Single Parents
vera1127
member
Giving H his space is hard
vera1127
member
So H has been gone since Saturday night, which was the last time we spoke. He checked in a couple of times yesterday, and even texted to say goodnight last night, but I haven't heard from him at all today. MIL told me to text him, but I'm not. If he wants his space I'm going to give it to him. If he texts, I'll answer, but that's the extent of my communication with him. What pisses me off, however, is that he hasn't at least texted to see how LO is doing. I could care less if he pretends I don't exist but I HATE that he's ignoring his son.
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Re: Giving H his space is hard
I'm so sorry that you are in this situation. The more of your posts I read, the more I feel like he wants the best of both worlds, and can't decide which one he would rather want. However, he wants YOU to be there if he decides-- eventually-- that it is you that he wants. I hope that your expectations are not high, nor at this point, would I even want him to come home.
I'm so glad that you have a strong support system. That will make a HUGE difference during this process.
It is hard. I am over a year out of this separation/divorce process, and I look at him thinking "What an idiot. Where did the man I fell in love with and created my son with go?"
EXACTLY. MH is one of the most opinionated people I know, and the "old him" would look at the "new him" and think he was the biggest @sshole. Part of me is praying he'll walk in the door one day and say "I want to work on this". And part of me is praying he'll just let us go completely so we can move on.
I completely understand, however, at some point you have to stand up and say "enough is enough". He's treating you with complete and total disregard. Say, in two months time, he comes back and wants to pretend like all is hunky dory and go back to the way things were. Ask yourself this: would you ever trust him again? And, would you wonder when/if he was going to pull the same crap again?
I suggest a book: "This is not the story you think it is". I can't remember the author. I read that book, and, let me tell you, I was completely and utterly frustrated by the outcome. See if you feel the same.
Bu why are you waiting for HIM to decide?
You said it so much better than I did. I didn't want to be a meanie to a newbie, but I didn't know how to express what I was feeling. You did so nicely.
Well, what I want is for this to work. I think I mentioned this before--I'm giving him 2 weeks. If he still hasn't "decided" or come back around then I am telling him to leave and getting a legal separation. It's not the ideal decision, and I know that it is giving him a little bit of power, but for now it's what I feel I need to do.
I do appreciate your brutal honesty and tough love...I understand wholeheartedly what you are saying, and I do agree that I'm giving him too much wiggle room. But for now, he is still my husband and I do love him, and I want this to work for our family. If it doesn't, it doesn't and I'm preparing myself to accept that.
Can I ask you an honest question?
(I know that some people go through trial separations, and it works...)
If he does come back, do you think you will harbor resentment for this time?
I know I would, but I am a defensive and resentful person. I think it would be a huge struggle for me to know that he didn't KNOW he wanted to be with me. KWIM? In the back of my head there would be a small bit of doubt that he will do it again, or the only reason he is with me is because he didn't like the other option...
I have thought about that. The ONLY thing, and I do mean only thing, that is giving me the strength to give him this time is that I think he is depressed. I've thought he was depressed for quite a while, but he doesn't seem to think that he is. If he is, in fact, depressed (like goes to a doctor and gets a diagnosis) then it is my job as his wife to be there for him. If he is not depressed, or does not go see someone for help, then he's out. I don't know if that all makes sense, but for now I'm there for him. Keep in mind this is only a week old for me.
BTW, he did finally text a while ago to see how we were. A glimmer of hope perhaps...
LOL it's all good! A long post means lots of insight, which is exactly what I need right now.
I haven't told him this. I was thinking maybe after a week (which would be Saturday) if he hasn't come around, then I will tell him he's got one more week to "think" or he's gone. I guess you are right, communicating my plans should be essential. This is seriously our first issue we've had. I mean we fight like other couples, but this is the first time I've ever felt it was this bad. I mean, no one has ever left before. I want to make sure we exhaust all other options before calling it quits.
I'm sure I've told you this before, but your story sounds so painfully similiar to mine. Here's what I did.
When H told me he was leaving, I was crushed. I went through a phase of "poor me" which was shortly followed by "What can I do to save my marriage?" H moved out into his own place and threw himself into his work. He was telling me he didn't want to work on things and that I had "had my chances". Whatever.
