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Pregnant after a Loss
I need to vent...
Or else I may just explode. I'm so frustrated with my in laws!!! My MIL is a crazy person. Really. She comes out to visit for 2 weeks at a time, 3x a year. I had to put a key locking door knob on the bedroom because she sneaks in there and goes through our drawers. She can't be trusted with kids either. She is so forgetful, she forgets that she is watching the baby (mainly my niece right now, who she left in the living room with a pot of boiling water on the stove in the kitchen and went to bed). And my BIL is just as crazy. He thinks HE is having a baby. He keeps saying that he can't wait to be there for 3am feedings, and got upset at us that we picked a name without him. He was also VERY disappointed that we're having a girl because he is dying for a son. Again, loony! I've tried to make it very clear with everyone that nobody is staying at our house after the baby is born. My BIL lives 5 min away, but my MIL thinks she's coming out for the birth. Every time I talk to my H about his family, he gets so defensive and starts fighting with me. I cannot deal with these people right after the birth..... I feel like I'm going to have a panic attack! Ugh....
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Re: I need to vent...
I am sorry you have to deal with that. I would definitely put my foot down about them not staying there after the baby is born. That would be too much stress.
6/14/10 BFP; 6/30/10 Dx ectopic
11/16/10 BFP #2; DD born 7/26/11
Yowza. First off, your BIL sounds like a creeper to me. Call me paranoid, but I'd be watching him like a hawk! Secondly, your MIL may have good intentions but if she's THAT forgetful, then her watching a child alone should be a definite no go. (I'd bring it up to your DH in a concerned manner. I think she may need a doctor's help.)
Hopefully, like PP said, you can talk to your DH when they leave. Don't be accusatory or anything, but just tell him that you need to "voice your concerns". I really hope he listens to you.
m/c 12/25/09 (5w5d) mm/c D&C 4/9/10 (11w1d) Take home baby 2/22/11
My boobies belong to cour10e
-m/c at 11w2d due to partial molar 2008 -m/c #2 2009
Beautiful daughter born February 2011
**Ultimate TTCALer 2009**
I would totally fight DH on that too. I think your MIL has something wrong if she left the baby and went to bed while a pot of water was boiling. She may need to see a doctor.
Does your BIL have kids? He sounds like a creepy uncle to me.
Umm wow. That sounds rough. Definitely ditto pp and you need to put your foot down now that way when the time does come there won't be any surprises for anyone.
And not only does your MIL sound looney, I would NOT trust her to watch my little one.
And your BIL.....I have no words.
These thoughts have crossed my mind on many occasions. I even brought it up to a mutual friend because I was so bothered by the way he's acting. My best friend was here one night when my BIL was saying stuff about helping for 3am feedings. She was creeped out too.
My H is trying to make me feel like I'm a horrible person for not being more accepting of their willingness to help, etc. I'm glad I'm not the only one who thinks its just all a bit too much.
GAH! That is super nutty. And husbands really do tend to get defensive about mommy and family, but you are his priority now, so if you don't want them around, he'd better be able to tell them NO!
Also, your BIL sounds like a total nutjob. I get MIL being forgetful and sneaky - it's weird, but not outside the realm of old lady territory. But BIL wanting to do night feedings just creeps me out.
I wish I had advice on how to deal with that kind of crazy, but all I can say is good luck and keep your doors locked!
What he needs to understand is that helping is one thing. His brother wanting to come over at 3 AM for feeding is nuts, BIL getting upset over you picking a name without him is crazy, and BIL being "disappointed" over a girl because HE wants a son is over the freaking line!
In my own paranoid mind, that is what starts horror stories and films about kidnappings. (I do watch too much tv, though. I'm not trying to scare you.) I'd say MIL can "help" so long as someone else is with her due to her forgetulness. I'd definitely put my foot down on the BIL thing though.
I'm sorry you're having to deal with this. It sounds incredibly frustrating and like you're feeling like you're dealing with it alone. It also sounds like you really need to set firm, hard boundaries, though that's very hard to do without your DH's support.
BIL sounds very off. MIL sounds quite wacky as well. The going through your stuff part is ridiculous and not paying attention to children she's supposed to be watching is unacceptable. I'd tell her to stay in a hotel or with BIL when she comes out to see the baby (and not give her a key to the house) and set certain hours that she's allowed to visit. She will break them too. I'm a hardazz so I'd lock her out and post a visiting schedule on the front door to get my point across. Ultimately, it's your baby, your house, and your family, so you get to make the decisions.
Since your DH was raised in that household, he likely doesn't have normal defense mechanisms or coping skills. That could be why he blows up when you talk about his family to him. It's all he's known and he doesn't realize how crazy it is; he just feels attacked. If that's the case, it doesn't matter how you present it, he's going to feel attacked as that's how he's learned to react. He has to go to the root of the issue and rework the reaction for that to change. Therapy would probably be really beneficial for him, if he'll go.
After our m/c, I cut a deal with DH that I would go to therapy if he would go, and it's made a huge difference. Our communication is so much more open. We always communicated a lot and fairly openly, but it's changed how we deal with things and made things smoother. I was the one raised in the family chocked full of nuts so I've had to learn this whole thing about normal communication. It's very different from how I was raised. It's really helped us and I think it could really help y'all as well.