Having a bad night...can I vent?

StarlitRN

Sorry ladies but I have no one else to vent this too without getting tons of CIO advice

DD has always been a high maintenence baby....never STTN, needs constant entertaining, total mommy's girl. She has to be put to sleep by me (usually nurses to sleep) and will scream bloody murder if DH tries. She honestly screams bloody murder with him 75% of the time he has her. I know I've vented about it on here before and we have tried every trick in the book. Poor DH feels like a failure. I keep telling him that "its just a phase", "pretty soon she will be all about daddy"....blah blah blah, but I know he is upset about it. Tonight was one of those rough nights where she was awake 45 min after going down. I was eating so DH went to soothe and like always it turned into her screaming (so hard she chokes). I don't rush in there...I wait until he calls me or brings her out. After he finally gave up and gave her to me I could tell he was really upset.

We started talking and he finally told me that he is pretty much hating this parenthood thing. I honestly didn't expect that. He says he knew there would be crying (obviously), but he figured that he would be able to help...that his baby would "love their daddy". He feels like DD can't stand him. Part of this is just unrealistic expectations (that I didn't know he had) such as thinking that a sleepy baby would just go to sleep w/o crying. He is fine with rocking, holding, BWing her to sleep....but he didn't expect her to fight it so much.

He then said that he wasn't sure if he could "do this again". Our plan has always been to TTC this spring (we wanted 3 kids total) and while he really doesn't want DD to be an only child he is dreading the idea of having another kiddo. This breaks my heart! He is an amazing daddy!! I don't have the issues with DH that I hear so many mom's complain about....he gets up in the middle of the night w/o a complaint, changes diapers when he is home, takes the baby in the morning so I can sleep in, does dishes/laundry/cleaning. He is so good with DD.....yet all she does is scream.

I think the final blow came this past weekend. We have always joked about how DD will say Da-Da first (like all kids!) and I know he was secretly looking forward to it. Some sign that she knows/loves him (at least in his mind). Well damn if she didn't start attempting Ma-Ma! It comes out more like Ma-Mo....but she only makes the sound when looking/reaching for me. The pedi thought it was funny that she is going with that as her word! If I say Da-Da to her (to teach her) she just starts laughing.....but when I say Ma-Ma she stares intently at my lips and starts moving hers. Just another blow to DH.

DH is asleep now and DD is asleep on my shoulder. I feel like crying. DH was so looking forward to being a daddy...and he loved having a little girl (daddy's girl). This is definately not what he was dreaming about. He is taking DD to a gymboree class tomorrow so I can get some cleaning done. I'm going to try to talk to him in the morning.....but to be honest I don't know what to say. I know she "loves" him (as much as she "loves" anyone at this point)......but I can see how it kills him that she is miserable with him.

Ugh! This is not the happy family we dreamed about when we got our BFP

KateLouise

That's really tough.

From your post it sounds like your DH is very hands on and willing to help. I wonder, because you didn't mention it, how much "fun" they have together like the thing they're doing tomorrow, do they do a lot of that?

Does DH play with LO as well as do the nappies and the cleaning etc etc? 

Also with the word thing, maybe reassure him that LOs go through phases with a new word/skill. Our LO said Mama first and it was the only sound she'd make for days/weeks. But lately all she wants to say is Dada. I hardly ever hear her say mama. 

Do the three of you interact together? Whoever is putting LO to bed, always takes her to the other one to say goodnight. I normally make a game of LO kissing DH. Because I'm cradling her I can swing her in to kiss daddy. So it's like a last little positive moment for the three of us together.

Also when we're playing, or if we go for a swim together. We pass LO back and forth between us, pull silly faces etc etc etc.

LO was in the shower with DH tonight and I cam and hung out and talked and laughed with them for a bit before they got out.

So I guess my thought is maybe encourage DH and LO to have play time just the two of them, and also have playtime with the three of you so that your LO sees how pleased you are when you're all together.

As your LO gets older it will get easier and easier for her to interact with your DH. he will get to love her more and more. When our LO was 8mths and waking through the night and I was exhausted, the idea of another child horrified me. Now I can't wait. 

Que*Syrah

KateLouise:

That's really tough.

From your post it sounds like your DH is very hands on and willing to help. I wonder, because you didn't mention it, how much "fun" they have together like the thing they're doing tomorrow, do they do a lot of that?

Does DH play with LO as well as do the nappies and the cleaning etc etc? 

Also with the word thing, maybe reassure him that LOs go through phases with a new word/skill. Our LO said Mama first and it was the only sound she'd make for days/weeks. But lately all she wants to say is Dada. I hardly ever hear her say mama. 

