Only children - if you were one or decided to only have one
We're going back and forth on deciding if we want another baby. If we do have another, we want them fairly close in age which means summer 2011 we'll start trying again. DH wants just the one and I'm torn. I loved having siblings and want the same for DD but I don't want another because the first time around was way too easy (getting pregnant, pregnancy, labor and delivery, easy baby) so I'm afraid to try again. Stupid? Maybe but it's the truth. DH wasn't such a big fan of having a sibling but I think it's because he had a sister. Perhaps if they were the same gender they would have gotten along better? Not sure really...
So, if you decided to only have one kiddo, why?
If you were an only child, what did you like about it? What didn't you like about it? Do you wish you had siblings?
There are so many pros and cons to having one vs. multiple and we're on the fence. One day we're all "yes, let's do it!" and the next day we're all "no, let's just have the one and thank our lucky stars."
If you'd like to chime in on why you wanted multiple kids too, feel free. Thanks!
Re: Only children - if you were one or decided to only have one
I was an only child. My parents divorced when I was very young and remarried, but I didn't even have any half or step siblings. I have always had a very large extended family, so growing up I enjoyed the close girl cousins and thought of them as sisters in most ways. Even now I am close to them, but extended families have a way of breaking off in future generations and I am very sad to not have sisters or brothers now. DH has one brother who is in no way close to having a family, so I feel like we miss out on having cousins in DS' generation. Also, the idea of having to care for both of my parents (and my step parents) in the future should they ever have trouble caring for themselves is quite daunting since I am the only one.
This is really causing me to want to have as many children as we can manage (at most 3!). I know that lots of siblings don't get along, but I guess they can cross that bridge if we are able to have more than one!
As you know we have two and we had always planned for two...but now I want a third (or I have since I had Amelia).
I love the dynamic of siblings and in our case sisters. I have two brothers, one older and one younger. I'm close with both of them, but in different ways and I always wanted a sister. I only wanted two kids for a long time from the whole "he has one, I have one" management standpoint with regard to caring for them, putting them to bed, etc. When Amelia was little I realized that I wanted three and since then I've been trying to convince DH to jump on board with the idea...he's not completely open or opposed to it.
I was so worried about having another, about jeopardizing my relationship with Amelia (she was my sole sidekick for 2.5 years) and I stressed a lot about it. I am so glad that I have two kids and hope and pray that we'll have a third. I love a little bit of chaos though, I love to be busy and overextended...it's how I survive.
#1 was a super easy baby. super easy. I was scared what was coming with #2. Turns out that #2 was even easier. I didn't even think that was possible but I was blessed with two easy babies.
As far as different sex siblings....well, my brother is my best friend. We do everything together - vacations, dinner out, get together, shopping. We are 2 yrs apart and didn't get along great growing up but not we are really close.
My background: I was an only child until I was 10/11. When I was 10, my 1/2 sister was born but she didn't live with me and I wasn't close with my father/step mom. When I was 11, my 1/2 brother was gone. I left for college when he was barely 8.
Due to my own experience, I never wanted an only child. While my little nucleus was very close, I spent a lot of time lonely. I had cousins but they're not at home with you. It's not the same. I envied my friends with siblings, even when they were all at each other's throats. Now, as adults, those friends who used to fight like cats and dogs are all great friends with their siblings. Now that my brother and I are grown, we are very close and I know even more that I missed something by having us be so far apart in age. We were both more like onlies who became good friends later on.
With my sons, I know 100% we made the right decision for us. Would only having 1 have been the end of the world? Of course not. Do some only children grow up happy to be the only one? Sure, but I see how my kids get along and know that it is a special kind of relationship. Before Mathis was born, we took a trip to FL with Tru. He was just past 2. We had a great time but I remember thinking how much more fun he would have digging in the sand with a brother. I also thought (and I was right so far) how much better it would be for Daddy and Mommy to relax in a beach chair while our kids played, rather than having to entertain the kiddo or leave him to play alone.
My mother and her sister don't get along and are almost estranged at this point. Still, my mother would be the 1st to tell you that shouldn't stop anyone from having more than one. When my grandmother was dying for cancer, my mother was the primary caregiver but thank goodness for my aunt even if her contribution was small in comparison.
I also look at the next generation, my children's children- only children will not be aunts or uncles the way my brother is or the way I am. I love my nieces and nephews and having them has brought me even closer to my 1/2 sister.
Dh and I spent long months trying to get pregnant with #2 and I found iwth every negative test, I was less sad that it didn't happen. I have always wanted my child to have a sibling, but I was just so darn happy with our little beloved trinity that I was terribly worried of screwing up this good thing we had going.
