back again for more advice...

kirstenw05

I am so sorry, this is really too bad, and hopefully isn't a good representation of how an open adoption should go. It sounds like maybe she is having a hard time with the baby getting older and she hasnt figured out how she is going to get through the next phase of her growth yet.  Is it possible to talk to someone that helped with the process?? I am doing foster/adoption with a BM I know personally, so I am not sure how private adoptions work in this case.

It sounds to me as if she is just nervous or uneasy, but may be able to be talked to and reasoned with.  Good luck, I know it's not a fun situation.

MsBlake

If you aren't already, may I suggest finding a good therapist who specializes in adoption/family and the various issues that may come with it? I think that with the nature of your situation and what you're feeling, you really could be helped by the advice of an unbiased 3rd party. I honestly don't think this is going to be resolved with help from friends because it does seem very complicated. I wish you nothing but the best.

garden123

At the risk of being flamed beyond recognition, I am going to be blunt, because I think you need to see this from a different perspective.  I am not trying to flame you or hurt you, so please keep an open mind when you read this. 

You are probably freaking out the adoptive parents and I do not blame them for wanting to establish some boundaries.  Here is why I say this:

- you say "so i confronted the a-mom about this. she was suprised that i even found out."  How did you find out?  Are you spending time tracking them down?  That would freak me out.  Especially since you found out about them being in town over your birthday.

- "i am even regretting placing my daughter with them."  I am sure the parents sense this when you have spoken with them.  Are you having regrets about putting her up for adoption at all?  or just with this family?

"I never cronfronted the adoptive mom about being in town on my bday and not even saying any thing to me." You seem to think she owes this to you, but honestly, she does not.  Give her a break.  Their family's life cannot revolve around your needs.

I would think that your main concern would be that the child you gave up for adoption is well cared for - however you seem to be absorbed in your own hurt and inability to accept a limited role in her life.  I am sorry you are in such pain, truly I am, but I agree that you should seek counseling to deal with this.  Yes, your feelings are your feelings.  However, I think you need to re-think your expectations, not just for the parents, but for your own happiness.  Perhaps it's just a case of different expectations on each party's part.  But either way, these are complex emotions, and you need the guidance of a professional, not just sympathy from a message board.

You cannot expect the parents to not move without consulting you - I'm sure they made the decision based on what is best for their family, especially with your biological child in mind, and for that you should be grateful.  to be perfectly honest, I don't think it's a good idea for you to see the child if you are having such a difficult time coping with having placed her for adoption.  I think if you try to deal with some of your own issues surrounding it through counseling, and are in a better frame of mind, then may be a better time.

nicole moseley

    so i am in counseling. and i have to wonder garden have you been through this? adopted or placed? if not and i am trying to be as nice as possible you have no clue what you are talking about. i am really hurt by what you said. i am not trying to get smypathy at all. just simply asking what i should do. as far as me feeling like they owe me some thing i have a right to feel that way. i gave them a gift they couldnt have gotten on their own. i dont regret the decision to place my daughter up for adoption. i just think who the adoptive mom is now and who she used to be are two different ppl. they arent obligated to me in any way but if you gave your child to some one else who promised you any thing under the sun and then went back on their word how would you feel? i know my daughter is being rasied in an amazing home so how can you say that i should be concerned with that? i just feel like if they are going back on their word, what else could they possibly keep from me? and as far as them moving with out telling me that is extremely messed up. what if i wanted to send my DD presents ( which i have in the past )? and to address how i am finding out. i dont stalk them. me and her families go to the same church. we have the same friends.