I read a great book called Marriage Fitness, and applied some of the techniques to my H. I put aside our current problems and focused on showing him how much I loved him. I did little things like sending a care package to his new apartment, having a pizza sent to his new place when I knew he had just gotten home from work, etc. Called to tell him a funny joke I had heard. Etc. Just little things. H slowly started to come around and started acting like the man I fell in love with and had a baby together with. Thanksgiving came and he stayed the entire long weekend at our house and spent time with my dad and my family. This was a HUGE step for him (2.5 months after our separation). Then, things went back to "normal". He had told me he still loved me and wanted to work on things, but NOTHING CHANGED on his end. He made zero effort.
It was when he didn't invite me to any of his family holiday functions and he didn't want to attend any of mine that I realized that this marriage is over. Actions speak louder than words and it's clear he doesn't want me to be a part of his family anymore. We get along for the most part and are civil, but the marriage we used to have is gone. There's no saving it.
Like you, I wonder where the man I married and had a baby with went. He's completely different, reverting back to how he acted in high school...going out and partying, hanging out with his buddies all night long. He even rolled his 2010 Dodge because he was doing donuts in a frozen field with his friends and his tires caught a rut and rolled over. Thankfully he wasn't hurt, but he did over $7k in damages to his truck that has less than 3,000 miles on it. That's not someone who I want to be married to and raise my child with. He's being immature and irresponsible because he's going through what I like to call a quarter-life crisis. I personally think he felt pressured to grow up too quick (getting married and having a kid) and freaked out. Too bad..you can't just run away from that, but it's exactly what he's doing.
My H gave me the same line yours did. He needed his "time" to figure out if he still loved me and if he wanted to work on things. He had his good times where things were looking up, but I finally got to the point where I realized that I deserve better and I don't want to be married to someone who is so immature and irresponsible.
Phew...that got long and I feel like I hijacked your post, but just know I can totally relate to you. I can tell you this...I don't think your H will "come around" in only 2 weeks. I think he already has his mind made up on what he wants and he's communicated that to you by moving out. He just doesn't want to tell you and wants you to do all the dirty work (getting a legal separation, etc.) Men have a way of wanting to take the easy way out and it seems that's what he's doing.
I agree with this. I also think that tifanico is right by saying you need to communicate the deadline if you want it to actually be effective.
P.S. I have no idea why that is italicized. I can't for the life of me get it to do it again, or undo it. Must be really important. LOL!
I am sorry you are going through this. I hear you on the depression thing. I was convinced that it was an issue with my XH too (and has been suggested by his therapist). But how long was I to wait around for him to realize that HE was the problem? It took over a year after he moved out (and weeks before the divorce was finalized) before I got the tearful apology for the pain that he caused. He has been in therapy since, but he still doesn't ACT in a way where he puts his family first. And he may never be that person again. Sometimes I wonder if he really was ever the person I thought he was.
LOL!
MrsKeith--I totally understand. Perhaps I should clarify. He hasn't moved out...he's staying with friends for a few days. I do see what you're saying though. I am only communicating with him when he texts/calls me (all he's done is text the past 2 days). I do see what all of you are saying and appreciate your honesty. I truly think it's the perspective I need right now...
My divorce is different everyone elses' because my ex was gay. But there seems to be a script a lot of men follow so they can shirk the blame of things going wrong and make you do all the hard work.
My ex was great at picking fights. I'd be home having a great day and all the sudden he'd waltz in and within 30 minutes, we'd be fighting and I'd be crying. I never could understand why. He was also very good at pinning the blame on me every time.
My ex forced me into filing the divorce. He was happy to stay separated forever. Why? It didn't settle our financial status and the legal issues. It gave him a lot of excuses while he continued to have a wife. You'd have thought he would have rushed to end our marriage, but that was not the case. He seemed stunned when I filed for divorce even though it had been nearly three years since we separated. Suddenly he decided to be cruel and started to find ways of cutting me off. I fought fire with fire.
I was lucky NOT to have children with that abusive @s*#ole. I did learn how to be a strong woman and took my future into my own hands. I got much of what I wanted in the end including a nice cash settlement and three years of alimony.
I agree with the other ladies here. Don't let him be the only decision-maker. I know you want your marriage to work. None of us enters into marriage hoping for it to fail (unless your name is Anna Nicole and you've married an 87-year-old billionaire). You do have a child to consider. But consider this. You son is young. If (sadly) you did divorce soon, children that are young when divorce occurs are statistically proven to bounce back better than kids who are older and more aware of the problems between their parents. You son will make the adjustment.