But I love my sister, 6.5 years older, and love my brother, 12 years younger. my sister and I share a tight bond despite our age difference, and always have. I wanted my daughter to have that. When our grandparents passed, parents divorced, tragedy struck, well, my mom is not a comforting person, so my sister and I look to each other. we are, and always have been, the rock on which the other one leans.
I knew I had to have 2. now three....we learned with my brother, that 2 gang up on one. didn't like that dynamic so much. so we will stop with 2.
I know Isabelle would have flourished as an only child, but I am so excited to see her as a big sister, I know they will be wonderful together.
and I'll admit it. I hope and pray she has a sister. if for no other reason than I adore mine. I'd love for her to have that too.
This. I am bookmarking this post for sure!
I am an only child and am a bit jealous at those who have siblings. I always say I wanted an older brother but by the time i came around it was too late.
Of course being an only I got all the attention and more opportunities than if i have siblings also due to the fact that my parents were pretty much separated since before my birth (Dad was a drunk deadbeat) so i was raised in a single mom household. I definitely wouldn't have gotten to do all the traveling and such that I did had i had brothers or sisters.
That all said, i still wish i had someone that could assist with my mom and not put all the pressure on me. It would be nice to have someone that could share in all the growing up memories and the like, but alas.....
Dh has 3 younger sisters...much younger. The oldest will turn 20 in April and Dh will turn 34 in June. I think he acts more like his sister's parent , than brother. I'm sure he would have liked having a sibling closer in age.
We would like 1 more more child and have pretty much agreed on starting the "process" this year. I didn't really want them this close in age, but I'm pushing 40 and have been advised not to wait much longer by my OB/GYN.
Ours is a bit different. I would like another one but due to our age(we are both 40) then it is one for us. Aslo, if we had another I would want to stay home and I could but then we could not do all the activities for Tyler and enjoy traveling like we do plus my SS is going away to college soon.
But keep in mind that I have a 14 year old SS that lives with us so I really have 2.
But, know in 4 years or so that my SS will go away to college so it is almost like Tyler will be an only child then.
I say have 2 if you can. I love having a sister. She is my best friend and we got along great growing up.
Do what is best for your family though as everyones situation is different.
I am an only child.
If you were an only child, what did you like about it? I do not really know how to explain it but I feel special because my parents tried so long to have me. It took them 12 years. I also feel like a equal to older people and talk to them as I would a peer because I was always around older people. Sometimes it is a good thing other times not so much. I feel I have a closer relationship with my parents since I did not have a sibling.
What didn't you like about it? My mom was a SAHM so I was never really exposed to other kids until kindergarten. I feel I lost out on opportunities to build my social skills. I also always felt alone and still do but I think that would not be the case if we had other family in the area; which we did not. Now that I am older, my parents health is failing and they did not save for retirement so all of that weighs on me. I also do not understand the dynamics of a sibling relationship and I am always fascinated by it.
Do you wish you had siblings? Yes, I wish I had a sibling but I may have rose colored glasses perception of what having a sibling is. I always thought of it as someone always being there for you: My Rock. Someone to help with my parents aging and lack of retirement funds. Family that is always there to grow old with.
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I am an only child and I will not have just one.
I LOVE being an only child but only because I am spoiled when it comes to my parents love and cannot imagine them loving someone else as much as they do me. I am literally their life and I think if another came along when I was above the age of 10ish I would have been very jealous. Even now. I know this sounds selfish...but it's the truth. If I were to have had a sibling at a young age though I would have never of known the difference.
I also love that I am incredibly close with BOTH of my parents. We got a lot of quality time together when I was younger. Just me and them. I went on vacations with my Mom (and still do). My Dad regularly took me to the Zoo and to walk on the Beach etc....He still takes me to the farmers market almost every weekend. I will always remimber those times and cherish them a lot. If you look at it the other way though, if I had ended up with a sibling those are still things we could have done together with the sibling and it would have been nice too.....just not as personal as the one on one time.
The CONS and reason I will not have just one.....
Holidays, I feel very obligated to be with my parents on the holidays, almost all day. If I am not there, who is? I literally make their holidays. This is hard now with a spouse and a second family to be with. Luckily DH is one of three and is very understanding and actually loves being with my parents on holidays. We split the days up but usually do end up having a little more time with my side.