Do the three of you interact together? Whoever is putting LO to bed, always takes her to the other one to say goodnight. I normally make a game of LO kissing DH. Because I'm cradling her I can swing her in to kiss daddy. So it's like a last little positive moment for the three of us together.

Also when we're playing, or if we go for a swim together. We pass LO back and forth between us, pull silly faces etc etc etc.

LO was in the shower with DH tonight and I cam and hung out and talked and laughed with them for a bit before they got out.

So I guess my thought is maybe encourage DH and LO to have play time just the two of them, and also have playtime with the three of you so that your LO sees how pleased you are when you're all together.

As your LO gets older it will get easier and easier for her to interact with your DH. he will get to love her more and more. When our LO was 8mths and waking through the night and I was exhausted, the idea of another child horrified me. Now I can't wait. 

i'm so sorry you're dealing with this!

I agree with all of what  katelouise said. we had this struggle too, and honestly part of it was me not allowing dh and ds to bond in their own way, and part of it was dh still being a nervous new parents and another part of it was just a phase. now ds is all about dh even though he works a lot and i sah with him.

once dh started taking ds out to do fun stuff or getting down and playing with him, things got a lot better. they just needed time the two of them to have fun and play without me around.

pinkpajamapants

its a hard time, but she is 6 month old. She is moving more and becoming more aware of surroundings. So, she will start to cling more to you for the next 6 months. Make sure, they have fun together and find something that only he can do. My DD went through that phase were she only would go to sleep with me, then it was DH for 7-8 months and now its only me for the last 3-4 months. Can you all cuddle together on the bed at bedtime and you include him in it? You nurse he reads stories? etc?

webMistress0609

I would definitely get him involved in routines & activities with you like the pp suggested. I can totally sympathize - Ari is a total mama's boy too. DH is a SAHD, &  Ari has had an easier time of it since he turned about 9 months old, but it was really rough before that. Ari has never really been a good sleeper either, & DH was more than willing to help, but Ari would just lose it. Once he turned a year, that got a lot better too.

Hugs mama. And don't worry about the "no more kids" comment right now. Both DH & I have said that & gone back to wanting another one 57696947 times since Ari was born. 

someflower6

my heart goes out to your hubby (and you too, since i know the situation is upsetting you). i can only imagine how he must feel, as if he's being rejected by his own daughter.

according to my parents, when i was a baby i was very put off by my father. i would cry when he'd try to hold me. i would cry when he'd try to feed me (bottle). i would cry when he'd make funny faces at me. in short, i wanted very little, if not nothing to do with him. it broke my dad's heart.

as the story goes, one sunday i was sick and as my family was preparing to go to church, my dad volunteered to stay home with me. he said by the time my mom got home, he and i had become friends.

obviously i was too young to remember this, so i don't know what happened or how exagerated the story has become. but i do know that to this day my dad remembers a time when i did not "like" him. he said it lasted for a few months-- maybe until i was 9months old? i can not even imagine such a thing considering i remember being a daddy's girl all my life. he's been one of my closest, bestest friends and he remains so until this day.

all i can say is this parenting thing does not always turn out to be the way you expected. i'm sorry your husband feels like he is being rejected and has second thoughts about having more kids. but i have a feeling that this really is just a temporary phase. being a dad (and a mom) can be a thankless job sometimes and it is SO hard when you feel you're not getting the recognition you deserve from LO. but please don't give up hope... daddy and baby have a lifetime of bonding ahead of them. in the long run, this will be but a mere speck of time.

Quazel

webMistress0609:

I would definitely get him involved in routines & activities with you like the pp suggested. I can totally sympathize - Ari is a total mama's boy too. DH is a SAHD, &  Ari has had an easier time of it since he turned about 9 months old, but it was really rough before that. Ari has never really been a good sleeper either, & DH was more than willing to help, but Ari would just lose it. Once he turned a year, that got a lot better too.

Hugs mama. And don't worry about the "no more kids" comment right now. Both DH & I have said that & gone back to wanting another one 57696947 times since Ari was born. 

All of this applies to me as well except DS will only go down for me at night.

Crazy question but does your DH have facial hair?  I have heard of a lot of babies who don't like the feel of facial hair or they get totally thrown off when their fathers change their facial hair.

Otherwise, I think you got a lot of good advice with play time and realizing this, too, shall pass.  I am so, so sorry.  I can't imagine how upsetting and hard this is for you.  I remember telling DH I wasn't sure if I wanted another baby.  When he agreed, I felt like he stabbed me in the heart and I was the one who brought it up in the first place.  We have gone back and forth a million times since then.  I hope things get better soon, your poor DH!