Intro and need a little advice

silverrose43

Hey There,

My name is Kristin and I am new to this board. I was posting on the Pregnancy Loss board for a while but stopped.

My husband and I have just started the adoption process. We have always discussed having one biological child and one adopted child. we feel that there are so many kids in the world who need parents and we really want to help. The biological child is not coming easy so we have begun the adoption process. We are filling out a mountain of paperwork and getting ready for the homestudy process. 

We decided to tell our parents what we were doing. My husband's parents are over the moon excited and super proud of us. My parents however are a different story. We told them and they were on board for literally ten seconds. Then my father, who is a retired state trooper, asked us if we had actually put any thought into the adoption. He said in his experience most don't work out well, which is weird because two of my close friends growing up were adopted and the happiest girls I knew. He said we would end up with a "psycho toddler from the Ukraine," even though we told him we were doing domestic infant adoption. He then refused to speak to us for the rest of our visit. I told my sister what happened and she was horrified. She assured me she would love any child I had, adopted or biological no matter where it came from. She talked to my parents about what happened and my mother told her that my father is "having a rough time" and that our announcement was "not needed."

I am so baffled and hurt by this turn of events that I don't know what to do. My husband and I have not changed our minds at all but don't know how to proceed with my parents. I can't believe that they would try to make us feel bad about something we are so excited about. I don't know where this negativity about adoption is coming from and I feel that they are being so insensitive. They are making this whole thing about them, when it should be about us having a child. I wanted to include them in the process and put pictures of them in our scrapbooks we will be sending out but now I just don't know what to do. Has anyone else had this happen?

Sorry for the longwindedness. Looking forward to being a part of this board!

 

Sunny1s

Welcome to the board.  I'm sorry to hear that your parent's reacted in that way.  Hopefully some time will allow your father to come to terms with whatever image of adoption he has.  While our families were all on board and excited, they really didn't know a thing about adoption, the process, and what to expect.  We gave them a book to read.  On their own time.  It actually helped to bring up some good questions that we could talk about together.  It also helped to reinforce some positive language and helped to answer some of the more simple questions they had about adoption.  It's just a thought, but maybe get him an Adoption for Dummies - flag the domestic adoption part, include a letter about how important this is to you and how you hope that he will read this and consider it.  You will have to wait for him to do this on his own time but maybe it will get the ball rolling and he'll know you are serious about it.

I hope this all turns around for you.  Continue to be excited!  Good luck!

MrsKolasa

So sorry that you have to deal with that. My husbands family had a hard time at first, we gave them some time and then actually had a nice little email thread about it. I was really hurt at first, but they were really just naive about the whole process.

There is a book called "In On It" that is written specifically for family members. Check it out. Maybe they need to get some facts from an outside source.

Good luck, and welcome to the board!

koda927

Sorry to hear that your family reacted this way but please don't let it discourage you. While we didn't have any insensitive comments made to us I found that our families really had no idea what we were doing or what the adoption process was about. They had fear of the unknown and this is what your dad might be experiencing. Like PP said maybe you should provide materials for him and let him come around on his own time.

Wish you the best of luck on your journey.

Dr.Loretta

I"m sorry you got such a surprising and hurtful reaction.

I worried that MIL would react negatively, but she was suprisingly happy about things. While I was in my worrying phase, an adoptive parent reminded me that grandparents may need their own time to grieve the loss of a biological grandchild. There's also the fear of the unkown, and I've found that relatives on the outside of the actual process tend to overblow any news articles they read/hear about adoptions gone wrong, and hold onto misconceptions for a while (my mom is still weirded out by the whole concept of open adoption). Could it also be that he has had some negative experiences with adoptions or foster care as a state trooper?

I don't know what kind of relationship you have with him, but it might be worth it to have a one-on-one with him, tell him how hurt you were by his reaction, and ask him if there's a reason for his behavior. Especially if it's not normal.

silverrose43

Thank you guys for the great advice. I have Adoption for Dummies so I'm going to try to see if he will take a look at it. I'm hoping with time he will come around. I'm not sure what my mother thinks, she won't ever speak out against my father when he is around and she has made no effort to talk to me on her own. At least my in laws are excited and can give me a positivity boost.

smith486

I am so sorry they reacted that way. I am sure your dad is thinking about every bad experience he has ever seen related to older child adoptions and foster children.

Honestly, I have never heard anything about an infant adoption not going well. Of course I am also not seeking out that information! 

mysticl

Like a couple of other people have mentioned I wonder if your dad had to respond to domestic situations involving foster/adoptive children in the line of duty.  When I worked in foster care I had to have my foster parents call the police several times. In my experience police do not enjoy foster care calls.  I had an officer call me at about 10pm one night when I was on call and demand that I remove a child from their foster home because the police were tired of responding to the run away calls.  Your dad's job has probably only given him one view of how things work.  Give him a little time and see if he will open up more about his concerns.  Then explain to him how you are looking at a different type of experience than the ones he has seen.