Feel like we failed.....

MCKS

A little background, DH and I have been together for over 7 years and married for 5.  SD is 11 and we have her every other week (been this way since 1st grade b/c of DH going to court and seeking 50/50).  BM swore at that time that when SD turns 12 and is old enough to decide she will want to be with her mom. 

At our house SD is happy, we do a lot of fun things together, but SD also has her chores (list DH and her made together) to do.  For the most part in good spirits and is respectful to both of us.

Last year BM called DH and said she had a counseling appointment set up (BM said it would be showing up on his insurance and thought she better let him know about it).  BM said SD is out of control at her house - talks back, won't help out, will go to her room and slam the door, etc.  So now they have been going to counseling for a year. (DH attended first session with BM to meet with counselor and counselor said issues were between BM and SD). 

This past year we took BM to court because we found out her boyfriend (who lives 3 1/2 hours away and was thinking of moving there) was a registered sex offender.  It happened four years ago when he was 34 and the girl was 7.  Needless to say we freaked.  We took her to court to seek protection order for SD - that she had no contact with this creep what so ever!  DH told BM that she can do whatever she wanted but did not want SD near him.  BM said he was innocent, blah, blah.  It was granted in court for the protection.

Also SD started a new school in our district.  She graduated from middle school and we had been driving her back and forth since 1st grade.  BM was not happy about her taking her turn to drive but after harsh words, she agreed.

A couple weeks ago, counselor asked DH if he would attend counseling session with BM and SD.  He agreed and asked if everything was ok.  She said SD is struggling between parents but loves them both.  He attends and is just dumbfounded by all the things that are said......SD is saying she hates it at our house, we starve her, we make her do EVERYTHING around the house, we don't let her have friends over, etc.  Now, obviously none of it is true, far from it.  DH was just so shocked and was at a loss what to say. 

It was just a smack in the face for us.  We've tried so hard to do the right thing and what was best for SD.  We provide her a safe, stable home, help her with homework, encourage her in her activities.  She has friends over for the weekends, we go camping, 4-wheeling, etc.  We never talk bad about her mom and kept thinking if we do all of these things she will see the truth in what we were doing for her and appreciate it....well, I was so upset by what DH said happened in the session.  BM said a lot of lies in and outside of the session, and know SD is saying she wants to live with her mom - mom told SD that in November she will have full custody of her and she can go to the school in BM district. 

I'm at a loss, I know we did all the right things, but yet now SD is saying she wants to be with mom - who a year ago couldn't control her, and has made some really bad decisions. 

hindsight's_a_biotch

Are you absolutely certain BM honored the protection order against the sex offender?

J&A2008

Can I ask if the counselor ever spoke privately with SD about the BM's boyfriend?  Any chance he might have abused SD?

I'm also confused about what happens in November - why would the court change the custody agreement?  Or is this just what BM expects your DH to agree to?

I wouldn't give her full custody.  She's had her chance to work out issues with SD.  Now that DH is finding out there are "issues" between him and SD, he deserves the same chance, and this is the worst time to consider giving up time with her.  BM can't really argue that point, considering she just went through counseling with the daughter. 

Don't get mad at SD.  Talk to her and get to what's at the bottom of this - BM's craziness - and consider counseling sessions for SD and your DH to go to together.

Ilumine

Here is what you do.

1) Start having counseling sessions with JUST DH and SD.  Find out why she has lied or misrepresented her relationship/living situation with you guys.  There HAS to be something there. 

Not to mention she NEEDS to be held accountable for lying about you. Just because you are worried about her, you do not allow her to get away with lying, even if it is caused by parental conflict. 

Not to mention you need to give her the tools and strength to learn to stand up to her mother's pressures.  If you don't do this NOW, she will never break free from her mom.

Having a professional to facilitate AND NOTATE these very contradictory perceptions/lies will help you in court.

2) Contact a lawyer NOW.  Get your ducks in a row.  I am 100% sure that the BM has done so (or she wouldn't be telling SD that BM is most definitely getting custody.

3) Require SD to have INDIVIDUAL counseling sessions without BM.  PERIOD.

4) Remember that courts DO NOT automatically give the child what he/she wants.  They will give custody to who is BEST FOR THE CHILD. 

So you need to prove that your house is best for the child.  That means getting dirty.  Start documenting everything, to include BM's crazy thought that it would be ok to have her daughter around a Sex Offender (make sure you know what his offense was.  You will egg on your face if his "offense" was flashing because he was peeing against a wall one nigh.  Just saying you need to be prepared).

We are in a very similar situation.  We too are about to have a custody battle over a 13 (who can say where he wants to live).  My SS would most certainly be conflicted between his parents. 

Not mention that if SS is angry with us (ie we made him take a shower) he would most certainly swing towards BM.

That is why we have professionals working with him.  Professionals who will testify as to what is best for HIM, not what he wants. 

