Losing Touch with Friends-Especially Singles

Fitmama7

Hey ladies.  I had already noticed my best friend slipping away after I got married. However, when she knew I was trying for children, she has been MIA. Another one of my single friends who knew we were trying has recently stopped answering texts and hasn't been there for me lately.  I've only told one friend that I'm pregnant, and she has kids, so she totally gets it.  I'm feeling kind of isolated from all of my other friends lately, especially since I am not telling others until the 12 week mark.  Anyone else feeling this way, especially with their single friends?

Fisherman'sWife

I think this totally will happen. I am already being separated a bit from even other couples that still want to go out drinking/partying all the time.

brockli

Yes I completely agree!  DH and I were talking last night about how most of our friends are already slipping away.  We made the pregnancy announcement at Christmas and since then I spend most of my time alone when I am not at work.  It is very frustrating and makes me sad.  I am still the same person I was just can't go out drinking. We have 2 couples we are close with and they stay in regular contact but that's about it.

lob

I'm sorry your going through this.  I think because I am older (30), and my friends are too, they all think this is the natural time for it. Most of my younger friends also seem to think this is the right time for me.

 

nickirossandcats

YES!! 

I'm 27, but seems like the DH and I are somewhere else than our friends at this point in life. Our most settled of the friends hasn't moved out of his mom's house yet. 

When I told my best friend, she said "oh. I didn't realize you were trying." - followed by a two-day silence where she told me that she cried to her mom about why two of her friends are having kids when she doesn't have a boyfriend yet. I would have cried myself about how she turned it into all about her if I hadn't expected the attitude. 

I have a feeling that 2011 is really going to show who my real friends are. At least I've got sisters who understand...

Fitmama7

nickirossandcats:

I have a feeling that 2011 is really going to show who my real friends are. At least I've got sisters who understand... 

Absolutely!!!   

meganjane86

We're worried about this- most of our friends aren't anywhere near getting married, having kids, etc. But we have a really tight group, so I'm hoping that we stay that way.

Also, I still totally plan on going out for girls nights- I have just as much fun dancing sober as I do when I'm drinking! And once the baby gets here, DHs perfectly fine staying home if I want a night out with the girls- likewise, I have no problem being at home for an afternoon while he has band practice. I think it's all going to be about balance...

cozylittlecave

nickirossandcats:

YES!! 

I'm 27, but seems like the DH and I are somewhere else than our friends at this point in life. Our most settled of the friends hasn't moved out of his mom's house yet. 

When I told my best friend, she said "oh. I didn't realize you were trying." - followed by a two-day silence where she told me that she cried to her mom about why two of her friends are having kids when she doesn't have a boyfriend yet. I would have cried myself about how she turned it into all about her if I hadn't expected the attitude. 

I have a feeling that 2011 is really going to show who my real friends are. At least I've got sisters who understand...

I'd give your friend the benefit of the doubt. The only people who are going to be as thrilled/interested as you are about your pregnancy are you, hopefully your DH, your OB, and likely your mom/sisters (and us here on the bump lol). Try to put yourself in her shoes. For someone SO far from where you are in life, it's a little harder to get so thrilled about it. It's also a big fat reminder to her of what she DOESN'T have (as it sounds like she even told you). I would never expect my friends who aren't in the same position I am to be excited about the pregnancy. Happy for me? Of course. But I know I'd probably have a hard time swallowing the feeling that my friends were moving on or passing me by in life. It's natural for them to want to cling to people in the same situation they are.  And you never know... they might feel just as much that you're drifting away from them. As long as you don't burn any bridges or get in any nasty fights, a really strong friendship will endure- even if it's on slightly different ground than before.

meganjane86

nickirossandcats:

When I told my best friend, she said "oh. I didn't realize you were trying." - followed by a two-day silence where she told me that she cried to her mom about why two of her friends are having kids when she doesn't have a boyfriend yet. I would have cried myself about how she turned it into all about her if I hadn't expected the attitude. 

Wow. She gave you the silent treatment for getting pregnant? I mean, I understand not wanting to talk about it all the time- I try not to do that to my friends who don't have babies on the brain- but, not talking to you at all? I'm sorry

bhw5660

Fitmama7:

nickirossandcats:

I have a feeling that 2011 is really going to show who my real friends are. At least I've got sisters who understand... 

Absolutely!!!   

Remember: friends are here for a reason, season or a lifetime.

You are right...these life changes (marriage/babies) show who you can really count on.  After marriage, I moved away from people who I thought were my friends.  Not only do we not talk as much but they also will not come out to visit.  They always tell me to let them know when I am in their area.  Not sure why it is ok for me to travel but not for them.  It is only an hour and half. 

I am sure I am going to have friends who are going to drop off but we also have friends who have children already so hopefully we will be able to lean on them.  I also have a friend that I told who is excited for me.  And the love of family (your sisters) is always a plus.

