***
Just a reminder - the Nightly Confessions post is not so much about
what you are doing this evening but more to confess something that you
did today that you wouldn't tell anyone else.***
"I'm not telling you it's gonna be easy. I'm telling you it's gonna be worth it." -Art Williams "Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity. And I'm not sure about the universe." - Albert Einstein
So a little back story. We found out I was miscarrying on 11/12. My best friend since middle school had her first baby on 11/23. Thankfully I was in TX visiting the in laws. We live in PA and I was supposed to be in the room. So she lives two hours away from me and I haven't seen him yet. Texting about him is hard. She just texted me about how amazing he is and how he changes everyday and how the whole first month has been a blur. And I understand all of that, but I feel like I have to keep her at arms length. I mean, I haven't even seen the baby yet? That seems crazy. We're like sisters. I feel guilty about it, but angry too. It sucks. I gotta finally see that baby.
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I've been so moody lately ~ have been having a tought time and taking it out on my husband. It'a hard for me to talk to the new friends I've made up here. I'd rather talk to my friends at home - but then I would rather be at home drinking wine with them while we talk. I just want my body to get back to normal. Gaw, 6 - 8 weeks until af is stupid and 4 - 6 weeks until O is really stupid.
I stayed in my PJs all day and slept on the couch until DH's uncle came over at 6 pm.. (still in my PJs but I am more presentable with my contacts in and my hair brushed..)
I've been looking for all sorts of things online regarding baby today...
I am calling my GYN tomorrow to see if I can go ahead and get in before May to see what I can do about starting fertility drugs.. I'm just tired of feeling like it's never gonna happen.. that getting pregnant Ducky was a fluke.. that I'll never get pregnant on my own.. I'm just ready to move on..
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I'm pissed that I have to go back to that hellhole I work at tomorrow and its putting me a foul mood. I'm also uber depressed about having to wait an extra month today and when I told DH we had to use a condom he got all pissy so I kind of let myself go before he even got the condom on... and then I might have told a little white lie about it when he asked cause well jeez... he needs to get over the condom thing already, hopefully its only a few more weeks... and I think I deserved to have the big O since I will be Oing shortly and not getting to make use of it. I'm selfish but meh. whatevs.
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I've eaten cake at every meal. In fact my entire day's meals included:
Breakfast: Pumpkin cake + snap peas
Lunch: Artichoke dip, chips & cupcake
Lunch 2: Mac & Cheese, cupcake
Dinner: Pumpkin cake. Guess I should eat some more snap peas for a little balance!
I also spent an hour going around the house labeling light switches with my new labelmaker. Plus lots of other stuff (including DH's lunchbox, keycard...you get the picture). DH might just kill me when he gets home tonight!
I tortured myself by looking at my pregnant FB friends' profiles, including the girl who's due the same day I was. Her cute belly made me want to punch someone.
I also started lurking on PGAL the other day and fantasizing about joining that board.
And I went to Trader Joe's tonight and bought their last bottle of my favorite beer. I intend to drink it tonight, since I'm only on CD8 and DH isn't home. Young's Double Chocolate Stout is the best beer in the world.
Congrats to both my TTC buddies, Amberley18 and sb2006 on their beautiful babies!
DH and I were joking around and he threw a pack of fruit snacks at the back of my head. I seriously started to cry, not because it hurt (it didn't), but because it startled me. I hid it from him. Lame, but I am plotting my revenge.
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I've made excellent meal choices today. I didn't eat breakfast. I had wings and fries for lunch. Around dinner time, DH and I went by Krispy Kreme (which has the best glazed doughnut in the entire world). I ate one on the way home and two with coffee when we got home. A little later, I ate my last coconut and chocolate covered strawberry and some chocolate chip/cream cheese dip. To top it all off, I just ate some spinach and artichoke dip!
"'My thoughts are nothing like your thoughts,' says the Lord. 'And my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine. For just as the heavens are higher than the earth, so my ways are higher than your ways and my thoughts higher than your thoughts.'" Isaiah 55:8-9
BFP #1 7/4/2010--Natural M/C 8/4/2010
BFP #2 4/25/2011 Please stick, baby!! EDD 1/1/2012
Forever Buddy to carrieandtim
My husband made me breakfast in bed this morning and while I loved the thought the food was no good so when we went to take a shower I threw it away under some other trash.
Re: *|*| Nightly Confessions |*|*
Ahhh! My favorite post of the day
I have been a raging b!tch all day. If I'm not happy...NO ONE else will be
Dx with Antiphospholipid Antibody Syndrome (APS)
BFP #4 5/14/12
5/17/12...1st Betas- 176, P4 3.6
5/22/12...2nd Betas- 207, P4 6.1 (MC confirmed)
I've been so moody lately ~ have been having a tought time and taking it out on my husband. It'a hard for me to talk to the new friends I've made up here. I'd rather talk to my friends at home - but then I would rather be at home drinking wine with them while we talk. I just want my body to get back to normal. Gaw, 6 - 8 weeks until af is stupid and 4 - 6 weeks until O is really stupid.
wow, sounds like want, want, want from me. sorry.
I stayed in my PJs all day and slept on the couch until DH's uncle came over at 6 pm.. (still in my PJs but I am more presentable with my contacts in and my hair brushed..)
I've been looking for all sorts of things online regarding baby today...
I am calling my GYN tomorrow to see if I can go ahead and get in before May to see what I can do about starting fertility drugs.. I'm just tired of feeling like it's never gonna happen.. that getting pregnant Ducky was a fluke.. that I'll never get pregnant on my own.. I'm just ready to move on..
I've been in my pj's all day fighting a migraine. Should have gone to the store but meh didn't do it. Oh and today is CD1... SCREW YOU AF!
I've eaten cake at every meal. In fact my entire day's meals included:
Breakfast: Pumpkin cake + snap peas
Lunch: Artichoke dip, chips & cupcake
Lunch 2: Mac & Cheese, cupcake
Dinner: Pumpkin cake. Guess I should eat some more snap peas for a little balance!
I also spent an hour going around the house labeling light switches with my new labelmaker. Plus lots of other stuff (including DH's lunchbox, keycard...you get the picture). DH might just kill me when he gets home tonight!
We'll always remember our angel baby: BFP 9/24/10, M/C 10/23/10 8w4d
I tortured myself by looking at my pregnant FB friends' profiles, including the girl who's due the same day I was. Her cute belly made me want to punch someone.
I also started lurking on PGAL the other day and fantasizing about joining that board.
And I went to Trader Joe's tonight and bought their last bottle of my favorite beer. I intend to drink it tonight, since I'm only on CD8 and DH isn't home. Young's Double Chocolate Stout is the best beer in the world.
Congrats to both my TTC buddies, Amberley18 and sb2006 on their beautiful babies!
"'My thoughts are nothing like your thoughts,' says the Lord. 'And my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine. For just as the heavens are higher than the earth, so my ways are higher than your ways and my thoughts higher than your thoughts.'" Isaiah 55:8-9
BFP #1 7/4/2010--Natural M/C 8/4/2010
BFP #2 4/25/2011 Please stick, baby!! EDD 1/1/2012
Forever Buddy to carrieandtim
My husband made me breakfast in bed this morning and while I loved the thought the food was no good so when we went to take a shower I threw it away under some other trash.