Parenting

Neglect? 11 year old sleeps in Dad's bed full time? Is this normal?

Ok ok, so this is an unusual topic for the Bump, I know, but Ive googled this topic for hours today and never really found a clear answer.  This is a question of neglect, on 2 counts.

My 11 year old lives part time with his Dad.  His father is (problem 1) a full time smoker, who is unemployed and smokes all day long throughout is 900 sq ft home.  My eldest son, 15, who has had asthma his entire life now lives with his father full time.  His father always reminds me that I used to smoke, and that this is house.... and there isnt a law againts it.  In Ontario it IS illegal to smoke in your car, but for some sad reason its not illegal to smoke inside the home.  I expressed concern to my doctor who basically laughed it off... if my ex doesnt understand the problem there was nothing he could do other than offer some literature on the effects of 2nd hand smoke (I was stupid to think that he would WANT to get involved and WANT  to protect the health of my children).

Problem 2.  My ex is also a pack rat/bordering on hoarderism.  My oldest has his own room, but the room that was my sons has apparently (as told my my youngest) turned into a storage room... with many, MANY misc items piled on his bed.   As a result my son sleeps in my ex's bed.  EVERY NIGHT that he is there (we have a 50/50  out of court custody arrangement)

 I want to call the childrens aid society because this has been going on for years; but Im expecting they will view me as being  a jealous Ex.  We have been separated/divorced for 5 years now so that is clearly not the case.

The CAS intervenes when there is abuse or neglect. Would smoking around the boys/not providing a proper sleeping space/and the evidence of a potentially disturbing hoarding behaviour or any one of the 3 issues not be worth the CAS' attention?

 

Re: Neglect? 11 year old sleeps in Dad's bed full time? Is this normal?

  • It would deeply bother me to have him smoking in the house with your children...is he not willing to go outside? or at LEAST the garage or something? how inconsiderate...

    how does your son feel about bed sharing? it hardly seems fair...I also wonder if the hoarding tendencies are exaggerated or a true issue.

    I would call CAS, I suppose, becaus eyou can never be too careful? you may need to revisit the custody arrangement if it is harming your kid's health and happiness.

    Im sorry!

    Good Luck!

    Warning No formatter is installed for the format bbhtml
  • While both situations totally suck for your kids I don't believe either are truly neglect or a form of abuse.

    I don't know how things work there, but I know in the US CPS would laugh at both complaints they are so backed up by real forms of abuse that neither of these would probably even be on their radar.

    I think your best bet is to go to court and present both these items and hope for total custody with visitation for the kids with their father.

  • Loading the player...
  • I know that child services here does check to see if each child has his/her own bed when they do home visits.  The hoarding thing might present as a cleanliness/safety issue as well.  Chances are, the smoking issue won't have an effect (even though I think it should).
  • On the TV show Hoarders the social workers always call CPS (or equivalent) when the hoard is so bad that the child can't access his bed or healthy food.  I'm sure some of that is for the drama, but honestly I would call anyway.  You can call anonymously if you are worried that they will question your credibility.  Or maybe consult your divorce atty and see if there's anyway you can rearrange your custodial agreement.
  • I have to ask if you are so concerned that it is such an unsafe environment that you would call child protective services why would you not go to court and fight to get custody first, this does make it look like you are a vindictive ex.
  • imageAndrewsgal:
    I have to ask if you are so concerned that it is such an unsafe environment that you would call child protective services why would you not go to court and fight to get custody first, this does make it look like you are a vindictive ex.

    I'm not sure about the OP, but I do know that custody battles are extremely expensive to fight. It isn't just as simple as going to court and presenting your case in front of a judge. I have a family member whose ex-wife hasn't allowed him to see his children in years and moves around frequently so it's hard to even find them, but he's helpless to do anything about it because he doesn't have $30k+ to hire an attorney. 

    My sister works with family courts and says that things like this are common. Once custody has been established it's almost impossible to get it changed (barring any obvious neglect, removal by CPS, etc.) unless you have quite substantial financial means and are prepared to have it drag out for a very long time.

