Question for those with babies/toddlers & school-aged child

DeeandBrad

DH and I have been discussing spacing of our children.  We have 2 under 2 right now and I love the spacing but don't think I could add a third into the mix for a while.  We are debating on the spacing for our next child and I think that waiting until our LOs our in school would be the best so I could focus 100% of my attention on the newborn.  I am nervous though at how receptive a school-age child will be to a sibling.  With our LOs there has never been any jealous because DD doesn't remember not having DS around.  

What has been your experience with a newborn and school-age child?  Do you think the spacing is to far apart?  I also worry about the huge age difference making the new baby feel left out since DD and DS are so close in age. 

I know spacing of child is an individual decision just wanting to hear others experiences.  Most of my family/friend's children are spaced at a maximum of 4 years so I really don't have a reference. 

Thanks

ali-1411

There's 6.5 years between DS and DD.  Its been awesome.  There weren't any jealousy issues from DS when his baby sister was born.  He could understand when he'd have to wait for something because I was busy with the baby.  He's been awesome at helping since the day we brought her home.  I used to worry that they would never be close because of the age gap but they absolutely adore each other.

The hard part was starting all over again.  Everything was easy with just having a 6 yr old.  He could get himself ready for school in the morning, we could sleep in on weekends because he'd get himself some breakfast and watch cartoons.  And then we go and have another baby.

I don't know how you do it when 2 under 2!  How do you deal with a toddler nagging you for something while you're trying to feed an infant?  It boggles my mind

DeeandBrad

ali-1411:

I don't know how you do it when 2 under 2!  How do you deal with a toddler nagging you for something while you're trying to feed an infant?  It boggles my mind

Having 2 under 2 is not as bad as most would think.  There are times when I am in survival mode, but I have a lot of family support for those times when I am pulling my hair out.  I am very lucky because my DD and DS are both pretty laid back kids.  

 

sweetie0228

I'm 2.5 years older than my brother, 7 years older than my next brother and 14 years older than my sister.  We are all very close.  I consider all of them my best friends. 

My sister is 6 years older than my DD.

 

hokies94

DeeandBrad:

ali-1411:

I don't know how you do it when 2 under 2!  How do you deal with a toddler nagging you for something while you're trying to feed an infant?  It boggles my mind

There are times when I am in survival mode, 

Survival mode is how I spent the first 6 months of DD#2's life and it wasn't fun (my first two are 21 months apart). This is exactly why we waited almost 4 1/2 years after having DD#2.  DD#1 was 6 and DD#2 was 4 1/2 when DS was born. I could not imagine having a third any sooner. 

My girls absolutely love their little brother.  There have been no jealousy issues from either of them.  They are actually a big help with him.  DD#1 can help get me diapers, entertain him for a few minutes and is overall a huge help with him.

The girls are both is school all day so I get to spend all day with DS-makes me feel like he's an only child some times.  I love that I get to enjoy the baby time again. I really didn't get to do this with #2 since we were in survival mode most of the time.   

I really love the spacing we have now.   

neverblushed

My kids are almost exactly 4 years apart, and I LOVE it!  DD was in preschool 3 mornings a week when DS was a newborn.  By the time he turned 1 and started walking, she was in 1/2 day kindy.  When he was 2, and needed me to watch him like a hawk, she was in school all day and I could give him  nearly undivided attention.  So, for my relationship with the kids and my ability to give them good, solid parenting, it's been great.

However, there are drawbacks to spacing children further apart:

I left teaching when my oldest was 3 and was not able to go back to the classroom for 6 years.  It's been a major disruption to my career.  I wouldn't have it any other way, but if I'd had my kids 2 years apart, I'd have been back to work much sooner.

The kids are not really compatible playmates for a long time.  My kids didn't really interact much until DS was 4 and DD was 8.  Right now, they play together like best buddies.  But this window of school-aged compatibility will be closing pretty soon as my DD gets closer to the teen years. 

shouldbworkin

I had 2u2 and purposely tried to space things out so that at least #1 would be in elementary school by the time #3 came around.  Right now, having a 3 and 5 y/o is very manageable, but we don't do any activities in the evenings - only weekends since DH isn't around to help (long commute, late evenings). 

I have a sister who is 6.5 yrs younger than me and an older who is 3.5 yrs older.  Growing up, I was not close to my little sister.  So, I worry about that with spacing, but for now, it's out of my hands.  I just sometimes think it wouldn't be fair to #3 to be so far apart in age from #1 and #2, who are fairly close.  But, it was definitely easy on my parents to have a baby and 1st and 3rd grader.

I do have to say, though, the older my 2 get, the harder it is to think about going back to diapers.  Sometimes I wish I'd just had 2u2 again and gotten it over with. 

david_n_cole

My DS1 was 4.5 when DS2 was born.  He was old enough that he understood about being a big brother and about the changes that would take place, but he is special needs and as he was an only child for a long time is something we are still working on.  I think most of that stems from his personality rather than an age difference.  We chose to wait a while between the boys because DS1 took/takes so much energy  that I don't think I could have done a little one any sooner than we did.  We are expecting DS3 and I don't think there will be any problems with playing or age differences.  DS2 and DS3 will be barely  two years apart  (two weeks more if all goes according to plans), so they will be able to play together much like your DS1 and DD1 will/can/do.

I do know my DH had a similar situation to yours in that his brother and he are less than a year apart and their mother had a third boy much later on (9 year difference). While they are all friends, I think that my MIL had issues starting over again when the third boy arrived because she had the other two boys in school and some of her independance back and had to start over.

