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Adoption
Disappointing Talk with Family about Open Adoption - need advice
Last night I had a very sad conversation with my mother about the openness of our arrangement with the children's BM. As background, we have a semi-open adoption that on paper requires us to send monthly updates and pictures to BM through the agency. BM has been interested in visits but due to the long distance and past safety issues that have existed, we decided to work together over time to determine how our relationship will evolve. It has become very healthy and after R was born, we started email communication on almost a weekly basis. For the first time a few days ago she sent us a digital photo album she made for our kids of their four brothers. (I had been begging for pictures for quite some time)
DH and I have also had a bit of contact with the BGM who our BM lives with. Over the holidays they expressed an interest in getting together when the kids get a bit older and sharing a holiday with both our families. (ours and birthfamily). This has caused DH and I to start thinking about timing of when it would make sense to travel, where BM is in her life (she is really turning it around), etc.
Last night I mentioned something to my mom about wondering if H will be too young in October to enjoy Disney. We were thinking of inviting BM and BGM to meet us at Disney. Out of nowhere my mother blew up over the idea of us introducing the kids to their birthfamily. There were a lot of nasty things said and false statistics formulated by her. When I asked her how much research she has done on adoption, specifically open adoptions, she admitted none. She is a social worker (not with children) and believes that her experience trumps mine I guess. Long story short is that I was very hurt by the conversation. Accused of wanting to introduce the children "before they can make their own choices" for my own benefit, not the children's or the BM. I was apparently making selfish choices. I'm a bit baffled right now and not sure where to go. My parents spend a lot of time with our children and I was shocked that she had the feelings but hasn't chosen to educate herself or atleast talk to me. We have not hidden the fact that we plan to get together in person in the near future from them. My DH believes that she is acting out of emotion based on stereotypes. While I have a much closer relationship with BM, DH has made huge strides regarding the openness and agrees that this is in the best interest of children. He admitted that putting up walls with BM when she has shown no reason to, will cause more harm to our children.
I guess what I'm asking is (1) has anyone gone through this with family and (2) are there any good resources that I can give to them to read? There was also some hesitancy from family when we told them that we would be creating a transracial family, but that quickly subsided.
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Re: Disappointing Talk with Family about Open Adoption - need advice
Your mother is most likely reacting out of fear. Fear of losing the children, fear of losing their love ( they'll like the birth family better), fear of BM causing you trouble, etc. It still stinks and her attitude is causing you trouble but it is sort of understandable.
We had some hesitancey about our children because of race/ethnicity but also because we adopted from foster care. Even though it hurt me and my DH, we realized that they were a little stand-offish because of the fear that they would get attached and something would happen to cause the children to not become part of our family. My parents were also concerned because of the perceptions of their generation that "black folks and white folks are different" There are cultural differences between races and ethnic groups but it isn't something that you can't over come with time patience and education.
I think the best thing you and your DH can do is establish some ground rules about how things are going to go for everyone involved. One of our BMs wanted to be invovled after finalization. We told her that since DS was only 2yo at the time visits would have to be brief and only about once a month, No overnight visits or visits without one of us, etc. Also that we were his parents and we would not tolerate intereference in our parenting and statements like they were his "real parents" etc. If every one knows the rules, it should make the situation a little more comfortable. I have to admit that there were family members that we didn't see much until their attitude improved and that included DH's parents and siblings.
PAL/PGAL Welcome
That really sucks. Clearly your mum is acting out of fear of the unknown. I would give it a few days, and then let her know that she upset you, and you are sending her some information you think might settle her fears. (The close the conversation until she reads what you send her).
There was some good information on openness in these two books "In on It: What Adoptive Parents would like you to know about adoption" and there is also "The Open Adoption Experience".
https://www.childwelfare.gov/pubs/f_openadopt.cfm also has some basic info.
Good luck.
The whole concept of open, or semi-open, adoption is still something my parents (at least what I hear from my mom) are trying to wrap their heads around. My mom will make slightly snarky comments or find weird ways to express her concerns when we talk about the openness of our relationship. We're meeting DD's BM, BGM, and BM's best friend on Saturday, and everyone is very excited about the prospect. But my mom keeps saying things like, "Oh, that should be interesting. I wonder how that's going to go." And will occasionally say things like, "I don't know how you're going to explain this whole situation to DD when she's older."
I'm trying to find a way to educate them without pushing it on them, and to show the positives of this relationship without being preachy. It's still a process. Then again, I gave them a copy of Adoption for Dummies when we first started out, and I don't think they read more than a bit here or there.
I read The Open Adoption Book by Bruce Rappaport, and remember liking it (though I don't remember much of the details). Maybe this would be a good starting resource?
Could some of your mom's concerns be stemming from the fact that there were past safety issues and she may not feel those have been overcome?