Another self centered reason...think about when I grow old. I will not have that companionship of a sibling when my parents are gone. Sure I will have my kids, but they will be going on with their own lives, still young (with their sharp minds). What if my husband were to go first? When you are elderly sometimes your kids/grandkids just aren't on the same page as you anymore. Lots of older people remain close with their siblings. I will never have that. I don't want my kids to ever have to grow old alone when their kids are living there own lives, if their spouse should go first. With a sibling you have more of a chance of having life long companionship, usually unconditional.
I will have no nieces or nephews from my side. Thats okay though because I have DH's
Should my parents ever need to be cared for when older I'm on my own.
My father is an only child and now that his parents are both gone and his aunts and uncles are also passed, he doesn't keep in contact with any of his cousins. Mom and I are all he has, it's a little sad..
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My hesitation with #2 is that I do NOT have a good relationship...actually no relationship...with my sibling so I know that there is NO guarantee that a second child will be DDs best friend forever. It's such a tough decision I think, especially when you feel that your family is wonderful with just one child.
I was an only child for 14 years, when my mom had my little brother. She says she feels like she has two only children. I tend to agree with that assessment - it's hard to be close to a 16-year-old boy at this point in my life. However, I very much look forward to when we are both adults and can relate a little better.
I do feel like I missed out on a lot by not having a sibling anywhere near me in age. At the time I didn't notice or care much, but looking back, I can see it. And I am so glad that it won't be just me when my mom gets old and starts to need help. My friend was an only child, and when his mom died, and he had to deal with absolutely everything on his own, he vowed that he would have at least two kids.
An only child can undoubtedly have a very fulfilling childhood and life beyond that. I was so ticked when my brother was born because I liked things as they were. I had lots of friends and was always able to bring a friend on trips or fun outings - I'm sure that wouldn't have been the case if I had a sibling.
In my opinion, the benefits of having a sibling outweigh the benefits of being an only child. A sibling goes through virtually all the same things you do. That person can understand your upbringing and family dynamics in a way that no one else can. I realize there are no guarantees that you will get along, but most of my friends are at least somewhat close to their siblings now. I am certain that none of them would wish to be only children!
When I was 30, my brother was 19. I loved him very much but we had no relationship to speak of. When he went away to college, I think he started to understand me for the 1st time. I had already been through the life he was having but he only really "remembered" me from around the time I was a college kid. By the time he graduated, we talked more than ever and now that he is 27, we are very close. He adores (and spoils) his nephews. I used to feel like you, like we were both only children in a weird way, but now that we are older, we are more like siblings than ever and I know we will always be close.
I know people who aren't close with their siblings or even have bad relationships with them (like my mom) but I would say that is maybe 1out of 10. 9 out of 10 have great relationships and it also seems that the more siblings, the better they get along. The ones who don't get along as well, there are usually only 2 kids.
Hey P, I have asked this question a few different ways in the past. When I've asked in other places, female only kids tend to say they missed having a sibling and guys are really mixed on the topic. I know lots of guys who were fine as onlies and/or wish they were onlies.
I know Maddie will be very sad and disappointed if we never give her a sibling. It weighs on my mind a lot because we simply cannot afford it right now. And I'd love to have her in dance and gymnastics and a lot of extra curriculars my parents could never afford. I think that if DH cooperates we will have a second child and Maddie won't have most of those luxuries, and I think she will be a-ok with it because she yearns for the closeness of a sibling. I'm kind of tearing up thinking about how she plays with her friends' little siblings and then pleads with me to give her a younger sister.
I also think this is the last year I do one of her all-out bday parties because they aren't cheap and that money could go in a future baby daycare stash, ha!
If I could be a stay at home mom, I would have a second child for sure after the feedback in this post and others I've posted. I'll see if I can find them so you have that much more info.
Here is another post where some people responded on a similar topic:
https://community.thenest.com/cs/ks/forums/thread/43428558.aspx
- Paula Deen to 104.1 KRBE's Producer Eric 9/17/2011
My husband is an only child. After falling so hard for our first child, I wondered if a second would ruin things a little. Although I always wanted more than one when decision time came I worried about losing our idyllic family dynamic.
When I approached this with my husband, he said he felt strongly that being an only child is lonely, lacks connection, and he would hope we'd be able to do better for our son.
My husband grew up without the shared memories me and my siblings take for granted. He sees that and has a great appreciation for it. He knows his years overseas would have been easier with a companion. For a lot of reasons, he felt strongly that we should try.
We did. I now love having two boys. They are very different people, but they enjoy being brothers. I hope they'll always have that. We'll do our best to guide them in that direction.
++ As a side note: I love my husband. He is a very nice, unspoiled person. He is an only child and is wonderful. So, only children are wonderful people too!