IMO, I don't think I would want to wait much more than 5 years before having the next child.  We plan on having our fourth and final child 2-3 years after DS3 is born to keep them close together and so that I can finish my masters program and really start my career. GL in your decision. It is definately a personal one.

mrs.dovey

My boys are 10 years apart.  As far as with each other they are great!  The baby loves his older brother and vice versa.  We didn't have any jealousy issues.

My issues:  Our 10y/o plays a lot of sports.  Football, basketball, baseball.   We go year round with sports.  So when the baby was 2 months old baseball was starting. That means cool night practices and rainy game days.  It was very hard because DH works a lot so it would be me and baby sitting in car while practice was going on.   If they would have been closer together it wouldn't have been as hard.   We have delt but at the bab?'s loss.  he has been sick several times from being out in cool/cold weather.

ETA:  It is also challenging helping with 4th grade homework while taking care of the baby.

jamie.renee

My first 2 are 2 years and 2 weeks apart.  I love the spacing, they have always been super close and still rarely argue or anything.  My third came later since my husband was deployed for 15 months then it took almost a year to get pregnant.  When she was born my second was almost 5 and my oldest almost 7.  I really like this age gap as well.  My second was in PreK at the school so it was just me and the baby for a few weeks before they were out for the summer. My older girls adjusted very quickly and still are head over heals with their little sister.  It was tough at first because 5 nights a week we were at basketball or gymnastics and my husband was in Iraq so it was all me.  It worked out fine though, she was a super easy baby so it wasn't a problem bringing her to all of the school and after school activities.  The only thing that I didn't like was that when my second was in kindergarten I couldn't go help out in the room as much like I did with my oldest.  They didn't want siblings there and with my husband not being around I didn't have a choice.

DeeandBrad

Thanks everyone for the comments.  It really helps to hear how things work for others.  After I got reading the post I got to thinking that my sister and I are 6 years apart and we are best friends now.  Growing up we didn't have anything in common but as adults I can't imagine my life without her.  I really want my snuggle time with my next LO which is driving our decision to wait.  I know with 2 children at home all day I will not be able to just focus on a new LO. 

Erina1004

We have an 8 year span between our 2.  It wasn't done by choice, I had unexplained secondary IF.  DD wanted a baby brother or sister so bad, so she was really receptive to it and she is a big helper!  Also, now that she has a baby brother, all of her friends are jealous of her real live baby doll and want their mommies to have another baby!

mama.bear

We've had an equal number of losses and blessings. Turns out I never had any control in the matter. I'm content with how everything has worked out with pretty big gaps between each child. Life is busy and a whole lot of fun!

 

shopgirl78

Ours are 25 months apart and then 27.5 months apart (essentally, the same).   I loved the spacing from 1-2.  I thought the transition to two kids was piece of cake.   I really loved the spacing. No jealous and they are so close.  I can't imagine one without the other.  Esp DS1, he adores his sister and without her, he is a different child.  She gives him confidence.   He is much more shy and reserved when we just go to a friend's house without her.    The transition to three was much, much harder.  The logistics of three are much harder.   If we had waited another 1 yr or so, it would have probably been a lot easier.   It was nice that DD was in school FT when DS2 arrived but we she came home, choas began.  She is my easiest child too!  Having her in school saves a lot in daycare.  (She did public Prek 4).   All-in-all though, I wouldn't trade it for the world.  I adore DS2, love him and he wouldn't be him if we had waited.   I think things just work out no matter what you plan.   You do what you have too. 

heyitsme

My 2 are a little over 6 years apart and there are no issues at all with jealousy.

I will say, though, that I come from a family with similar dynamics as the one you're considering (older brother and I are 14 months apart... younger brother is 4 years younger than me and 5 years younger than older brother) and our relationship with our younger brother is not good. My older brother and I were BEST friends... so when he was born we were like, "What do we need another kid for?" We ignored him a lot. Or we used him to pick on. We ganged up on him all the time. And because he was younger than us and my parents saw how he was treated by us (nothing unusually cruel but he just wasn't "included" KWIM?) they tended to spoil him more, which caused more resentment... and it wound up feeling like we were just raised in 2 different worlds. And although we've gotten closer as we've grown up, there's still definitely a distance between my little brother and my older brother and I. 

AGmomof3

I have a 10 year old, a 7 year old and a 4 month old.  My older girls love their baby sister.  She wasn't planned . . . just a surprise, but she's been a blessing to the whole family.

My sibs are 9, 11, 13 and 14 years older than me.  I grew up almost like an only child.  However, now I'm very close to my oldest sister.  It was a bit lonely growing up, but I love it now.  Gobs of nieces and nephews that are older and my kids are the youngest and get lots of attention.  It took a generation to get to this place, but it's a very nice place to be!

SuzanneWABR

Our ds turned five the month before dd was born, and it was also the same month he was transitioning to kindergarten.  As excited as he was about his first (and only) sibling, he hated US for the first month after she was born.  My dh did everything to take him special places and I was picking him up from school everyday and making his favorite treats, etc. but he was visibly upset with us for a while.  He got over it as quickly as it started, just as our pediatrician reassured us he would. 

The reason we spaced them this way was because we both work and couldn't swing two in day care at the same time.  I enjoyed having an only child for a while and showering him with undivided attention but there are still some days when I wish I had them closer together. They actually play together now, despite the gender and age gap, but it can be tough at times because they are into totally different things, so we always feel like we have to be going in two different directions. 

I guess the long and short of it is that there are pros and cons to having siblings close together or spaced apart.  And you just hope in the end that they'll connect at some stage (even if it takes 20 years)!

 Suzanne, www.wearebothright.com