DH Just Said We May Have To Discuss Other Options

patchen30

An IRL IF friend of ours who's 37 just got KU from IVF - not sure how many she did.  DH asked if I was OK and I said sort of, and then I asked him and he said he's getting more and more frustrated and the past 6 weeks have been hard b/c we've been at a standstill, and that if this next cycle doesn't work we may have to discuss other options.

I feel sick to my stomach and don't even know what to say.  I'm not opposed to other options, but I'm not ready to discuss them now b/c I'm not ready to give up on a bio child.  Especially since I just got KU. 

I just replied to him that I have more hope now that I got KU.  I don't even want to get into the conversation about other options b/c I'm just not ready.  DH wrote back and said he agrees he has more hope now too. 

This is what I live in fear of - DH pulling the plug. 

WDYT?

njohnson1972

***ticker warning***

 

Patchen, our stories are similar in this aspect.

IVF #1 - BFN - we decide to do one more before moving on to DE.

IVF #2 - m/c -  now we got a taste of having a baby with both our genes - decide to give it one more shot before moving to DE - need closure.

IVF #3 - canceled - protocol instructions given to me were incorrect - RE gives me a free cycle since he knew this cycle was an attempt at closure before moving to DE.

IVF #4 - BFP - still can't believe it.  And to think that if #2 would have been a BFN, I would have moved on to DE.  

Sometimes I do regret not doing DE still.  But that is mostly to do with issues with my age.  I worry that this baby won't be healthy - all of those eggs we retrieved and I only got one to make it this far.

It is hard trying to decide what is right for you.  I can tell you that 4 cycles in 10 months has worn me down and aged me way beyond my AMA!  You will know how much you can handle, how much your DH can handle.  For me, I was really tired of the heartache and very ready to move on to DE.  If we didn't have a free cycle for #4, we would have done DE.

carlatron

I worry about that too, though we're going through the Canadian medical system, and therefore waiting waiting waiting. We have enough insurance to do 3 IUI's, then we're OOP. He said we'd try one IVF if the IUI's don't work, and then we'd be done.

 

I don't know if he'd actually stick to that, but I think about it often. 

 

Have you looked into pricing for adoption? I have no idea what it costs, but I know it's a lot. I suppose it's not so much of a gamble, although it is to a point. Do you think that the price is his main concern, or is it the stress you both go through when cycling?

 

I'm crossing my fingers for you that your next IVF works out. Though I'm not an avid poster, your name has always stuck out for me. I'm rooting for you over here. 

patchen30

njohnson1972:

***ticker warning***

 

Patchen, our stories are similar in this aspect.

IVF #1 - BFN - we decide to do one more before moving on to DE.

IVF #2 - m/c -  now we got a taste of having a baby with both our genes - decide to give it one more shot before moving to DE - need closure.

IVF #3 - canceled - protocol instructions given to me were incorrect - RE gives me a free cycle since he knew this cycle was an attempt at closure before moving to DE.

IVF #4 - BFP - still can't believe it.  And to think that if #2 would have been a BFN, I would have moved on to DE.  

Sometimes I do regret not doing DE still.  But that is mostly to do with issues with my age.  I worry that this baby won't be healthy - all of those eggs we retrieved and I only got one to make it this far.

It is hard trying to decide what is right for you.  I can tell you that 4 cycles in 10 months has worn me down and aged me way beyond my AMA!  You will know how much you can handle, how much your DH can handle.  For me, I was really tired of the heartache and very ready to move on to DE.  If we didn't have a free cycle for #4, we would have done DE.

See, I would be more prepared for DE than for adoption, but DH is opposed to DE.  I guess I should just be glad he's not opposed to adoption.

patchen30

carlatron:

I worry about that too, though we're going through the Canadian medical system, and therefore waiting waiting waiting. We have enough insurance to do 3 IUI's, then we're OOP. He said we'd try one IVF if the IUI's don't work, and then we'd be done.

 

I don't know if he'd actually stick to that, but I think about it often. 

 

Have you looked into pricing for adoption? I have no idea what it costs, but I know it's a lot. I suppose it's not so much of a gamble, although it is to a point. Do you think that the price is his main concern, or is it the stress you both go through when cycling?

 

I'm crossing my fingers for you that your next IVF works out. Though I'm not an avid poster, your name has always stuck out for me. I'm rooting for you over here. 

I haven't looked into pricing for adoption.  I'm not sure whether he said that b/c he's stressed about the finances or just sick of the disappoinment and frustration, but considering what prompted him to say it (someone else getting a BFP), I would guess the latter. 

I don't know how much he means it and how much he's saying it out of frustration.  Like I said I'm not opposed...I guess I'm just not ready at this point.