We're almost 100% set on not having a second one after all. We've tabled the discussion until the end of the year to see if we change our minds. The toll that the end of the pregnancy took, our clusterfuck of an experience with TCH/St Luke's, BFing struggles, some PPD... add that on top of the normal amount of work that comes with a baby. I just can't see having a second one and going through that again. I am in awe of *anyone* who has more than one!
Cali - we are exactly where you are right now. Trying to decide if we have another child is really hard, and like duchess, we have tabled the discussion until Evan is a year old. Evan was a very high-maintenance baby and combine that with the reflux and the first 2 months were hell. I think I had a bit of depression as well since I was so overwhelmed and there were weeks where we would only get 3 hours of sleep in a 24 hour period. If our second is the same way, we aren't sure how we will deal with the baby and having a toddler.
But, I also think we have a lot more knowledge and in the grand scheme of things what is 2 months out of a lifetime? I am glad you posted this because it was interesting to read the responses. In a few months I'll review this post again to see if it helps with our decision.
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I am an only child and have always loved it! I am very close with my parents and I never felt lonely when I was a child because we were like the three stouges. However, I would also love to have a sibling....especially now that I am older. I have several girlfriends that I'm close with and often wonder how awesome it would be to have a sister that I'm even closer with!
I definitely want at least one more child and DH is on the fence. We have agreed to discuss the topic when DS is two. (which isn't too far away...eeek!)
FWIW, for those that are tabling the discussion for awhile, it was a great idea in our world (obviously, given our "situation", ha).
After Mia was born, we thought she might end up being an only child. She was colicky, wouldn't sleep, and I had horrific breastfeeding issues. I didn't think I could handle another.
Around 15 months we realized that the times that we really did want another. Did we just forget the craziness? Possibly. Or maybe we went crazy oursleves.
We did the same with Micah, even though she was quite possibly one of the easiest babies ever. We just thought -- the chaos is too much! Ack!
Well... ya'll know where we're at.
I was an only child. I was very lonely and quite jealous of others with siblings. I would always tend to hang out with the adults instead of kids in situations because that was what I was used to.
I've known that I wanted to have multiple kiddos for quite awhile. DH comes from a family of 3 kids so that is what is normal to him. He never thought of having it any other way. We know that we want at least 3 kids with a possibility of a 4th.
I don't think that age always makes the difference in how close siblings are. DH is not extremely close with his sister who is 3 years younger. They are fine now that they live a good distance apart and see each other occasionally but when they are together for along time they begin to bicker. He and his brother are 7 years apart and are close and pick up where they left off any time they get together. I think it's more on personality then age. Dh and his sister are pretty opposite but he and his brother are quite similar.
As far as babies go Reagan was very laid back which made me afraid before Abby was born. Abby was a very high maintenance baby. It was pretty rough for awhile but we made it through. The two of them are similar to DH and his sister which should mean that my 3rd child is beyond laid back. At least I can hope : )
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We're still going back and forth about this issue too. DH is also fine with just one kid. He has 3 younger sisters and is not very close with them. And he thinks financially we can provide well for Rena but if we have another kid it would be hard on our finances. I definitely wouldn't work if we had two kids since my whole part-time income would go to childcare.
My sister is my best friend and I couldn't imagine life without her. I really want Rena to have a sibling, even though I know they may not get along or be best friends. I had a difficult pregnancy and Rena was not an easy baby. She's a high maintenance toddler but I still feel like I want another child. Maybe I'm just hoping the 2nd one will be an easier baby!
I'm so glad to hear your sister is your best friend. I really hope our girls will feel that way about one another. Just to give you some hope, our 1st was super high maintenance and our 2nd has been the exact opposite for the most part. The first 24 months with DD#2 were amazingly easy and if she'd been our first child, I don't know that I would have appreciated her as much. But compared to DD#1, she was a piece of cake.
I think having an easy pregnancy and not wanting to get pregnant again because of that is so funny. I guess I would just figure that having a bad pregnancy would make me gun shy but not an easy one. I think most people I know have had 2 very similar pregnancies (that was me) or the 2nd was easier than the 1st. If someone has an easy 1st pregnancy, their chances of having a tougher 2nd one are more slim, I would think.
As far as kids, I want to echo Kmex. T was a tough baby, very high needs and a total non-sleeper. M is a natural sleeper and very easy going--- although he is much more mischevious at 20 months than T was at this age. I think some of that is inherent but some is also learned. He is going to be hell on wheels when he is 3 but it won't be as hard because Tru will be 6.