You need to focus on your happiness. I lived in limbo the last two years of my marriage. One day, the floodgates were opened and I finally saw everything I hadn't seen before. I was so grateful for that. Your son will be a happy child if you are.
One last thing: texting is for wimps. Don't respond to his texts with texts. Make him call you if he wants to hear from you. We teach others how we want to be treated. Make him treat you with respect. You are the mother of his child and you've earned it.
Two weeks is barely enough time for a guy to get tired of pizza and couch-sleeping. I guarantee that he thinks he can waltz back in whenever, because he knows you want him back, and I suspect that with enough 'sorries' you would take him in beyond the two week deadline.
IF YOU can take the emotion out of your dealings with him and focus on practicalities, he might get a bit nervous and actually do the soul-searching you are wanting from him. Call the local probate/family court or go down there. They may have a lawyer there to help if you are simply looking to go uncontested. Ask about timelines, cost, mediation if necessary, possible mandatory parenting classes, basic visitation guidelines, child support guidelines, and the general process.
I would call him. Explain to him as matter of fact-ly as possible that he has until next Sunday, and that you want him to come back. Until then no texting, but he can call if he has something to say. Also explain that you will be looking into filing an uncontested divorce in the meanwhile and that you expect that he will sign it without drama. Tell him that you expect full physical custody, but that he would have visits. No threatening tone, no anger, because you will be laying the groundwork for your relationship as co-parents in the future.
http://oi62.tinypic.com/2w73hq9.jpg
I'm so sorry you're going through this. I was struggling with the same thing a few months ago. I NEVER thought I'd end up divorced, b/c with the exception of extreme cases (like if there is abuse), I don't really even believe in divorce. I believe that you sign up for the best and the worst, and when the worst hits, you work through it. Unfortunately, I had to learn the hard way that if I'm the only one working through it, it still won't work.
My husband cheated on me, and then decided he just didn't know if he wanted to stay married to me. He didn't want to get divorced, but he also didn't want to break up with his girlfriend. I went through all the typical stages- rage, crying all the time, then trying to be the perfect wife. None of it changed him at all- the only thing that happened when I tried to be the perfect wife is that he had a less stressful time at home.
Do I think that we could have gotten past that and gone on to have an amazing marriage? Yes. I do. And that's why I fought for a couple of months, begging him to see reason, pointing out all the things he'd be losing if we continued down this path. I knew I was giving him all the power, but I didn't care if it meant I had a chance to save my marriage and keep my family together. But you cannot save your marriage alone. It's impossible.
After my husband refused to break up with his gf, I kicked him out of the house, but I still held out hope that he would come to his senses and come home. We started the legal separation process at my prodding- I thought it would help him see reality and see what he was doing to his life. But it actually had a different effect- it helped ME see what he was doing to MY life.
The day that we sat there with a mediator, talking about what holidays each of us would get to spend with DD, that nearly made me lose my mind. The idea that there would be holidays and vacations spent away from my child, who is the most important thing in the world to me, just b/c he's too much of an *** to even ATTEMPT to save our marriage- that was it. From that day on I knew we were headed for divorce and I was able to emotionally disconnect from him.
I don't regret fighting for my marriage at first. I wouldn't be able to live with myself knowing that I didn't give 100%. But at some point you have to stop letting him hurt you, b/c you can't respect yourself for very long while living this way. And it's totally up to you as to when that point is- but you might want to let him know that you will NOT always be there to come home to. After treating you like this, he needs to FIGHT for you. And he needs to do it soon.
Here's an article about having limited contact with your H. It's referring to a husband that cheated, but honestly it's the exact same concept, it doesn't matter if there was cheating or not. The limited contact is TOUGH, esp at first, but I promise you will feel better if you can implement it. But don't do it to get him back, do it to help yourself. And if by some chance it does help bring him back , that is a bonus. But if he doesn't come back, then you will be so much better off if you've been doing no/limited contact.
https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/healing_library/divorce/no_contact.asp
NC=no contact
WS= wayward spouse
BS= betrayed spouse
MH moved out 3.5 weeks ago. The first week was very cold. He has warmed up and we have talked more and spending more time together. We have been going to marriage counselling once a week which keeps us talking. As hard as it has been, I have been using this time to think about what I want and about me. I've been thinking about what I used to like doing and being selfish myself. I don't think it's a bad thing. I remembered how I liked playing DDR, eating salad for dinner, talking long hot baths, etc.
Take this time to remember what you like doing - just for you. Not as a mother or wife. GL