Stuck between the proverbial rock and hard place...

PlannedChaos

SD(12) got her first period yesterday (something I have been DREADING due to SD's emotional problems).

Background is, all three of my stepchildren live with us full time, and see BM on Sundays from 10-7.  SD has not gone to see her mom since May, when her mom forgot to call her on her birthday, and when SD confronted her about it, BM broke down in tears and told a bunch of lies SD knew wasn't true.  SD hasn't even TALKED to her mother for 4 months.  BM hasn't done anything in that time to try and resolve with SD, including no b-day present.

Now.  Here's the problem.  SD has lived with me for the last 4 1/2 years.  When she was 8, DH and I took her to get her ears pierced for the first time.  BM threw an absolutely FIT, because she felt it was something a mom and daughter should do.  Ok, I can see that, but she's not ever really been into being "mom". 

When SD came home from school yesterday and told me her period had started, I felt like I should probably let BM know, because I just feel like it's a big mother-daughter moment.  I asked DH if it was ok for me to send BM an email, and he flipped.  Absolutely not.  She hasn't had anything to do with SD for the last 4 months, has barely been a mother prior to that...etc.

But I feel like a jerk. I got to share it with my DD, and I know it was a special thing for us.  We took a day off an celebrated her "becoming a woman".  I don't have a close enough relationship with SD, due to some of the things she's done, to do that with her, but I feel like she should still have her mom.

SO I am feeling bad.  I kind of still want to let her know, but I don't want to completely ignore DH's wishes.    

anniya77

I see nothing wrong with you putting forth the effort to take SD to celebrate like you did with your own daughter. Maybe you'll make some more headway with her. Sounds like she needs a good adult role model in her life that acts like a mother towards her.

I kindof agree with your DH. She's acting like a child by not talking to her TWELVE YEAR OLD DAUGHTER. Tweens are allowed to act this way. Adults are not.

To me, she hasn't earned the right to this "mother-daughter moment" based on her actions over the past 4 months.

SO, get your SD and head out for some female bonding!

Ilumine

"I felt like I should probably let BM know, because I just feel like it's a big mother-daughter moment."

When BM starts acting like a mom, then she can get the mother-daughter bonding moment highs.

And so what if she threw a hissy-fit years ago.  In that time period, she has not proved her worth as a mom, in fact she has proved her worthlessness.

And FINALLY, at this point it is up to SD if she wants her mom involved or not.  Part of getting a period (at the age of 12 at least) is starting that transition between child and adult (since a period brings on a lot of adult responsibilities).  Let her make some adult decisions about her body and who gets to know about it.

Zoink2008

The woman isn't around. Don't worry. That would be an awkward conversation for BM and SD. Put niceties aside.

PlannedChaos

These are good points.  And, more to the point, every time I've been nice to BM she's turned around and burned us.  SO, I really don't know why I keep feeling this way.

You know, like I have somebody else's kid. 

I'm the one here with her every day.  I'm the one who makes sure her bras fit and she wears clean clothes and who makes tuna casserole for her when she asks (and she does.  It's so weird.)

Ok.  I feel better.  Thanks, Ladies!

FloF9

I think I would leave it to your SD to tell her mother if she wanted to. 

SUwife

Your SD would've called BM, or asked one of you about contacting her if she wanted to.  She obviously did not.

On a personal side note, why is it such a big thing about the first period?  I remember 7th Heaven making a big deal abotu it and then when Ruthie got it she tried to hide it from the family to avoid the hoopla.  I would've hated the hoopla if my family tried it. 

PlannedChaos

Well, I tried to hide it when I had mine, but that was because I had BARELY turned 10, and I thought I was too young, and that I had obviously done something wrong!  LOL.  I rode my bike to the local drug store to buy tampons (super size since that's what my mom used) and panty liners, cuz - well - I didn't know any better.  The woman at the checkout looked at me a little strangely, but I took my purchases home...and shortly thereafter had to tell my mom because what I had OBVIOUSLY wasn't going to work!  LOL.

I made a big deal about it with DD because it was something she had SO dreaded.  We just took the day off and went out for lunch and had manis/pedis...and probably went to a movie.  Just a nice, relaxing, welcome to being a woman kinda day!

PlannedChaos

Oh, also - I did get my daughter flowers for her first one. 

Last night, my DH gave his daughter a dozen pink sweetheart roses.  It was very sweet, and she was totally flustered.  SO - yeah...she did get treated kinda special ;-)

Littlejen22

I am not criticizing you so don't take this that way but I don' see the big deal about getting your period...when I was 12 I did not want to take about it with my Mom, I just wanted some pads, lol.  Is your SD expecting some bonding experience over  it?  If so, you need to do it b/c you are raising her (I never feel like a mother to my SD either so I know how you feel) if not, just let her know you are there for her and get her some different pads to try what she likes.

anniya77

While I stick to what I said about trying to do the same for her that you did with your own daughter, I will say that I find bonding over getting  your period is rather odd. I thought it was SO BIZZARE on 7th Heaven, too, and laughed when someone mentioned it because I was thinking of those same episodes.

SUwife

I remember thinking on 7th Heaven how embarassed I would've been if I had to talk to my dad about my period.  or my brother (but he was younger).  I just wanted to pretend it didn't happen and hide it from everyone.  heck I was embarassed seeing the episode with my dad and brother in the room, and I was college age.

FloF9

ROFLMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  you gals are too funny!!!

RenandStimpy

I think you should let SD make this decision she is afterall becoming a woman and it sounds like she definately has the backbone to deal with BM. Let it be up to her.

Also try to celebrate with SD anyway, she might really appreciate it.

Or you could just send her an invite to a tampon party for her daughter.

Either way.

PlannedChaos

LOL.  OMG.  A tampon party.  Hah! 

I don't know - maybe it's the feminist in me, but a lot of cultures have some sort of "coming of age" celebration.  We get to spend our whole reproductive life fighting/dreading/waitingfor/praying for/dreading our periods.  I think it's nice, when the first one happens, to celebrate that "crossing over" time from child to woman.

Her_Majesty

*lurker posting off-topic a bit*

I was also 12 when I got my 1st period - My Mom told my Dad about later in the day and he freaked, lol. He insisted I was hemorrhaging and needed to go the ER stat or I was going to bleed to death - After I had been walking around all day just fine. 12 was way to young for his girl to get her period. He was totally serious too, I remember laughing hysterically at him w/ my mom & sister.

My sister and I now joke around that we're "hemorrhaging" when we start, lol.

*goes back to hiding*