4 months.

erbarmywife

4 months ago, around this time, I was flipping out as I was being prepped for an emergency c-section.  I was about to deliver my girls at just 26wks 2ds.  The girls were born at 8:11 and 8:12pm.  Around 8:45, we said goodbye to one of those precious beautiful girls.  She was with us for a short 34 minutes, but it meant the world to me to have her after (I wasnt there when she passed, my hubs was though).  I can honestly say, the only thing I regret at this moment, is the fact that I didnt take Ella to the NICU when I went for the first time.  I should've got a picture of the girls together.  It would be the only opportunity that I would get to.  I hate that they arent here.  I hate that I cant look at them and snuggle them, and smother them with kisses.  They should be 4 months old, instead I have a gaping hole in my heart that will never go away.  I know that it will lessen with time, and I'm starting to feel it, but every month on the 28th, it comes back full force.  This should've been their first Christmas.  They should be snuggled in cute clothes.  Sigh...I know it gets better.  I'm just waiting for that one time when I dont watch the clock on the 28th. 

To top it off, I got a package in the mail today from Nestle.  It was a "wonderful" gift of 2 cans of Good Start formula.  Way to kick me while I'm down. 

Anyway, I'm not asking for sympathy, though I know you girls understand.  I am just writing it out cuz it's cathartic.  I cant really talk to my hubs about it cuz it'll send him into a downward spiral.  I feel like mostly everyone else wishes I would stop talking about it and move on already.  But, as you ladies know, it's not that easy.  I carried them in my body, and in my heart for so long, I cant just let them go that easily.  So, thank you for reading this, and I'm so sorry for everyone elses losses.  I feel your pain.

lavril

I am so sorry for your losses.  I can't even imagine your pain, but I hope you find peace soon.

IslandEnchantress

I am so sorry for you. And I think you should take as long as you need to, months, years, forever, if you have to, to deal with the pain.  

Snowbride02

Praying for you...

Lorange-8

I'm sorry for your loss, I've been following your story. I lost my daughter due t PTL at almost 20 weeks back on March 27th. So Every 27th of each month I remember everything. I'm sorry any of us have to go thru this. Sending you lots of hugs!!!