Explaining death to a child

EliseB0323

I need some perspective from those of you who have had to explain a death to a child. My FIL is in hospice care and not expected to live more than a few days. DS is 6. I think he gets the basic idea of death and understands that when someone dies they aren?t sick anymore, but we don?t see them anymore.  Their ?soul? goes to Heaven, and their body is buried in a cemetery where people can go to remember them.

What I am struggling with is how to explain to DS what happens physically to someone when they die. He will want to know about this, because he?s been asking questions recently about how things work and why things are the way they are. FIL will likely simply go to sleep and not wake up, but I?m worried that if I tell DS this, he will be afraid to go to sleep. I would appreciate any insight from those of you who have dealt with this.

mylove2005

Why my situation and yours are completely different.  My mom passed away right before DD was born.  She also knows that my mom was sick and that she has died and is no longer sick and is in heaven with god.  We go to the cemetery every month.  She has also asked why we come here to remember grandma if she is up in heaven and is a star.  I told her that this is a place that people can all come to remember her and that we have this special spot for her and anyone else we need to remember .  I have also told her this for my aunt that recently died and is in a different cemetery.  I dont know if this wold work where your son is a little older but for now this is what is working in my house

AnnapolisLari

I didn't want DS to be afraid to sleep, either, so I told him that when people are very sick or very old, their bodies wear out and just stop working. Their hearts stop working and they don't need to breathe any more.

We said the same thing about the soul and the body. I told him that a cemetery is a place where people's bodies are buried, and we put up stones to remember them. We went to visit my grandparents' graves, and I let them see the names and play around the stones so they know it's not a scary place.

Now when we pass a cemetery, he says "look at the stones, just like Baba and Papa's!!"

None of it seems to have scarred him.

cbidt*sgirl

DO NOT EQUATE DEATH WITH GOING TO SLEEP.  Caps intended. My idiot husband did this, after I specifically talked about it.  I couldn't believe my ears.

 My elder son is 4, so your conversation will likely be more sophisticated than mine (my gma is dying, so we've been talking about this too).  I try to talk about it with very little emotion now, so that he can have his own feelings rather than mine.  I have told him that when people get old their bodies wear out and somtimes drs. can't fix them so they die.  When people die we can't see them anymore. ( We believe in heaven) so I have told him that you go to heaven when your die, but that it is not a place you can go visit or come back from (he asked those questions).  Regarding physical stuff - he had seen skeleton decorations at halloween and has some books about dinosaur bones so we've talked about how you don't need your body in heaven and the bones are all that are left over.  We have not broached the burial subject yet. I'm hoping to avoid it.  He's taken it all in stride.

DandelionMom

Stick as much to the truth as possible.? When we had a family member die of heart failure we explained that her heart got very sick (different from the kind of sick kids get) and stopped working.??

docmay25

I agree that you should not talk about him going to sleep.  We, unfortunetely have talked to ds about death since he was a toddler because we lost his twin brother at birth.  We used to keep it simple, but at age 6 he asks more questions. 

Our situation is different becasue I was explaining the death of a baby (which brings so many more questions and confusion) But basically what we have said is:  he died because he was sick (we actually don't really know but you could say this because you do)..

...not the kind of sick like when you get a cold (inportant so that he doesn't think if he gets a cold or sore throat he will die) .  When he dies we believe that his spirit went to Heaven and that he is an angel up in Heaven.  This is why we do things like put an angel ornament on our tree or leave special things at the cemetary. 

There are books about death and Heaven (if that is what you believe) and it might help to find one to read to him.  It is a difficult topic to explain. 

melmax

I have no real experience with helping you out, but I just wanted to give you another perspective different from the OP's.  My mom told my DD about her beloved dog. Ava went on to ask a bunch of questions, and asked what happened to her. My mom said she died, and they buried her in the ground. I had no knowledge of that convo.  About a month later at bedtime, DD tearfully told me she didn't want to go into the ground when she got older. You can imagine my perplex, as I had no idea where she was getting this from. We talked about it for about 20 minutes, and she brought it up again the following night, and I somehow managed to calm her fears.....but the idea of being put into the ground terrified her.

winomom22

Do not explain it in terms of going to sleep, because you are right, then he will be afraid to go to sleep. I would be honest. Tell him that when people get really sick or very old, they die and when you die, your heart stops beating and you stop breathing. I would try to use as simple terms as possible. Sorry to hear about your FIL.