My Story (warning: not for the faint of heart)

evasmommy

Nate is my third child, the other two I had nary a problem.  I LOVED having a newborn, loved the additions to our family, etc.  Nathaniel, however, was very much an unexpected pregnancy and has been a shock ever since.

Anyway, at my 6 wk appt my OB started me on Cymbalta.  Did nada, and I was feeling worse.

I had a follow up about 7 weeks later and she took me cold turkey off of the Cymbalta, along with a thyroid med I'd been using during pregnancy.  The following week, after many attempts to call her office and get help, I attempted suicide.

That was Oct.8th... I'd *never* even come close to feeling that way before I was taken off of the Cymbalta.  One week later, after many office screwups and issues with her staff, I finally started Wellbutrin.  I'm now at the max dose, taking Klonopin 2X daily and it is doing NOTHING.

I am just so ridiculously frustrated.  I hate that I'm not better.  I hate that my friends probably think I'm a nutcase.  I hate that I think really dark thoughts every.single.day. 

My OB is aware, as is my PCP, and they both feel it's time for me to see a psychiatrist.  I also agree.

Thing is, this is a crummy time of year to try to get in.  I'm not sure I can make it much longer, and I very much mean that.  I love my kids and would never THINK of harming them. They are far too precious and bring a lot of joy to my family. 

*I* just can't personally deal with this much longer.  It's like every.single.breath. takes effort, and I'm just weary.  I feel like I'm never going to get better.

 I guess I'm just looking for someone who's been this far down and made it back up.  They always say it gets better, it'll get better.  I just can't imagine why I feel this way, what the hell is wrong with me, why I can't just pull up my bootstraps and move forward.  I'm definitely a burden to my docs, I'm burdening my husband although he just wants me to get better, and my kids are no worse for the ware.

I need hope.

HappyMommy28

I am so sorry you are dealing with this.  Stay strong.  Suicide is not the answer.   Your children need you now and in the future.  It sounds like your family really loves you.  Try to see the psychologist as soon as you can.  I did think of suicide years ago.  I still get depressed and am currently on zoloft but I don't have thoughts of harming myself anymore.  Feel free to PM me if you want/need to talk more or if you want someone to  listen too.  I'll keep you in my prayers tonight. *hugs*

robbie3982

I'm so sorry you're feeling this way!  I'd try to look into intensive outpatient programs.  I found mine to be very helpful.  It was through a psychiatric hospital.  I went 3 days a week for 3 hrs a day.  I met with the psychiatrist and individual therapist (separately) once a week.  The rest of the time was spent in group therapy.  I was the only one with PPD, but it was still SO helpful.

You have to try to remember that depression isn't something that you can just snap out of.  I kept thinking I would (despite the fact that I should have known better) and ended up pretty much hitting rock bottom before I finally got help.

mrsbnlmel

If you can't get your doctors to listen go to the emergency room. It was the last thing I wanted to do but the best decision I made. If you have attempted suicide and your doctors still aren't listening, you need new doctors! When I went to the ER they connected me to a case worker who got me into a psychiatrist the next morning. You shouldn't have to wait. I also agree with the outpatient programs. I ended up doing individual therapy only, but it was offered to me if I needed it. People really do get better, but I think you need better treatment than you are getting to get there. Good luck!

bride2be8108

I agree that if you aren't getting the proper care from your docs you should head to the ER. At least you can be evaluated and possibly started on proper medication.  It doesn;t sound like your doc handled this well at all.  You should never stop any psych drug cold turkey like you did w/cymbalta.

I'm sorrry that you are going through this. Hang in there and get some proper help. 

GingerBabyJ

 I honestly think you need to check yourself into inpatient care. It seems extreme, but your kiddos need their momma and you deserve to feel better. They can monitor your medication and make sure you are feeling stable.

brideonoct1

I'm an outpatient therapist--please listen---GO TO THE ER.

They will help you and should get you connected to an inpatient facility. It absolutely does not mean you are crazy. It means you just need to get stabilized since going cold turkey off of Cymbalta is against every rule in the book for SSRI's. You absolutely can feel better but you need the right treatment.

Feel better and feel free to page me if you have questions. In the meantime, please visit

postpartumprogress.com  It is not my website or anything. I just think it's really helpful!

 

 

 

brideonoct1

I'm sorry I meant to write SNRI. Still, Cymbalta shouldn't be stopped cold turkey.

jenny1980

Oh, honey. I am so angry at your doctors for you. This is ridiculous.

Agreed with the above advice--get to the ER and they will connect you with the proper help. If you're in an emergency situation, you will get into a psychiatrist without a wait. 

The hardest thing about depression is being able to see the other side when you're so mired down in it. I remember thinking that I would NEVER feel better. It was overwhelming and I could almost feel it just sitting on my chest. However, I am now happier and healthier than I've ever been. It took some work getting there (and it took a good couple months of my body adjusting to the medication), but here I am. Feeling really, truly GOOD.

I don't know if you're familiar with Dooce, but she was hospitalized for PPD after her first daughter and wrote about that experience and her recovery. Here's a link to her post about deciding to go for an inpatient stay. You probably can relate to a lot of her feelings. You can view her other posts by looking in the archive under depression.

https://www.dooce.com/archives/daily/08_26_2004.html

She recovered so well that she went on to have another baby.  I hope her story helps you find some comfort and hope.

Would you please update us as to how things are going? I'll be thinking of you and sending good thoughts.

Hanginginthere2010

I've tried to commit suicide a few years ago, I understand how it feels to be so stuck in such a dark place.  First off, please understand that the disease of depression is lying to you.  It tells you that you are a burden and that everyone would be better off without you.  Thats a lie.  You are definitely not a burden to your doctors like you had mentioned... they chose that field to help people and thats what they want to do.  I do think someone in the mental health field would be more able to help you in this than your OB.  Also, its not that you want to die, you want the pain to stop.  The pain will stop but it will take finding the right combination of meds or the one med that will help.  I was on wellbutrin with no results until my docs added celexa to it.  With that combination, I finally began seeing the light of day again.  And when the fog had finally cleared from my brain, I enjoyed life again, could take a deep beautiful breath of fresh air in the sunshine and love life.  The constant negative thoughts that I battled with were gone.  I could take bad things happening in stride and not let it consume me and play like a broken record player in my head for me to re-live over and over.  I could actually deal with things like, well like a normal person.  My smiles were genuine and from my heart.

Just know, there IS hope.  You CAN get throug this.  You ARE so important to your family, they love you.  You say you wouldn't do anything to harm your kids, your depression is lying to you then because taking away their mother will harm them tremendously.  They are not better off without your love in their life.  There IS another place you can get to, where you can feel, really feel happiness again... its on your horizon and I know its hard to see or believe but its there and its the happy you laughing and having fun with your family, cherishing every hug and smile.  You know you haven't always been like this, remember that it won't always be like this.  It IS going to happen.  Please have patience and you're doing the right thing reaching out for help. 

racegrrl714

I think you should definitely get in to see a psychiatrIst, or at the very least switch OB's or family doctors to someone who understands depression and PPD meds. They should have never had you drop ANY SSRI or SNRI cold turkey... ESPECIALLY Cymbalta! I used to be on it for fibromyalgia and depression/anxiety and honestly, it does not surprise me whatsoever that you were suicidal after taking it. Some of my most depressed, suicidal days were when I was on it and when I was WEANING off of it. Needless to say I am not a fan of it, even though it did help my fibro. Anyways, if you can't get in to a psych soon, you may try going to an ER. They should be able to do a psych consult and it might get you a priority appointment with a doc or admittance to a treatment program. Good luck.