WWYD re: childcare? (super long, but need advice)

satreece

So... I've posted a lot in the past about the issues surrounding MIL watching Quinn since I returned to work almost a year ago... some of those issues resolved because I'm less of a control freak now that he's older, but there are still plenty of family problems surrounding the situation.

DH and I have been talking for a few months about finding an alternative primary caretaker for him.  Our first exploration was to speak with the lady who watched all three of our pediatrician's kids - she lives about a mile away and would watch him 3 days a week (originally MIL said she just needed more of a break, but was happy to watch him one or two days a week).  Two days a week, he would be the only child she watches and one day a week, she would be watching two other children around his age.  She quoted us a rate of $150 a week, but said that price was negotiable (depending on if we claimed the childcare fees on our taxes, etc).  She has no certifications other than first aid/cpr, but does come with the raving reviews of our pedi. 

More recently, and as Quinn has gotten older, we are realizing more and more how much activity and stimulation he needs and want to make sure he gets that - and wondering if a daycare center might be better for him.  I feel really weird saying that and I still feel very uncomfortable about the idea of ANY stranger watching him.  But really... he is a nice kid and a good kid and I can't imagine a situation where an adult wouldn't like him and might treat him poorly.  

We have an option of having someone watch him at home for $150 a week mostly full days.  DH is working at home and every time he walks in and out of the living room, Quinn cries and gets super upset (we know this from having someone watch him at home right now 1-2 days a week).  Also, concerned that he would get enough activity/stimulation (though we are building him an outdoor play area this weekend).  The lady who would watch him is very nice and has been a family friend for 20+ years. 

We have two daycare centers that are nearby and have openings for one year old programs - ranging in price from $185 to $200 per week for full-time.  I'm still not sure I want him to be somewhere outside of the home for 5 days a week, but MIL now seems hesitant about watching him 1-2 days a week and there is a big part of DH and I that really want to NOT be involved w/ MIL watching him at all (due to the family problems it is causing).  One of those two places has a 3 day a week program for $150... we could figure something out for the other two days a week if we needed to.

Also, ILs have told us they will contribute $75/week towards whatever we choose (until summertime when we will re-evaluate).  It is incredibly generous, but, because I come from a family where the parents don't really help their adult children w/ financial issues, I feel a little nervous about this offer (though I know we will end up accepting it because we are in no financial position not to).  My ILs have boundary issues and I have been lectured in the past for doing things like stopping at the grocery store for 30 minutes on the way home from before picking Quinn up from their house - MIL says that she is not here to babysit, only to watch him while we work.  I am nervous we might find ourselves in the same situation of them having opinions of what we're doing while Quinn is at daycare if they are contributing financially.  DH says I'm crazy, but I have every reason to believe that it could happen.

Sooo... help me weigh the pros and cons!?  What else should I be thinking about?  What would you do???

P.S. We are going to look at the daycare centers tomorrow.  DH is an incredibly good judge of character and I think we will be good at telling if we are comfortable with our kid being in either of those environments...

andrealynn0707

I would go to all of them and decide what the best fit for you will be from there.

We take DD to a center. It meets my personal requirements best of all of the options I had when I was looking. 

It is my guess that you will know which option is right for you after visiting all of your potentials. If none of them are right, then keep looking.

 

danaann78

It seems to me that you need to make every effort to cut MIL out of childcare.  Personally, as much of a financial strain as it might be, I wouldn't be willing to accept their financial contribution at all. 

As far as which way to go, I would reserve decision until after you've visited with all of your options.  You may find that you love a daycare center even though right now you don't think you will.  I used to work in a fantastic center and wouldn't have had any problems bringing my children their if I were still working out of the house.

MissyOlivePants

I really wish we lived closer & I could help you out.

papagena

andrealynn0707:

I would go to all of them and decide what the best fit for you will be from there.

Ditto. 

Genevieved

danaann78:

It seems to me that you need to make every effort to cut MIL out of childcare.  Personally, as much of a financial strain as it might be, I wouldn't be willing to accept their financial contribution at all. 

