severe food poisoning that I had in the past was way way worse.  I told the doctor that the highest number I would have given would have been a 6 or a 7.  I do remember thinking to my husband though "if a miscarriage feels like this, I am gonna need some coaching for a natural childbirth".  He laughed about it and said teased about getting an epidural some day when we are ready to give birth.

The doctor said that we could TTC again immediately.  I think she said this because there just weren't any complications with the miscarriage.  The hospital and doctor lableled it a "spontaneous abortion."  I hope that you find all of this information to be helpful and I hope that you do not find yourself in too much physical pain.  For emotional pain, I really looked to my husband for support and found great comfort in him and had plenty of help from the bump.

kthappy76

I'm so sorry for your loss.  You should not feel bad for feeling sad about what is happening to you.  It's just awful, and they don't prepare you for how bad it hurts your body or your heart. 

I definitely reco talking to someone.  I went to a support group last weekend (which was good) and am thinking about sitting down with a therapist one on one.  It is so hard to be alone, my DH was out of the country when I miscarried and I wanted nothing more than for him to be with me.  I hope that you can both take time out to help you heal.