Anyone feel like it didn't even happen? (Warning DS pic/ticker)

Manderlin923

Honestly, I am so all over the place emotionally. One day I'm great, the next day I get sad for no reason and then I get angry at myself for not "staying positive" or getting over things quickly enough. I know it hasn't even been a month but in some ways it seems longer. Sometimes I feel like this has all been a bad dream or I feel numb like it never even happened.

Does anyone else feel like they're one step forward, two steps back? I have been working so hard in all the areas of my life, my work is going well and I am very motivated and been keeping up on house stuff and writing my novel and even losing weight (whooo!) but then I have days in a row where I just feel empty. I don't know how to move past this or even allow myself to be sad. I am just so upset that this happened to me (again, for one thing) that I feel the more I dwell on things the more sad I get so I might as well just try to forget it even happened. I dont ever want to forget my baby (babies, actually) but I don't want to remember that I LOST it/them, you know???

Sorry, I know this is a nonsense vent but I just need to hear that I'm not totally nuts and that someone out there understands me because nobody irl knows what I'm going through. I feel like I have to be so strong, not because of what anybody else expects, but because of what I expect from myself. I feel like if I don't think about "it" (it being the loss, the fact that I was ever even pregnant) that maybe it didn't happen...

pnkfaerie

after losing my son at 23 weeks, I was able to wear my jeans the next day...It was the most painful thing ever... If made it feel like it didn't happen.

Fallon621

Hun please dont be angry at yourself for "not being positive"  you do not have to be right now.  You need to grieve, cry, scream and kick whatever you want to.  And yes what you are feeling is completly normal for going throug such horrible losses.  Since I see you are writing a book, have you ever thought about theraputic (sp) writing?  ya know just writing down how you are feeling.  HTH

ohbabyoh

I absolutely understand what you are feeling.

I am up, and I mean UP some days and getting things done and feeling positive, productive, almost happy

Other days I have anger/sadness/guilt and other horrible feelings that are triggered by the most random things, but they stop me dead in my tracks and just break me down.

It's hard because physically, I actually feel like "it didn't happen".  AF just came and is actually fairly normal compared to pre-preg AFs, which is not what I expected at all.  Routine is back in play after the holidays and I'm trying to live life with nothing but a few weeks of 'memories' to show for of my pregnancy.

It really sucks.

HadleyS

Maybe your numbness is how you are dealing with it.  Kind of a purgatory-land, I feel like that sometimes too.  I agree with PP, you obviously have a gift for writing, so you could definitely find therapy in writing about this, even if it's exactly what you just wrote, that  you feel numb and that you don't want to think about your losses.  I am sorry that these terrible things have happened to you (((hugs))).

MrsAtch

I have days where I want to scream "Don't know you know I was pregnant! I had a baby growing inside me!"- at work, at home, in the grocery store, etc. Because I don't have a big belly or a baby to carry around I feel like people are forgetting (or in the irrational times like the grocery store, that they will never know that I was going to be a mom). It's hard when the rest of the world is moving on to feel like your LO is remembered. We still talk about it every day but I know that there will come a time when it won't come up. I don't think it's something you ever forget- but eventually it fades a little bit, and the raw, overwhelming pain subsides a little. I think that's okay- for me it's healthy to want to be able to move forward.

AJG2009

Everyone copes differently, and you're not nuts.  {{{HUGS}}}

I think part of the fear of having another loss for me is the emotional aftermath.  The first two set me back a good six months each.  I was really down and felt like nothing in the world mattered.  I gained a lot of weight, and just disconnected from everything except DH.  I am really worried about dealing with this loss, because I was further along and much more connected to this pregnancy than the first two.  The logical part of me says to really focus on getting super healthy and to take the time to do some other things with DH, but I really just want to crawl in a hole.  

Pixiestx

I'm here lurking on this board today b/c with my due date coming up at the end of this month (again) I've been thinking more and more about my pregnancy and the baby I lost and how I can't even remember what it feels like to be pg. People don't really want to talk about it, like my mom hasn't said anything for over a year, so it does make it easy to feel like it didn't happen. When I start to wonder why I'm having a hard time, I pull out the u/s pictures to remind myself that yes it did happen and what I'm feeling is to be expected. 

I delt with the loss at the beginning using a combination of trying to stay positive, block it out, and move on to TTC again as soon as possible.  I thought that I was still going to meet that baby one day, so I didn't really lose out on having that person in my life, I was just going to be delayed in meeting them.  That wasn't such a great strategy b/c with the idea now that it might not happen, I realize I am feeling the loss all over again. 

I think remembering is necessary for healing, but of course our heads can't let us feel that way every single day since it would just been too hard to function.  ((hugs))

Manderlin923

I'm so sorry for all your losses and thanks for responding so kindly. It's so nice knowing I'm not alone in feeling this way.

 

BarooGirl

Wow, it is nice to hear I am not the only one feeling this way.

I am up some days, then I feel guilty for being happy and that maybe I didnt grieve long enough. And some days/moments I am sad and feeling bad that I am still sad.

And yes, somedays I want to tell random people that I was pregnant.

Somedays I just dont know how I feel.

A coworker with a previous m/c gave me the best most comforting talk one day. She said that "however you deal with this is the right way for you. It is YOUR pain and you can do with it whatever you want to. Dont feel like you have to feel any certain way, they are all right"

I remind myself of this talk often.