Rachael07.07.07

I fear this too but slightly reversed. In our situation, DH is the one pushing for a biological child more than I am. I was ready to start the adoption process after our last failed IUI because in my mind, I want to be a mother. I figured that for me the important thing was that we are parents and we could always revisit cycling after we adopted. Once DH was faced with this, his true feelings came out and he isn't ready to give up on a bio child just yet, even if I'm just postponing trying for one, not giving up. So I'm cycling for him for the most part. We don't have unlimited funds to keep trying so I'm slightly bitter that all the awesome tax credits for adoption expired at the end of last week with the new year. I just hope you and I can move on from IF soon and we don't have to worry about this anymore!

Anasara

I'm kind of in a different situation b/c I've been ready to pull the plug on a bio child for a good 6 mos now & we've not even started IVF.  I'm basically doing IVF b/c DH is nowhere near onboard the adoption train yet.  I've always been fine with adopting but never discussed it with DH before we saw an RE; being only 29 when we started trying 2.5 years ago & having regular cycles I never thought I'd have an issue getting KU.  Little did we know...

We haven't even crossed the DE discussion bridge yet.  I honestly don't know how I feel about that & I don't know what DH would say.  All I know is these discussions are conversations most of us never planned on having to have & I think that's what's the most painful for everyone.

steveandkim2

We just had the same conversation in our house over the weekend.  You're not alone!  I found out that DH wants to move to adoption now.  I never think about how hard the IVF cycles are on him.  He's tired of seeing me heartbroken and he said there is nothing more devastating to him than not being able to "fix this."  We're still in the "I don't know if this will ever work" stage and OOP and he doesn't want to continue to pay for cycles if we can't get an answer and then not have the money for adoption if that's the road we need to take.  He's comfortable with doing FETs with the embies we have because they're cheaper, but I have a feeling its going to be a long conversation if those fail and we need to move on to IVF#3 or DE. 

As a compromise, I agreed to begin researching adoption while we're doing our FETs and getting a second opinion.  In fact, we have a call on Friday with the agency one of my friends used to adopt her son.  I really hope that our FETs work and we don't need to use the information, but the biggest thing for us is that we're getting tired of waiting, so we want to get the ball rolling and gather all the information we can!  We're also a little older (I'm 35, DH 39) so time is really a big factor for us!

Big Hugs and I hope your next cycle brings your sticky BFP!   And its great that your DH is willing to talk about things and options!

Mr. & Mrs. Woodtick

We had a very similiar conversation last week as we are just about to begin our first IVF cycle. After our consult when we went over the cost with the coodinator MH determined that if this didn't work we were going to have to visit our other options. Before we decided to try IVF we discussed other options but our problem is that we don't agree on what those options should be. I'm okay with DS or DE but MH isn't.
I agree that this is so hard because it is something that many of us didn't think we would ever have to discuss. I really hope your next cycle is your cycle.

jehnm

I'm coming from a different place, but first I just wanted to say that the adoption tax credits are still in effect and actually it's a tax "refund" up to 13,000 until the end of 2011.  Hopefully they will once again extend them even after 2011. 

We decided to pursue adoption along with fertility treatments back in February of 2010.  At one point I was very firm that I wouldn't adopt.  We haven't tried one IVF yet, but we do think we will sometime in the next year or so.  We are going to try a couple more IUIs with injectables early this year.  I will say that getting ready to go into my cycle I am much more relaxed because we are on the waiting list to adopt.  We had the option to care of a family members child from birth for a few weeks back in November.  At that point, any small question of loving an adopted child enough was put to rest.  We grieved when we had to give that child back to her father and we were completely bonded with her really quickly.  We would still love to have a biological child, but at this point we just want to be parents however it happens.  I just wanted to say to you guys the same thing someone said to us when I was in the same place, just because you choose to adopt doesn't mean you have to completely give up on ever doing another fertility treatment. 

DH and I have grieved the possibility of never having a biological child, but we'll be thrilled if it happens.  We'll also be over the moon if we are chosen to adopt! 

Good luck!

dolphinsmakemesmile

Hey there. Ugghh, IF is so frustrating on so many levels. I would definitely be hopeful that you got pregnant. I think your DH is also very afraid of you miscarrying again. My DH only recently told me that. I never realized how much my m/c tore him apart as much as it did me since he was so busy being strong for me. Have you two discussed this with your RE together? What helped us was when our RE sat us down together and said we need to focus on the positive. I got pregnant and there is no need to think it won't happen again. Miscarriage unfortunately is always a chance, but I do not have any extra likelihood that it will happen again. Triploidy (my specific loss) is very rare to happen twice. While there are no guarantees, this helped us to get on the same page. It's never easy for us IFers, huh? ((HUGS)). P.S. Sorry about the formatting. I'm bumping dorm my iPad.