XP: forget my 2 week deadline...(long) — The Bump
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XP: forget my 2 week deadline...(long)

N and I are moving out. Soon. H seriously wants me to give him all the time in the world. He doesn't want me to do anything legal and when I told him tonight we needed to talk about finances and legal stuff he told me to "slow down". Um, no. If he an just pick up and leave as he pleases, then so can I. I am doing this to protect Nicholas and I from this constant in and out of our lives. I did not contact a lawyer today because I was SO exhausted and just needed to unwind and think. All that led to was more realization that I needed to call a lawyer, which I will do tomorrow morning (much to H's dislike). I have found an apartment in a development where I lived while I was dating MH. They have a reasonable rent and it was not a bad place to live except for once the pizza guy's car got stolen when he left it running to deliver a pizza. Nothing that can't happen anywhere else...plus they said I could install an alarm system which would make me feel much better about living alone. I am feeling good about this decision and feel that it is right for me. Of course, I will be taking needed legal action to make sure that none of this is used against me (seen as abandonment) and that H still provides us with some financial support as most of our income right now comes from him. The reason I am the one moving is because I am not financially stable enough on my own to afford our mortgage (double the rent of the apartment) and keep up with repairs, yard work, etc. while working full time, taking care of a 1yo, and going to grad school part time.  I need a place where if something breaks I can call someone to fix it and not have to worry about the cost of labor or money. And honestly, I do not trust MH to be there if I need him, as I know he would move back to Philly. I am more than willing to do what I need to do and sign papers to sell the house, but I am physically and financially unable to do it without him here.

If you made it this far, God bless you!!
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Re: XP: forget my 2 week deadline...(long)

  • I would definitely contact the lawyer.  Just make sure that you aren't rushing into this.  I'm not saying this to change your mind, I just want to make sure that you aren't ending the marriage because you are wanting your H to wake up and pay attention.  I think moving IS a good idea.  But take the time away to think about what YOU want as well.  GL!
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  • image achase123:
    I would definitely contact the lawyer.  Just make sure that you aren't rushing into this.  I'm not saying this to change your mind, I just want to make sure that you aren't ending the marriage because you are wanting your H to wake up and pay attention.  I think moving IS a good idea.  But take the time away to think about what YOU want as well.  GL!

    Yes, do contact a lawyer, but also take time to think.

    I would also talk about the mortgage with your lawyer.  What if he defaults on it and it affects your credit?    

    Do you want the marriage to be over?   Do you want more space and time to figure out what you want as well?  

    Stick to your assertiveness and make sure to advocate for your needs as well as your son's. 

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  • Your strength amazes me, and I know it will really help you though all of this. I do think moving is a great move -- it certainly isn't an easy decision, but it's a step in the right direction.

    Does Maryland have any sort of mandatory "waiting period" when it comes to divorce/separation? In Michigan you don't have to be legally separated for any period of time before you can file for divorce (like some states), but there is a mandatory 6 month "wait" before a divorce can be final when there are minor children involved. Like pp's mentioned, it's good you're making these decisions but be careful to not be too hasty too quickly. There's a good reason these limitations are put on separations/divorces, except for extreme circumstances.

    Stay strong!

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  • Make sure you call lawyers tomorrow.  It took me several calls and several weeks to get an appointment.  Plus they have to do a 'conflict check' which can take a few days to make sure that your H isn't represented by the firm.  Even if you aren't ready to TALK to the lawyer just yet, make it a priority to get an appointment ASAP.

     Good luck!

    DD1 01.19.07
    DD2 11.17.08

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  • I'm glad to hear you found a place.  Stay strong and contact a lawyer to protect yourself.  To answer a PP question....yes, Maryland does have a mandatory 1 year waiting period for starting absolute divorce proceedings.  I live in Maryland too!  However, if there is evidence of abuse, SO w/substance or alcohol abuse issues, cheating, or mentally insane, the State will waive the waiting period and allow you to proceed with testimony and divorce hearings. 

     Good luck with everything!

  • Thanks everyone. We are not planning on filing for divorce right away. We are going to separate for a time and see how that goes. We just had a very lengthy, but civil conversation, to try to figure out finances and such and he agrees that it would be best if we lived apart but knows I can't keep up with the house on my own (I am a teacher and am gone 10+ hrs a day, plus am in grad school, and have the baby...) so I need something less expensive and with less responsiblities. I know not to trust any of this without it legally in writing, but he did offer lots of financial help and wants to be in his son's life. He actually cried. I have seen him cry twice in 5 years--tonight being one of them. I by no means think he's a saint, but he is letting me do what I am comfortable with and isn't being a jerk about me saying I don't trust him and that I am getting a lawyer. Anyway, I am not making any hasty decisions and will certainly not make any moves before getting legal consult.
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  • I am going to sound jaded and cynical here, but you are in a good spot.  Strike while the iron is hot.  Get this all in writing.  I believe your story doesn't involve another woman, yet, but that can always change.

     My STBXH agreed to alimony for life, regardless of if I remarry, AND he agreed that it would go up once the girls turn 18 and I don't have child support (but will obviously still be their mom and helping support them as young adults).  It was all his idea, it's pretty generous, and I know now he's having doubts about it now that 'she' has been talking to him, BUT it's now a legal contract between us so he's on the hook for it.  Since it's not court ordered, but a legal contract, no judge can change it either.

    So if you both agree to something, you feel you hit the 'sweet spot' where you are both satisfied, definitely run and get that legally documented!

    DD1 01.19.07
    DD2 11.17.08

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  • image coraandmike:
    Thanks everyone. We are not planning on filing for divorce right away. We are going to separate for a time and see how that goes. We just had a very lengthy, but civil conversation, to try to figure out finances and such and he agrees that it would be best if we lived apart but knows I can't keep up with the house on my own (I am a teacher and am gone 10+ hrs a day, plus am in grad school, and have the baby...) so I need something less expensive and with less responsiblities. I know not to trust any of this without it legally in writing, but he did offer lots of financial help and wants to be in his son's life. He actually cried. I have seen him cry twice in 5 years--tonight being one of them. I by no means think he's a saint, but he is letting me do what I am comfortable with and isn't being a jerk about me saying I don't trust him and that I am getting a lawyer. Anyway, I am not making any hasty decisions and will certainly not make any moves before getting legal consult.

    I think you should stop letting me know what your plans are.  I know with my ex, who was VERY manipulative, he would convince me he was concerned for me and our daughter but then use everything I told him against me.  Keep it on a very strict need to know basis.  He doesn't need to know anything about your lawyer or the fact that you are thinking about hiring one.  Communicate through text and emails a lot too so you can document what he says. 

    Good Luck.

  • You are very strong as PP said! I'm glad your trying to get yourself out of the "limbo" part! No matter which way it goes I hope your happy and the situation is best for you and Nicholas!
  • image Mama2S-K-M:

    I think you should stop letting him know what your plans are.  I know with my ex, who was VERY manipulative, he would convince me he was concerned for me and our daughter but then use everything I told him against me.  Keep it on a very strict need to know basis.  He doesn't need to know anything about your lawyer or the fact that you are thinking about hiring one.  Communicate through text and emails a lot too so you can document what he says. 

    Good Luck.

    Yup, I agree with this.  He's on a strictly need to know basis.  Remember, you aren't friends or lovers anymore.  This is a business deal.  Treat it accordingly and don't offer up anything more than is necessary.

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  • Talk to a lawyer before you pack a single box.  You may lose rights by being the one to leave the marital residence.  Make sure you aren't shooting yourself in the foot by moving out.

     

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