I also think open adoption is like infertility or miscarriage. Until you experience it yourself, you don't know what you are going to think about it or what you are going to do in any given situation surrounding the issue.
Also, it is always the adoption horror stories that make the news and I think that is where most people get their stereotypical attitudes about BPs.
PAL/PGAL Welcome
I agree with a lot about what has already been said. I am a clinical social worker and work with many other social workers. Assuming that you and I are in the same generation, I'm going to go on the fact that your mom and mine are similar in age too. When we began our adoption process, every single social worker that I mentioned it to that was in the same age bracket as my mom could not imagine that we would want an open adoption. All my friends that are my age and social workers just assumed that we would have an open adoption because it is what we were all taught most about in our schooling.
I was shocked when the older social workers thought closed was best. I'm just wondering if maybe the way social work was practiced when they were young and what they've been taught has something to do with it. I also agree that your mom is likely acting out of fear and possibly not wanting to include the other family as "family".
Just a few extra thoughts! I hope once she sees it all working successfully then she'll get on board!! I would ask her what exactly bothers her about the kids meeting and knowing their birth family and see what she responds. She may not even have evaluated her actual thoughts and feelings!
Thanks all. I agree with what you all have to say. I do think she is responding out of fear. She and I are very close (but do butt heads) and she is likewise extremely close to her grandchildren. It's been 35 years or so since she was in school, so I'm sure the difference in education plays a part. I recently made a comment about birthfamily being a part of our extended family. During our baptisms recently I also read the adoption poem about having two types of moms. Based on her comments related to me being their "mom" and that the kids won't understand who that other family is because DH and I are their "only parents", I think you guys are dead on. I don't think she has come to terms with the birthfamily being a part of our family.
She also told me that she believes I will do irreversible harm to the kids by confusing them. I explained that like it or not, the kids will notice on their own that they don't look like us. We are trying to explain things as honestly as we can. She didn't like that.
There was also a comment about me thinking BM is a goddess. That showed me that there are obvious jealousy issues going on. By no means do I think BM is a goddess, but we all make mistakes in life. I don't think that anyone will ever understand the connection that BM and I have as mothers. I think that there must be feelings that DH and I "saved these children" and that BM's punishment is to never be able to participate in their lives again. I'm starting to wonder if there is more resentment than I understood from them regarding R. If you guys weren't around a year ago, R was a very unexpected surprise and took a lot of thinking on our parts to agree to adopt her. We have had to make huge life changes to be able to adopt her - all of which were completely worth it. I wonder if she is still mad about that. Seeing it as DH and I taking on additional burden because of irresponsible decisions made by her. Just rambling...
Thanks all for the advice. We obviously have a lot of work to do.
I am sorry. This stinks. Like a mom of two needs any additional stress... esp from someone who is suppose to be super supportive. Moms/daughters... what complicated relationships we have!
I agree w/Dr L's recommendation on books. The Open Adoption Book by Bruce Rappaport, PhD read a bit like a text book or compilation of studies. It's easy to read but has lots of studies included. It changed how I embraced open adoption (alas, ours isn't the open situation I'd hoped for...).
Of course, if she already thinks she knows what's best, a book may not change her mind.
Best of luck... and a virtual hug from CA.
I like your "get on board or get out of my way" motto. In fact, I may have to steal it!
Btw, your baby girl is TOO MUCH! Adorable pic.
I like your "get on board or get out of my way" motto. In fact, I may have to steal it!
Btw, your baby girl is TOO MUCH! Adorable pic.
That's horrible, sorry to hear that your family is resisting open adoption. My own response to a conversation like this would be to try to educate, but also to be very assertive in your open adoption decisions. It is not an issue up for debate--YOU are the parent, and you are doing what adoption professionals have deemed most healthy for your children. Don't let your mother take control of the situation and think she has any say in the matter.
Our agency is completely open adoption and has been for decades. They made us read "Children of Open Adoption," which I didn't find too helpful because it was pretty dated. I read "The Kid" by Dan Savage and found it pretty useful for getting over my own open adoption fears, but it's pretty vulgar--which I of course enjoyed, but it's probably not the best choice for everyone! It was more an experiential, subjective account of one couple's open adoption experience rather than an informative study.
Surprisingly, my family did not have a problem when we told them we were set on open adoption. However, I suspect this is more because we're two men adoption than a sign of their own progressiveness. My uncle made a sincere comment along the lines of, "Well, that way your kid will have a mother!" Oh well.
I agree with Pink.
I also agree that The Open Adoption Book is a fantastic resource...especially if she has a SW background. The studies will all help a lot. For a more anecdotal resource that may touch her heart, you should pick up a copy of Dear Birthmother for her. That was what really opened our hearts to having a more open experience -- the letters and personal stories in the book are just fantastic.