second day vent (very long, sorry)

proudmommy2b

So yesterday was our u/s where all I found out was that my baby was not alive. The tech wouldn't or couldn't give me any concrete answers and my doctor didn't have the report yet. I was left to assume that I had had a second BO the way they were talking. My doc ordered hcg levels to get a base for watching the numbers go down. 

So I went home yesterday and cried all day. I couldn't do anything. I turned off my phone and couldn't speak to anyone (besides my mom whom I called immediately). My husband was with me during the u/s but had to go back to work (military) and of course worked late. He feels terrible he couldn't be there for me and even though I knew it was out of his control, I so wanted him to be with me. It just added to my emotional state.

There was no way I could not go to work today, I am a doctor and my patients were already without me for a week while I was away for Christmas. Plus, if my body decides to miscarry on a work day, I will have to miss time then. I work with a lot of kids and sure enough my first two patients were infants. It took everything I had to not break down. Life can just be so cruel sometimes. Of course I don't want to share my personal business with my patients so I had to put on the happy face even though I'm pretty certain I look like hell from crying for 24 hours. Then the other doctor I work with came in complaining about how much he hates moving and I just wanted to scream at him that there are worse things in life that one has to deal with. I hadn't even told him I was pregnant yet (I was waiting for that u/s). So I tell him that he may have to cover my patients for me depending on when things happen and tell him about the impending miscarriage and he asks me how far along. I tell him 10 weeks and he said, "oh that's not bad!" I seriously wanted to punch him in the face. He is a freaking doctor and those words actually came out of his mouth!

Two minutes later my doctor calls me back to tell me my hcg has actually still increased since my last reading and that she had the results from my u/s. I actually measured 8 weeks! Which of course made me have a glimmer of hope because I could've been off by 2 weeks. I always ovulated late. But she assured me we would have seen a heart beat if it was alive (and I on one level do know that, I am a doctor but I think I lose all my doctoring skills when it comes to myself). she also said my hcg would have gone up a lot more in the month it had been. I of course asked if my levels could be tapering off (as that is what they do around 10 or so weeks). Nope, I am just trying to hold onto something that just isn't. She then refers me to an OB to be monitored. I understand the referral as she is just a primary care but she specializes in obstetrics. I get transferred over to this doc who has no idea why I am being transferred to him. He just said it is normal to see someone weekly until things progress. He transfers me to his receptionist who tells me he is only in that clinic on Wed and he has no more appointments! WTH! So they are sending me to a clinic that is an hour away next week on a base I've never been to. The worse part, there is nothing he can do at that visit other than another u/s to tell me, yup still no baby and your body still hasn't recognized it!

 I am just so darn frustrated and mad at my body for still thinking I am pregnant. The doctors would prefer that I naturally miscarry vs a DnC because of the potential scar tissue it can cause. They don't want to cause any further fertility issues than I potentially already have. This waiting game just sucks.  I think I've gone from emotional yesterday to just plain angry today. 

Sorry for the long vent. I just had to vent it out or else explode while at work which isn't a good option. 

WifeyWynn0626

I'm so sorry for you loss. I had a D&C so, I don't understand the waiting game but my T&P's will be with you during your period of limbo. ((hugs))

Fallon621

I really hate seeing new woman on this board it is a very sad board to have to be a part of but I am glad that you found us.  I am so sorry that you have to go through all of this.  We are all here for you!

I do understand the waiting game.  My body did not recognize that my baby was gone either.  i was almost 11 weeks PG when i foind out that my baby had only made it to 6w6d and even after a week later my body was still not doing it on its own.  I really just wanted to start to process and have it done and over with physcialy so i had to take the medicine Misoprostol to start the MC and now alsmot a month of being in the ER and gong to the docs to have me levels checked my OB just scheduled me for a NnE on tuesday.  you are in my thoughs and feel free to PM me if you want to talk or have questions because i can totally relate to the waiting thing.