As far as which way to go, I would reserve decision until after you've visited with all of your options.  You may find that you love a daycare center even though right now you don't think you will.  I used to work in a fantastic center and wouldn't have had any problems bringing my children their if I were still working out of the house.

I agree with this.  It sounds like out of the house and full time not with MIL would work best.  I have also heard other parents who have had a hard time with their child transitioning each week when they were only in day care a few days.  I know this may not happen to you LO but it might.  

I think if you can make it so you don't need to take IL's money I would do it.  It sounds like they may be offering so they can keep their nose in your business.  When she isn't the one watching him it shouldn't matter what you do while he is being cared for by someone else as long as you are there to pick him up at the time you said you would.  

julygal

I didn't think I wanted DD somewhere until she was 3 as I SAH, but we hit 2 and I knew that she needed something outside the home due to her new little brother making our schedule more difficult.  It really was the best decision for her even though it was something different than I originally envisioned.  

I would tour the facilities with Quinn (or just take him back to your favorites).  I know it meant a lot for me to see DD interact with the environment.  We partly picked her current school because she could not stop talking about it after the visit.  I figured her read on the place was almost as important as mine.

I would avoid financial contribution from the ILs if you can.  Who knows how your ILs will be about it in the long term. Your DH says it won't be an issue, but you feel uncomfortable.  Bottom line if you aren't comfortable with it then don't do it, because it will only add to whatever issues you have with them.  

blissfully_caffeinated

I think you need to do something without MIL. I'd accept her help since it is substantial in your situation but not rely on it. If your H is supposed to be working when he's home and Ds is interrupting that then I think you should probably avoid in your home care.

If you like the center, can you have him go there 3 days a week and go to the pedi's nanny 2 days a week?

nsees

Well I would consider the long term (to try to avoid shuffling him around too much once he gets situated somewhere).  Ideally for me, I would probably like the idea of someone watching them in your home or their home for the next year or so until your new baby is older.  Then I would look at sending them both somewhere like a daycare center where there is a preschool program that you feel excited about. It wouldn't hurt to check those places out now though.  I am personally more comfortable with babies in a home setting and bigger kids in a daycare center.  I've been lucky enough to work from home so DH and I have been able to do the primary caretakers during the day and then we sent Eli to preschool at 3.  Although he was involved in a church program before that.  I feel strongly that it is important for our kids to get 2 years of preschool in before kindergarten.

It just seems to me it would be nice with the little baby to have him at your home or someone elses and personally I wouldn't want to have to drop each kid at a different place on my way to work. KWIM?

satreece

Thank you all for the ideas/thoughts/suggestions...

A little other back story re: money from ILs - we need the money especially right now because DH has stopped working part-time at the school to pursue his art career full time (again, after taking a two year break while the economy was horrible).  He has saved up 6 months worth of his part-time salary because we know our budget worked with that amount of income.  We did not budget for the fact that we might have to pay $600 a month for childcare when we made these plans for DH's career, but ILs support his decision as well, so I think that is part of why they are wanting to help facilitate the transition.  Especially since MIL has decided she basically doesn't want to watch him at all.  We put the 6 month cap on accepting their help because, ideally, we will have a better idea of if DH's career is going as well as we hope it will.  So, yeah... I am super nervous about accepting their help, but, like I said, we're not really in a position right now to turn it down.

I am trying not to freak out about what will happen with the new baby when I have to go back to work.  I think at that point we will probably find someone to come into the house and watch new baby... it won't cause the same issues that it would/does with having someone watch Quinn at home.  Those issues are less of a problem for DH (as in, DH doesn't feel bothered by Quinn being watched at home), but more that he feels really bad for upsetting Quinn by coming inside and going to the bathroom and then going back to his studio.  He feels bad for upsetting Quinn and bad for making the job harder for whoever is watching him.  So... that's one of the issues of him being watched at home that we haven't been able to figure out...

WannaBeCrunchyMama

blissfully_caffeinated:

If you like the center, can you have him go there 3 days a week and go to the pedi's nanny 2 days a week?

 

I don't have any experience yet. But this sounds like a nice compromise to me.

Then he can have the advantages of both environments.