On top of that, we are gathering enough information on BM to prove how MORE fit, not how unfit, (though that will be inferred) we are for stepson.

Be prepared and start working with your SD now.

PlannedChaos

As always, Illumine's advice is awesome.  Agree with all of that. 

The other thing I just wanted to point out is that, while you said BM said a bunch of lies in counseling, it may be that that is what SD told her, and she doesn't think she has any reason to think SD is lying. 

We have had that problem with one of my SS's and my SD on multiple occasions.  They tell each parent what they want to hear, and they think what we want to hear is that the other parent is just awful to them.  SO - at one point because we didn't think SD had any reason to lie, we were literally standing in front of a judge demanding BM's visitation be supervised.  Meanwhile BM is going nuts, because she thinks we're lying...and all the time it was SD who was making a hell of a lot of bad things up.  It's a lesson we had to learn a couple of times the very hard way, because you always want to believe your kids are telling you the truth, ya know?

anniya77

PlannedChaos is exactly right.

I've been there-- not to the extent that you have, but my FOUR YEAR OLD  last winter when his hands were so chapped and told his mom that I said that my lotion was better than hers, and refused to use her lotion. In all actuality, I had no idea she had special cream for his hands. She forgot to send it along. I had some lotion and I told him that this lotion would work just fine for his hands and make them feel much better.

Apparently, things got lost in translation, and she saw red. DH had a screaming phone call about how I was NOT SS's mother and had no business interfering in how she treats his hands.

IT happens. Don't feel like a failure over this. Just remember to take what is said with a grain of salt. Judges see it ALL THE TIME. It's TYPICAL.

j+k

Ay-yi-yi...I'm glad I'm in for a quick visit.  You need to make sure and fight like hell to get FULL custody.  I'm with Illumine all the way, 100%.

Here is my perception of your SD. She is most fearful of her mom. Not her dad. She probably knows that she can lie in front of her dad and know that he will love her and forgive her no matter what. Her mom...not so much. And I will bet a million dollars that her mom is intimidating her and telling her what to say and do because mom now looks bad for having a sex offender for a boyfriend.  Mom doesn't want to look bad, and now is trying to manipulate her daughter.

Something is not right here. Do all you can to protect this child and get her under your full care.

You did not fail. This child is reacting to a very bad situation and trying to survive. She's scared.  Recognize it for what it is and continue to do right by her. 

MCKS

Thanks for all the advice and input!  Yes, I definitely think DH and SD need some sessions together.  The counseling sessions SD have been going to alternate between being alone and with her mom.  DH called counselor about BM's boyfriend and asked her to address this.  Just last week we received the copy of papers from the session.  The only thing that was talked about was when BM was in the session and it was said that the protective order went through.  Yes, the charges were an aggravated sexual assualt and he's actually listed as a sexual PREDATOR - so not good......DH is going to bring up to the counselor again now that he knows it wasn't talked about.

BM also has two kids from a previous marriage (DH and BM were together for 8 years, but never married)  BM's ex and DH have been talking to make sure SD wasn't seeing this creep and BM's ex was also taking her to court for protection with his two kids.

With November - BM is just crazy - last time we went to court about custody it took us a year and a half, so don't know why she's saying in November it will change.  We certainly won't agree to it - a child needs BOTH their parents!  She's living off the state and probably doesn't have a lawyer, didn't when we went for 50/50.

Yes, we have caught SD in lies and will play DH and BM against each other.  Sometimes when DH and BM are able to talk and work things out they have found this to be true.  The lies I was referring to were one, telling SD that DH wasn't there when she was in the hospital (when born), and that he "kicked them out" when she was 9 months and didn't see her again till she was 3.  Which is so far from the truth.

And no, I'm not mad at SD, I actually feel very sorry for her because she's caught between her parents, and yes, she definitely has to find a place when she can stand up to her mom and be able to tell DH things without being worried about it.  This certainly doesn't excuse the lying, because she needs to learn that it's not a "way out of things". 

I think right now mom's house is looking good because she can do what she wants and BM has just put so much crap in her head, that it's really done a number on her.....I hope having DH and SD in counseling together will help SD ask questions of DH and find out the truth in a way where it's not saying your mom is lying to you, but just so she knows that DH HAS ALWAYS been there for her and we really do what wants best for her.

Thanks again ladies!

MCKS

J&K - boy did you hit that on the head!  Yes, BM is totally telling SD what to do and say.....when DH took BM to court about protection order.  She had a letter that day (said SD wrote it) that stated SD wanted to live with her mom and hated it at dad's.  DH talked to SD about this and SD said her mom told her to write that BM's boyfriend never did anything wrong and that SD wanted to live with her mom.  BM thought we were going after full-custody and DH kept telling her that all he wanted was for SD not to be around the boyfriend, well BM was preparing for putting up a fight and made SD write what BM wanted....