  • imageCleoKitty:

    imageAndrewsgal:
    I have to ask if you are so concerned that it is such an unsafe environment that you would call child protective services why would you not go to court and fight to get custody first, this does make it look like you are a vindictive ex.

    I'm not sure about the OP, but I do know that custody battles are extremely expensive to fight. It isn't just as simple as going to court and presenting your case in front of a judge. I have a family member whose ex-wife hasn't allowed him to see his children in years and moves around frequently so it's hard to even find them, but he's helpless to do anything about it because he doesn't have $30k+ to hire an attorney. 

    My sister works with family courts and says that things like this are common. Once custody has been established it's almost impossible to get it changed (barring any obvious neglect, removal by CPS, etc.) unless you have quite substantial financial means and are prepared to have it drag out for a very long time.

    exactly this.  "Just fighting to get custody" is not an easy fight.  We have lived it with my DH, his ex, and his children (now teenagers).

    I would be more annoyed with the smoking than anything.  Not sure any of it is really abuse/neglect, though.

    Have you asked him to clean off a bed for your son?

    imageimage Ashley Sawtelle Photography
  • While a custody fight can be long and drawn out and expensive, aren't your children worth it? First of all, you have an "out of court" agreement. If I were in your shoes, I would withhold visitation until your ex can provide a suitable living environment for your children. If that were my child there is no way he would go back to that house under those living conditions. They may be teenagers, but they are still minors, and as their mother you are the only advocate that they have. If you don't want to go to the measure of withholding visitation at this point, I would at least consult with an attorney. Most will give a free consultation and can advise you as to what your next step should be.
    Ridley Run 3.1 - 4/9/11 - 34:24 - 1st race evah!
    Kelly Monaghan's 5K - 5/15/11 - 3rd Place in AG
    Walk the Talk 5K - 5/18/11 - 31:12 PR
    Ridley Run 3.1 - 4/14/12 - 1st race of the year, 32:45
  • I used to do investigations for CPS before having my children and resigning.  Yes, these issues would warrent a trip out to the house by Pennsylvania CPS workers (The Office of Children and Youth as it's known here).  We would begin by asking for the name of the pedi (as we do it almost all cases ) and calling them to see if there are concerns, concerns regarding asthma,  talking to the school to see if there are concerns (coughing all day?  sleepy?  and other possible concerns). B/c of the age of your children, b/c they can somewhat fend for themselves (ie get a drink if thirsty, grab a snack if hungry, TELL someone if there are no drinks/food etc) they wouldn't be automatically removed for a cluttery house, but family would be given a time line for getting things picked up and they would be told child needs his own bed at that age.  If the hoarding behavior was hazardous, code enforcement could be called to investigate, or if you see obvious unsanitary /dangerous materials, that wouls change things as well.

    What a hard, hard situation for you and I'm sorry you are going through it. 

    Warning No formatter is installed for the format bbhtml
  • image-auntie-:

    While not ideal, I'm not sure this rises to the level of neglect.

    I'm thinking a child with severe asthma would be in crisis if the smoking was an issue for him. I'm also thinkg most well developing boys 11 and 15 could clear off a bed together and/or move it to the 15 year old's room.

    I agree with this.  Sure smoking is disgusting (imo) but you do sound a bit like a bitter ex in that you used to smoke too (presumably around your kids).  Your kids are old enough to be helping to clean the house too.

  • imagest.lucia bride:
    image-auntie-:

    While not ideal, I'm not sure this rises to the level of neglect.

    I'm thinking a child with severe asthma would be in crisis if the smoking was an issue for him. I'm also thinkg most well developing boys 11 and 15 could clear off a bed together and/or move it to the 15 year old's room.

    I agree with this.  Sure smoking is disgusting (imo) but you do sound a bit like a bitter ex in that you used to smoke too (presumably around your kids).  Your kids are old enough to be helping to clean the house too.

    I respectfully disagree.  i don't think kids of any age should be responsible to clean up after a borderline hoarding parent.  Not their responsibility. 

    Warning No formatter is installed for the format bbhtml
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards
"
"