SarahPLiz

I am actually one of the last of my friends to get married and have babies, so I am having the opposite effect. I am turning from the eternal babysitter to an equal, and I like it!

seanandcallie

I was never a real go out an party girl before I was pregnant, so in some ways I've become more social. We try to have dinner with our closest couples a few times a month and playdates with those who already have children. 

livinreality

This happened to me, but the fun part was I reconnected to some of my friends who were already moms.

emd2887

I remember my mom telling me when I was in grade school that friends come and go, but family is forever. At the time I thought she was nuts (especially because I'm one of four siblings, and they can still drive me crazy) but the older I get the more I realize she was 100% right. My best friend from h.s. only texts me sporadically, and whenever I am back in our home town she is always too busy going out clubbing to hang out with me. Several other friends are also starting to slip away. Probably doesn't help that I'm the first one of my girlfriends to get married, and that we moved from the city to the suburbs this summer. We haven't told anyone yet, but I imagine that more people are going to go MIA when we do. Makes me thankful that I have my sister, my true BFF, to talk to always, even though we're 1000 miles apart. 

BetsyDavis

Unfortunately I went through this with DD so this time around it's not so bad. But  have lost few friends that I was really close with. It sucks but I understand were at different places in our life's and their lifestyle doesn't fit with mine anymore and vice versa. Most of my friends that I talk and see  now are the ones with children or trying. Otherwise out of the ones that have slipped away a few stay in touch every now and then on fb and one the one friend that hurt the most has met my daughter a few times(some effort she even came to my shower which I did not expect at all since she hadn't been talking to me). I hope one day we will be close again and I'm sure when they settle down or have kids we may. Try not to focus to much on it it's not worth it and it will only bring you down when you should be excited and getting ready to meet the other love of your life. I'm a strong believer in things happen for a reason so if I lose a few friends it's worth it for my babies. GL

JKH033

I totally feel that a lot of my friends are backing off.  I even feel isolated from my friends who already have kids.  I hope that once we are at 12 weeks and telling everyone, it will be a little easier.  Also my plan is to sign up for prenatal yoga so maybe I can meet more people in the same position as me.

callen3

Speaking from experience... you WILL "lose" a lot of friends. But you will also gain friends with each new chapter in your life.

If you choose to be a SAHM, it gets quite lonely. The professional world goes on without you and, while your friends still love you, they have other things in their lives. You won't. The best thing to do then is to join a playgroup... even when the baby is little.

Don't take it personal. And don't burn any bridges. You'd be amazed how many of those friends re-enter your life down the line.

Augustmama1113

Yes, I think we will all go through this in one form or another. Most of my friends are married and pregnant, but my DHs friends aren't married, let alone thinking about kids. I can see him having a harder time.

But like PP said, you may have a lot of friends re-enter your life later on.

Hang in there.

SethandMelissa

I agree 110%. I'm 25 and the first of my friends. We haven't announced it yet. It can feel terribly lonely at times and that's why I like having the bump. I don't know how our friends will take the news. I've been growing apart from my best friend for about a year now because of a guy she's choosing to date. He's a belligerent drunk. In any case, the one friend we did tell has been incredibly supportive and I'm so happy with her! It'll all set out.

MissLMS

lob:

I'm sorry your going through this.  I think because I am older (30), and my friends are too, they all think this is the natural time for it. Most of my younger friends also seem to think this is the right time for me.

 

This. When I had DD I was 27 and we were the first in our friends group to have a baby. Before that, all the couples would get together several times a week, the girls and had girls night, the guys had guys night, etc.

After DD, all that changed. It was lonely at first, but now two more girls in our group have had babies or gotten pregnant. Everyone is growing up.

BK33

I kind of expected things to change when I got married.  Luckily many of my close friends are married so I have lots of girls to talk to but they all live far away.  One of my good single friends is having a lingerie party for her birthday this weekend and she was not pleased that I refuse to wear lingerie.  My lingerie is for my husband only and it's not appropriate anyway because I'm pregnant.  she doesnt get it!

Matt Dvorak

I'm 28, DH is 31 - many of our friends are slightly older than us and a bunch of them have a couple kids. I do have some single friends who are still at more crazy periods in their lives - but we've been more the type of friends who go to lunch than friends who go out at night anyway b/c I have turned into a morning person over the past couple years.

My thoughts - people go through different life stages at different times. Sometimes people become too different to hang out as much as they used to - and that's ok. We have every right to decide we want to be pregnant now, and our friends have every right to want to go out clubbing until 2am on the weekends.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Cilley

We got married and had a baby before our 1st anniversary.  I felt our single friends and some couples without babies were slipping away.  Now I have to really try to go out and meet my single girlfriends.  Most of the time DH and I are at home with Bebe.  Feel like we have really lost touch. And it is so hard to find couples we can hang with. It is like dating all over again with a twist, I have to get along with the mommy/wife and DH has to get along with her DH/daddy.